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After a few preliminary ments； she stated； 〃Jake went back to work this Monday；〃 and paused； waiting for his reaction。 Arnold prompted； 〃How has that gone this week？〃
〃He seems enthusiastic； and somewhat relieved。 They have him working on a new airplane project and he hasn't said much about it。 If that's what he's working on。 I think he's disappointed； but it doesn't show。 He's hiding it well。〃 She thought about it。 〃That's unusual。 He's always been stoic at work…his colleagues have told me that he usually shows little emotion at the office…but he's never been like that at home。 I can read him very well。〃
Dr。 Arnold； Benny to all his patients； looked up from his notes。 〃Last weekend； did you threaten him？〃
Callie's head bobbed。 〃I suppose。〃 She swallowed hard and felt her eyes tearing up。 She bit her lower lip。 〃I never did that before。 Never again！〃 She moved to the chair near the window； Jake's chair； and looked out。 Trees just budding stood expectantly in the pale spring sun。 Jake had sat here all winter and looked at the black； bare； upthrusted limbs。 And now spring was finally here。
She should never have said those things； about leaving him。 She could never do it。 She loved him too much to even consider it。 But it was so hard last fall； after she thought him dead and her life in ashes。 When she heard he was still alive the euphoria swept her to heights she didn't believe possible。 The subsequent descent from rapture to reality had been torturous。
An officer from the CNO's office had escorted her to Bethesda Naval Hospital the morning after Jake was flown back from Greece。 She had expected…thinking about it now； she didn't know just what she expected。 But her hopes were so high and the officer who drove her tried gently to prepare her…
His face was still swollen and mottled； his eyes mere slits； his tongue raw from where he had chewed on it。 His eyes…those piercing gray eyes that had melted her a thousand times…they lay unfocused in the shapeless mass of flesh that was his face as IVs dripped their solution into his arms。 A severe concussion； the doctor said gently。 Jake had taken a lot of Gs； more Gs than any man could be expected to survive。 Capillaries had burst under the tremendous strain。 And he was grossly dehydrated； unable to take water。 Slowly Callie began to understand。 Brain damage。 Bleeding in the frontal lobe； where memory and personality resided。 Oh； she assured herself a hundred times that he would be the same…that life would never play them a dirty； filthy trick like that； that God was in his heaven； that the man who loved her and she loved with all her soul would get well and。。。 He had gotten well。 Almost…
He's quieter； more subdued； as if he's someplace else。。。 or thinking of something he can't share。
〃Do you think he has forgotten？〃
The words startled her。 She had been musing aloud。
〃I don't know。 He says he can't remember much about it； and that's probably true。 But he stops there and doesn't say what he does remember。〃
Arnold nodded。 For three months in this office Jake had said nothing of the flight that led to his injury。 〃What of his decision to die？〃
Callie stared at the psychologist。 〃You think he made that decision？〃
〃You know he did。〃 Arnold's eyes held her。 〃He decided to ram the transport。 The odds of surviving such a collision were very small。 Jake knew that。 He's a professional military aviator； he had to know the probably oute of a ramming。〃 The doctor's shoulders moved ever so slightly。 〃He was willing to die to kill his enemies。〃
After a moment Callie nodded。
〃You must e to grips with that。 It was a profound moment in his life； one he apparently doesn't wish to dwell on or try to remember。 The plex human being that he is； that's how he chooses to live with it。 Now you must e to grips with his decision and you must learn to live with it。〃
〃Don't many men in bat e to that moment？〃
〃I think not。〃 Benny tugged at his beard。 〃The literature…it's hard to say。 Most men…I suspect…most men facing a situation that may cause their death who do go forward probably do so without thought。 The situation draws them onward； the situation and their training and their own private concept of manhood。 But in that cockpit…Jake evaluated the danger and saw no other alternative and decided to go forward。 Willingly。 To accept the inevitable consequences； one of which would be his death。〃 He continued to worry the strands of hair on his chin。
〃There's a verse in the Bible；〃 Callie said； her chin quivering。 〃'Greater love has no man than this； that a man lay down his life for his friends。'〃
〃Aha！ If only you believed that！〃
〃I do；〃 she said； trying to convince herself； and turned back to the window。 Other husbands went off to work every morning； they had regular jobs； they came home nights and weekends and life was safe and sane。 Of course； people die in car wrecks and you read about airliner crashes。 But those things don't happen to people like me！
Why couldn't Jake have found a safe； sane； regular job； with an office and a pany car and a nice； predictable future？ Damn him； she had waited all these years for the sword to drop。 Those memorial services whenever someone was killed…she always went with Jake to those。 The widow； the kids； the condolences； the organ music。 But it wouldn't happen to Jake…oh no！ He's a good pilot； real good； the other men say； too good to ever smear himself all over some farmer's potato field； too good to ever leave her sitting alone in the chapel with the organ wheezing and some fat preacher spouting platitudes and everyone filing past and muttering well…meaning nonsense。 Damn you； Jake。 Damn you！
Arnold passed her a Kleenex and she used it on her eyes。 He held out the box and she took several and blew her nose。
〃Next week； perhaps we can talk about that little girl you want to adopt？〃
Callie nodded and tried to arrange her face。
〃Thank you for ing today。〃 He smiled gravely。 She rose and he held the door for her； then eased it shut as she paused at the receptionist's desk to write a check。
He opened her file and made some notes。 After a glance at his watch； he picked up his phone and dialed。 On the third ring a man answered。 One word： 〃Yes。〃
〃She was here today；〃 Arnold said without preliminaries。 〃He's going to be working on a new airplane project； she says。〃 He continued； reading from his notes。
It wasn't until the A…6 was taxiing toward the duty runway for takeoff that the incongruity of the whole situation struck Toad Tarkington。 The plane thumped and wheezed and swayed like a drunken dowager as it rolled over the expansion joints in the concrete。 He had been so busy with the puter and inertial Navigation System while they sat in the chocks that he had had no time to look around and bee accustomed to this new cockpit。 Now as he took it all in a wry grin twisted his Ups under his oxygen mask。
Rita Moravia sat in the pilot's seat on his left in the side…by…side cockpit。 Her seat was slightly higher than his and several inches further forward； but due to her size her head was on the same level as his。 Not an inch of her skin was exposed。 Her helmet； green visor and oxygen mask encased her head； and