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nt in Birdland。 He finished his Coke and walked slowly down the hall； past the bedrooms； into the studio。 The light in here was clear； green； pure in a way that only late afternoons in summer can be。 He ran his hand over the scarred surface of the drawing table。 He stared at the drawings tacked to the wall。
Then； without quite knowing he was going to do it； Trevor thrust out both hands and tore two of them down and started ripping at them。 The paper crumbled between his fingers； dry； brittle； helpless。 Destroying artwork was a taboo almost as strong to him as murder。 The sensation was heady； intoxicating。
〃HOW DO YOU LIKE IT？〃 he yelled into the empty room。 〃HOW DO YOU LIKE SEEING YOURSELF TORN APART？ DO YOU EVEN CARE ANYMORE？〃
The silence was deafening。 The last crumbs of paper sifted from his hands。 Trevor suddenly felt very tired。
He went into his bedroom and lay down on the mattress。 The light in here was dim； more blue than green； the kudzu so thick it was like having the shades drawn。 The rumpled blanket and pillow were permeated with a unique blend of his scent and Zach's； a third scent that had never existed in the world before yesterday morning； a scent part musk； part herb； part salt。
He touched his penis。 The skin felt stretched； tender； nearly sore。 The things he had done with Zach were like nothing he had ever imagined。 He loved the raw physical intimacy of it； the utter sense of connection。 He thought about having Zach inside him； wondered if it would hurt and realized that he didn't care； he wanted it anyway。
Hugging the pillow to him； imagining his lover's body linked inextricably with his own； he slept。
At the Sacred Yew； Gumbo was running through the last few songs of their set。 As promised； Zach had memorized the lyrics Terry had written down for him； then learned to sing them with R。J。 singing along softly to cue him。 R。J。's voice wasn't awful； but it was a flat kid's voice that had never been meant to front a band。 Zach decided his own voice had been meant for just that purpose。 On the songs he hadn't learned； he made up his own words。
Terry gave his cymbals a final crash and brandished his sticks in the air。 〃Let's knock it off；〃 said R。J。 〃It's not gonna get any better than that。〃
Zach had shed his T…shirt at some point during the rehearsal。 His chest was streaked with sweat and his own grimy fingerprints where he had clawed at himself with one hand while he clutched at the mike stand or gesticulated wildly with the other。 He had snarled his hair around his fingers as he sang； pulled at it until it stood out in a hundred directions。
He saw Calvin looking at him and grinned。 〃What do you think？〃
Calvin's eyes were brazen。 〃About what？〃
〃My highly original vocal style； of course。〃
〃Of course。〃 The guitarist let his gaze slide from Zach's face to his chest to his midsection； then back up again just as slowly。 〃I think it's very attractive。〃
〃How old are you？〃
〃Twenty…three。〃
〃Will you buy me a beer and pour it in a cup？〃
〃Why； of course I will。〃 Calvin grinned evilly。 〃But only if you buy the next round。〃
〃Hell； I'll buy this one。〃 Zach pulled a five out of his pocket and held it out to Calvin。 〃Leave the change for Kinsey。〃
Calvin waved the money away。 〃My treat。〃
Terry came over to the edge of the stage toweling his hair dry with his bandanna； sucking some kind of throat lozenge。 The sharp odor of menthol hung around his head like an invisible cloud。 〃That was some heavy mind groove； Zach。 You're quite a crazed front man。〃
〃Thanks。 You guys are pretty crazed yourselves。〃
〃Yeah； we try。 You wanna e over for a shower and a toke？ I can drop you off afterward。〃
Calvin came back with two sloshing plastic cups。 Their fingers touched damply as he handed Zach one。 〃Where are y'all going？〃
〃To my house；〃 Terry told him hoarsely。
〃Can I e？〃
〃No。 Go home and take a nap。 I know you were up until dawn eating mushrooms last night。〃
〃That's okay。 I'm going to eat 'em again tonight。〃
Terry rolled his eyes。 〃Great。 Can you wait until after the show？〃
〃Maybe。〃 Calvin's gaze sought out Zach's； fairly sparkling with wickedness。 〃It depends on what's happening after the show。〃
For the first time； Zach felt a spark of annoyance toward Calvin。 He was cute as hell； he played a mean guitar； and he obviously entertained a healthy lust for Zach。 But he also obviously didn't give a damn about Trevor。
Well； maybe Calvin just hadn't picked up on the fact that they were together。 Zach didn't mind the attention or the free beer。 Calvin probably meant no harm； and if he did； that was too bad。
But Zach saw no reason to piss off his new bandmate if he didn't have to。 Calvin might even have extra mushrooms； Zach thought； and be willing to share or sell some。
And he was awfully cute。
Trevor woke alone in the dark bedroom。 For a moment he could not feel the mattress under him； could not even be sure he lay on a solid surface； he might have been spinning in some directionless black void。 Then gradually the dim square of the window became visible； and the larger rectangle of the closet。 He became conscious of the empty space on the other side of the mattress。 Zach hadn't e back yet。
If it was nearly full dark； the time must be well after seven。 Trevor wondered where Zach was； what he was doing right now。 Was he still at the club； enjoying the cheerful； rowdy pany of the other musicians after having spent so many intense hours with Trevor？ Was he wishing he had hooked up instead with exotic Calvin； who played the guitar and wore silver charms in his ears； who would not have needed showing how to make love？
What if he has？ What if Calvin offered him a ride home； and their eyes met in some perfect understanding that I could never fathom； and halfway here they pulled off the road and Calvin gave him a blowjob in the car？ What if it's happening right now？ His hands twined in Calvin's bleachy…fine hair； his back arching just like it did for me； his smooth sweet boner fitting as perfectly in Calvin's mouth as it did in mine。 What if he never es back？
Trevor brought his left hand to his lips； sank his teeth into the fold of skin at the wrist。 The pain cleared his mind a little； made the paranoid fantasies stop racing faster than he could talk himself out of them。 He knew Zach wasn't with Calvin。 But he also knew that； under other circumstances； Zach might have been。 Irrational as it was； that hurt too。
Faintly he heard a car pulling up outside； a single door slamming。 Then Zach's footsteps were crossing the porch； Zach was feeling his way across the dark living room。 Trevor heard him bang into something； curse； and stop。 〃Trev？〃 he called uncertainly。
You don't have to answer。 You could just leave him standing there； alone in the dark。
STOP IT！ he ordered himself。 Where in hell had that thought e from？ 〃In here；〃 he called。
Light flooded the hall； sliced across the bedroom。 Zach came in； sat on the bed and hugged Trevor through the blanket。 Trevor rolled over and hugged back。 Zach's hair was damp； and he smelled of soap and shampoo and delicio