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the shadowy wall。
〃Why did you do it； Armand？〃 he said。 〃Oh； the Veil has Christ on it； in some form； no doubt of it； it did seem to be the Holy Veil of Veronica； and God knows； thousands of others believed it； yes； but why in your case； why？ It was blazingly beautiful； yes； I grant you that； Christ with His thorns and His blood； and His eyes gazing right at us； both of us； but why did you believe it so pletely； Armand； after so long？ Why did you go to Him？ That's what you tried to do； didn't you？〃
I shook my head。 I made my words soft and pleading。
〃Back up； scholar；〃 I said； turning around slowly。 〃Mind your page。 This is for you； and for Sybelle。 Oh； it's for my little Benji too。 But in a way； it's my symphony for Sybelle。 The story begins a long time ago。 Maybe I've never truly realized how long ago； until this very moment。 You listen and write。 Let me be the one to cry and to rant and to rail。〃
2
I LOOK AT MY HANDS。 I think of the phrase 〃not made by human hands。〃 I know what this means； even though every time I ever heard the phrase said with emotion it had to do with what had e from my hands。
I'd like to paint now； to pick up a brush and try it the way I did it then； in a trance； furiously； once and for only； every line and mass of color； each blending； each decision final。
Ah； I'm so disorganized； so browbeaten by what I remember。
Let me choose a place to begin。
Constantinople…newly under the Turks； by that I mean a Moslem City for less than a century when I was brought there； a slave boy； captured in the wild lands of his country for which he barely knew the proper name： the Golden Horde。
Memory had already been choked out of me； along with language； or any capacity to reason in a consistent way。 I remember the squalid rooms that must have been Constantinople because other people talked； and for the first time in forever； since I'd been ripped out of what I couldn't remember； I could understand what people said。
They spoke Greek； of course； these traders who dealt in slaves for brothels in Europe。 They knew no religious allegiance； which was all I knew； pitifully devoid of detail。
I was thrown down on a thick Turkey carpet； the fancified rich floor covering one saw in a palace； a display rug for high…priced goods。
My hair was wet and long； someone had brushed it enough to hurt me。 All those personal things that were mine had been stripped from me and from my memory。 I was naked beneath an old frayed tunic of gold cloth。 It was hot and damp in the room。 I was hungry； but having no hope of food； I knew this to be a pain that would spike and then； of its own； die away。 The tunic must have given me a castoff glory； the shimmer of a fallen angel。 It had long bell sleeves and came to my knees。
When I got to my feet； which were bare of course； I saw these men and knew what they wanted； that this was vice； and despicable； and the price of it was Hell。 Curses of vanished elders echoed down on me： too pretty； too soft； too pale； eyes far too full of the Devil； ah； the devilish smile。
How intent these men were on their argument； their bargaining。 How they looked at me without ever looking into my eyes。
Suddenly I laughed。 Things here were being done so hastily。 Those who had delivered me had left me。 Those who had scrubbed me had never left the tubs。 I was a bundle thrown down on the carpet。
For one moment； I had an awareness of myself as having been sharp…tongued once and cynical； and keenly aware of the nature of men in general。 I laughed because these merchants thought I was a girl。
I waited； listening； catching these bits and pieces of talk。
We were in a broad room； with a low canopied ceiling； the silk of it sewn with tiny mirrors and the curlicues so loved by the Turks； and the lamps； though smoky； were scented and filled the air with a dusky hazy soot that burned my eyes。
The men in their turbans and caftans weren't unfamiliar to me any more than the language。 But I only caught dashes of what they said。 My eyes looked for an escape。 There was none。 There were heavy； brooding men slouching near the entrances。 A man far off at a desk used an abacus for counting。 He had piles and piles of gold coins。
One of the men； a tall lean one； all cheekbones and jaw； with rotted…out teeth； came towards me and felt of my shoulders and my neck。 Then he lifted up the tunic。 I stood stock…still； not enraged or consciously fearful； merely paralyzed。 This was the land of the Turks； and I knew what they did to boys。 Only I had never seen a picture； nor heard a real story of it； or known anyone who had ever really lived in it； penetrated it and e back home。
Home。 Surely I must have wanted to forget who I was。 I must have。 Shame must have made it mandatory。 But at that moment； in the tent…like room with its flowered carpet； among the merchants and slave traders； I strained to remember as if； discovering a map in myself； I could follow it out of here and back to where I belonged。
I did recollect the grasslands； the wild lands； lands where you don't go； except for…。 But that was a blank。 I'd been in the grasslands； defying fate； stupidly but not unwillingly。 I'd been carrying something of the utmost importance。 I got off my horse； ripped this big bundle loose from the leather harness and ran with the bundle clutched against my chest。
〃The trees！〃 he shouted； but who was he？
I knew what he had meant； however； that I had to reach the copse and put this treasure there； this splendid and magical thing that was inside the bundle； 〃not made by human hands。〃
I never got that far。 When they grabbed hold of me； I dropped the bundle and they didn't even go after it； at least not as I saw。 I thought； as I was hoisted into the air： It isn't supposed to be found like that； wrapped in cloth like that。 It has to be placed in the trees。
They must have raped me on the boat because I don't remember ing to Constantinople。 I don't remember being hungry； cold； outraged or afraid。
Now here for the first time； I knew the particulars of rape； the stinking grease； the squabbling； the curses over the ruin of the lamb。 I felt a hideous unsupportable powerlessness。
Loathsome men； men against God and against nature。
I made a roar like an animal at the turbaned merchant； and he struck me hard on the ear so that I fell to the ground。 I lay still looking up at him with all the contempt I could bring into my gaze。 I didn't get up； even when he kicked me。 I wouldn't speak。
Thrown over his shoulder I was carried out； taken through a crowded courtyard； past wondrous stinking camels and donkeys and heaps of filth； out by the harbor where the ships waited； over the gangplank and into the ship's hold。
It was filth again； the smell of hemp； the rustling of the rats on board。 I was thrown on a pallet of rough cloth。 Once again； I looked for the escape and saw only the ladder by which we'd descended and above heard the voices of too many men。
It was still dark when the ship began to move。 Within an hour I was so sick； I wanted simply to die。 I curled up on the flo