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e could not get off the floor to go to Trevor。
So； with the last of his strength； he crawled。
The tub seemed very far away； though Zach knew it was only a couple of feet。 He had to grab its edge and drag himself the last of the distance。 The porcelain felt loathsome； slick as teeth and cold as death； shaking with Trevor's blows。 Trevor's fist hitting the tub sounded like raw meat slamming into a stone floor now。 Zach clung to the edge with one hand； reached out and touched Trevor's back with the other。
Trevor whirled on him。 His face was contorted； his eyes crazed with grief and pain。 This is it； Zach thought。 He's gonna kill me now； and then beat himself to death like a moth against a windowpane right here where Bobby can watch。 Haw stupid。 How utterly useless。 He felt no more fear； only a great hollow disappointment。
But Trevor didn't grab him again。 Instead he just stared at Zach； his face almost expectant。 Something I said made him stop hurting me； Zach realized。 What can I say to make him stop hurting himself？
〃Listen；〃 he said。 〃Bobby killed the others because he couldn't take care of them anymore and he couldn't let them go。 Then he killed himself because he couldn't live without them。 Right？〃
Trevor made no response； but he didn't look away。 Suddenly Zach had a flash of intuition； the way he sometimes did when hacking a troublesome system。 He thought he knew what was on that loop in Trevor's brain。 〃Is it about love？〃 he asked。 〃Trev； do you think you have to make all this keep happening to prove you love me？〃
At first he thought Trevor wasn't going to answer。 But then； ever so slowly； Trevor nodded。
We're so fucked up； Zach thought。 We could be the Dysfunctional Families poster kids if either of us lives long enough。 Thanks； Joe and Evangeline。 Thanks； Bobby。
〃But I know you love me； Trevor。 I believe you。 I want to stay alive and show you。 I don't need you to take care of me； I can take care of myself。 And if you e away with me I won't leave you ever。〃
〃How 。 。 。〃 Trevor's voice sounded husked out； used up。 〃How can I know that？〃
〃You have to trust me；〃 said Zach。 〃All I can tell you is the truth。 You have to decide the rest for yourself。〃
Trevor looked up from the hypnotic swirling pattern in the mirror shards； looked into Zach's battered face。 The pain in his right hand was enormous； hot as a skillet on the burner； then cold all the way to the bone。 His knuckles were torn to bleeding ribbons。 He thought he had broken at least one finger。 The feeling of it made him heartsick。 But the terrible anger was gone。
He had been ready to go plunging down； down； down。 And he had nearly taken Zach with him。
Zach was kneeling before him； naked and bloody as if he had just been born。 Pain needled through Trevor's legs as he stood。 His feet were sliced up pretty badly too； he realized； he had been grinding them into the broken glass； trying to obliterate some image he could not piece together。 The mirror fragments were opaque with his blood now； reflecting nothing。
Trevor climbed out of the tub and helped Zach up with his good hand； grabbed him with the other arm and buried his face in Zach's stiff hair。
〃What can I do？〃 he asked。 The question seemed terribly inadequate； but he could think of no other。
〃Leave with me。 Now。〃
Trevor expected to feel the house clenching like a muscle around him； trying to hold him in。 But he felt nothing ing up through the floorboards to mingle with the blood from his feet； nothing in the walls around him。 He looked over Zach's shoulder at the buckled shower curtain rod and felt only an echo of the old sorrow tinged with dread。 That was where Bobby had ended up； where he had chosen to end up。 Trevor could choose to go anywhere he wanted to。
The realization was like seeing infinity suddenly unfold before his eyes。 A million mirrors； and none of them broken。 A million possibilities； and more branching out from each of those。 He could leave this house and never see it again； and he would still be alive。 And it was by his own hand： he had chosen to be with Zach； had chosen to eat mushrooms and go to Birdland； had sought out the house and turned the knob and walked in on Bobby's eternity。 They were all choices he had made。 It was up to him。
Zach opened the bathroom door and pulled him into the hall。 The house was full of a clear； still blue light。 The night was over。
Trevor looked down into Zach's ill…used； blood…smeared； weary face。 J choose you； he thought； but I can't believe you still want me。
They stumbled into the bedroom and sat on the edge of the bed。 Zach found his glasses unharmed on the floor and put them back on。 Trevor saw the gouge in the opposite wall where he had tried to hit Zach； saw the bloodied hammer in the corner。 He stroked Zach's hair with his good hand； kissed his eyelids； his forehead。 He hoped an electrical current would have run up his arm and shocked him to death if he had violated this wondrous brain。
Zach leaned against him。 His head lay heavy on Trevor's shoulder。 〃I need to get out of here；〃 he whispered。
〃Okay。 Where will we go？〃
〃I don't know。〃 Gingerly； Zach touched Trevor's right hand； which he was cradling in his lap trying to keep still。 〃This looks bad。 You need to get it set。 And I think I might have a concussion。〃
〃Oh 。 。 。 Zach 。 。 。〃
〃You didn't do it。 My dad did。〃
〃Your dad？〃
〃Yeah。 Look； we have to talk； but I can't right now。 I feel like I'm gonna pass out。 We need a hospital。〃
〃The closest one's twenty miles away。 Can you call Kinsey on your cellular phone？〃
〃His home phone's cut off。 I heard him say so last night 。 。 。〃 Zach trailed off。 His eyes were half…closed now； his breathing quick and shallow。 His skin felt cool； slightly damp。
〃Can you drive？〃
Zach shook his head。
〃But your car has a stick shift。〃
〃I know。 I'll shift for you if I can stay awake。 If I can't； it's gonna hurt you like hell； and I'm sorry。 But I can't even see straight。 I'd run us right off the road。〃
〃All right； then。〃 Trevor tried to flex his hand。 Great bolts of pain shot up his arm。 The two middle ringers were stiff； swollen shiny； suffused with blood。 The skin felt as tight and unfortable as an ill…fitting glove。 His knuckles were so badly abraded that he thought he could see a pale glimmer of bone beneath all the red； though he didn't look too closely。
I can't hold a pencil with that； he thought。 But he was too worried about Zach to care much。
Zach helped Trevor dress； tugged his sneakers on and tied them for him。 Trevor felt the linings tugging at the cuts on his feet； blood soaking into the soles。 Then Zach dressed himself and helped gather their belongings。 Trevor took nothing but his Walkman； his tapes； and his clothes。 If his hand healed； he would get new pens and sketchbooks later。 He couldn't imagine using the old ones again。
After some consideration； he held a match to the envelope containing his family's autopsy reports and burned them in the kitchen sink。 It felt a little like smashing his hand had felt。 But he thought they belonged here。
He helped Zach out through the li