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have to kill them。 You didn't have to spend the rest of your life alone。 Momma would have taken care of you and Didi。 Is saying he lost his sense of humor so far wrong？
He'd had such thoughts before； usually late at night in a cheap bed in an unfamiliar city。 Now they came again unbidden and made him realize what he had been about to do。 He had been ready not just to hit Zach； but to hit him again and again； as many times as it took 。。。 to shut him up？ To kill him？ Trevor didn't know。
He shoved himself away from Zach； rolled off the mattress and lay on the floor in the dust and the ruins of his story。 Half of him hoped Zach would e over here and beat the shit out of him now。 Trevor would lie still and let him do it。
But half of him hoped Zach would stay away。 Because the softness of Zach's lips spreading and splitting open against his hand had felt so damn good 。 。 。
Zach pressed the heels of his hands into his eye sockets and willed himself to disappear into the mattress。 He was sure Trevor's fist was going to smash into his face at any moment； and he only hoped that blow would knock him out before the next one came。 He knew he should defend himself。 He couldn't land a punch； but he could kick。
But fighting back was the one thing he could not do。 He had a stoic dread of physical pain born of hard experience： you took what you couldn't avoid； but you didn't ask for more。 Zach had learned long ago that if you fought back； they only hurt you worse。
When the blow didn't e； he risked a look； though he had a particular horror of being punched in the eye so hard that it just squirted out of its socket。 But Trevor didn't hit him again。 Trevor was halfway across the room； lying on the floor with his arms wrapped around his head。
Zach swallowed a mouthful of blood； felt hot helpless tears spilling over the rims of his eyelids； stinging his wounded lips。 Blood dripped off his chin； made deep red blossoms on the bare mattress； ran down his chest and traced the pale arc of his ribs in vivid scarlet。 Zach felt it pooling in his navel； trickling into his crotch。 He put his fingertips to his mouth and they came away slicked nearly purple。 He looked again at Trevor； still curled miserably on the floor。
Why bother？ I was right all along： the second you make yourself vulnerable to someone； they start drawing blood。
Yeah； but if a real vampire came along； you'd bare your neck in a second。
Zach almost laughed through his tears。 It was true； he was always ready to take the flashy risks； always ready for the rush of impending doom as long as he could thwart it at the last second。 But the slower…acting and ultimately more dangerous risk of involving his life with someone's； of laying his soul open to someone； that was just too much。
He felt a surge of self…loathing。 His whole life had been lived by the Siamese…twin philosophies of Do what thou wilt and Fuck you。 Jack； I've got mine。 Beyond all his digital daring he was a coward； unable to fight or love。 No wonder he made such a good punching bag。
Trevor might be crazy； probably was crazy； but at least he was looking for the source of his craziness instead of running from it。
Trevor raised his head。 His face was wet with tears too。 。 He saw Zach looking at him； saw the blood； and his expression of uneasy calm crumbled into fresh woe。 〃You can leave if you want。 I won't 。 。 。 hurt you。〃
〃I don't want to leave。〃
Trevor tried to speak； could not make his throat work； lowered his face into his hands again。
〃Trevor？〃
〃Wh 。 。 。〃 He forced back a sob。 〃What。〃
〃Why don't you get back in bed with me？〃
Amazed； not trusting his ears； Trevor looked up。 He saw Zach's face； scared but not angry。 Even with blood dripping fresh off his chin； Zach wanted him over there。 Trevor couldn't imagine why。 He only knew that he did not want to stay here alone on the dirty floor of his childhood room； with his faded drawings staring down from the walls。
He crawled across the rough floorboards； through the drifts of torn paper and dust； toward the mattress。 When he was halfway there Zach held out his hand； and Trevor crawled toward that。
Zach clasped the outstretched hand and pulled Trevor onto the mattress； into his arms。 He pulled Trevor's head into the hollow of his shoulder； buried his face in Trevor's hair。 Zach's body felt to Trevor like a reflection of his own； Zach's bones seemed to interlock with his like atoms in the structure of a molecule。 Trevor thought he could feel their very souls； their molten cores of pain； flowing together like white…hot metals。
How can you know that？ Is this falling in love？ And if it is； how the hell does anyone SURVIVE it？
He realized that he was sobbing and Zach was too； that their faces and throats and collarbones were wet with each other's tears； that their skin was spattered and streaked with Zach's blood。 Zach's arms were wrapped tightly around Trevor's chest； and his sharp chin dug into Trevor's shoulder。 Trevor turned his head slightly and his mouth found Zach's jawline； still bloody。
Without thinking； Trevor rubbed his lips across the blood； then licked some of it away。 Then Zach's mouth moved to meet his； and Trevor supposed this was kissing； this warm； strange； melting thing。 He tasted salt and copper and the sharp smoky flavor of Zach's mouth。 Zach's torn lips were very soft against his； surely sore。 As they kissed more deeply Trevor felt the wounds e open again； felt Zach's blood flowing over his tongue。 He sucked at it and swallowed it。 He had spilled it； now he could take it into himself。 And it tasted so sweet； so full of the twin energies of life and death。
Zach's hands traced light patterns across his chest； making the skin shiver into goosebumps。 Trevor moved his mouth to Zach's ear； smelled yesterday's rainwater in Zach's hair。 〃What are you doing？〃 he whispered。
Zach placed his lips against the hollow of Trevor's throat and left them there for a moment before he answered。 〃Do you mind？〃
〃No； I don't think so。 I just don't know 。 。 。〃
〃Don't know what？〃
〃Anything。〃
Zach glanced up； met Trevor's eyes。 〃You mean you've never 。 。 。〃
Trevor was silent。 Zach's eyes widened and he started to speak； but was apparently struck dumb with awe。 Finally he said； 〃What did you do？〃
〃Nothing。〃
〃Jerk off？〃
〃Not much。〃
Zach shook his head slowly； marveling。 〃I'd be dead in a week if I didn't do something。 I'd be splattered all over the walls。〃
Trevor shrugged。
〃Well…〃 Zach lowered his head so that the longer strands of his hair fell forward and tickled Trevor's chest。 Most of his face was hidden； but Trevor saw a fierce spot of color blazing in one pale cheek。 〃I would show you。 If you wanted me to。〃
〃Zach？〃
He looked up。 His eyes were full of doubt and desire； enormous…pupiled； insanely green。
〃I don't even know how to say yes。〃
Their hands found each other and intertwined。 Zach squeezed Trevor's fingers； brought them to his lips and kissed them。 His tongue slid over the ball of Trevor's thumb； soft as velvet。 Trevor felt something uncoil deep inside him； some unfamiliar warmth seepi