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〃Why do I think that's a leading statement？〃
〃Because it is； Mr。 Conklin。 I represent a government agency that's extremely interested in you； and one in which your future would be as unlimited as that of any potential recruit I've spoken to in a decade。 。。。〃
That conversation had taken place nearly thirty years ago； mused Alex； his eyes drifting up once again to the inner door of Sterile Five's waiting lounge in its own private medical center。 And how crazy the intervening years had been。 In a stress…defying bid for unrealistic expansion； his father had overextended himself； mitting enormous sums of money that existed only in his imagination and in the minds of avaricious bankers。 He lost six of his seven supermarkets； the smallest and last supporting a life…style that he found unacceptable； so he conveniently had a massive stroke and died as Alex's own adult life was about to begin。
Berlin…East and West。 Moscow； Leningrad； Tashkent and Kamchatka。 Vienna； Paris； Lisbon and Istanbul。 Then back across the world to stations in Tokyo； Hong Kong； Seoul； Cambodia； Laos； and finally Saigon and the tragedy that was Vietnam。 Over the years； with his facile mastery of languages and the expertise that came with survival； he had bee the Agency's point man in clandestine operations； its primary scout and often the on…scene strategist for covert activities。 Then one morning with the mists hanging over the Mekong Delta； a land mine shattered his life as well as his foot。 There was little left for a field man who depended on mobility in his chosen work； the rest was downhill and out of the field。 His excessive drinking he accepted； and excused as genetic。 The Russian's winter of depression carried over into spring； summer and autumn。 The skeletal； trembling wreck of a man who was about to go under was given a reprieve。 David Webb…Jason Bourne…came back into his life。
The door opened； mercifully cutting short his reverie； and Peter Holland walked slowly into the lounge。 His face was pale and drawn； his eyes glazed； and in his left hand were two small plastic containers； each presumably holding a cassette tape。
〃As long as I live；〃 said Peter； his voice low and hollow； barely above a whisper； 〃I hope to Christ I never go through anything like this again； never witness anything like this again。〃
〃How's Mo？〃
〃I didn't think he'd live。 。。。 I thought he'd kill himself。 Every now and then Walsh would stop。 Let me tell you； he was one frightened doctor。〃
〃Why didn't he call it off； for God's sake？〃
〃I asked him that。 He said Panov's instructions were not only explicit but that he'd written them out and signed them and expected them to be followed to the letter。 Maybe there's some kind of unwritten code of ethics between doctors； I don't know； but I do know Walsh hooked him up to an EKG； which he rarely took his eyes off。 Neither did I； it was easier than looking at Mo。 Jesus； let's get out of here！〃
〃Wait a minute。 What about Panov？〃
〃He's not ready for a wele…home party。 He'll stay here for a couple of days under observation。 Walsh will call me in the morning。〃
〃I'd like to see him。 I want to see him。〃
〃There's nothing to see but a human dishrag。 Believe me； you don't and he wouldn't want you to。 Let's go。〃
〃Where？〃
〃Your place in Vienna…our place in Vienna。 I assume you've got a cassette machine。〃
〃I've got everything but a moon rocket； most of which I can't operate。〃
〃I want to stop and get a bottle of whisky。〃
〃There's whatever you want at the apartment。〃
〃It doesn't bother you？〃 asked Holland； studying Alex。
〃Would it matter if it did？〃
〃Not a bit。 。。。 If I remember； there's an extra bedroom； isn't there？〃
〃Yes。〃
〃Good。 We may be up most of the night listening to these。〃 The director held up the cassettes。 〃The first couple of times won't mean anything。 All we'll hear is the pain； not the information。〃
It was shortly past five o'clock in the afternoon when they left the estate known within the Agency as Sterile House Five。 The days were growing shorter； September on the cusp； the descending sun announcing the forthing change with an intensity of color that was the death of one season and the birth of another。
〃The light's always brightest before we die；〃 said Conklin； leaning back in the seat beside Holland in the limousine； staring out the window。
〃I find that not only inappropriate but quite possibly sophomoric；〃 declared Peter wearily。 〃I won't mit to the latter until I know who said it。 Who was it？〃
〃Jesus； I think。〃
〃The Scriptures were never edited。 Too many campfires； no on…scene confirmation。〃
Alex laughed softly； reflectively。 〃Did you ever actually read them？ The Scriptures； I mean。〃
〃Most of it…most of them。〃
〃Because you had to？〃
〃Hell； no。 My father and mother were as agnostic as any two people could be without being branded godless pariahs。 They shut up about it and sent me and my two sisters to a Protestant service one week； a Catholic mass on another； and a synagogue after that。 Never with any regularity； but I guess they figured we should catch the whole scene。 That's what makes kids want to read。 Natural curiosity wrapped in mysticism。〃
〃Irresistible；〃 agreed Conklin。 〃I lost my faith； and now after years of proclaiming my spiritual independence； I wonder if I'm missing something。〃
〃Like what？〃
〃fort； Peter。 I have no fort。〃
〃For what？〃
〃I don't know。 Things I can't control； maybe。〃
〃You mean you don't have the fort of an excuse； a metaphysical excuse。 Sorry； Alex； we part pany。 We're accountable for what we do； and no confessional absolution can change that。〃
Conklin turned his head； his eyes wide open； and looked at Holland。 〃Thank you；〃 he said。
〃For what？〃
〃For sounding like me； even using a variation of the words I've used。 。。。 I came back from Hong Kong five years ago with the banner of Accountability on my lance。〃
〃You've lost me。〃
〃Forget it。 I'm back on track。 。。。 'Beware the pitfalls of ecclesiastical presumption and self…absorbed thought。〃
〃Who the hell said that？〃
〃Either Savonarola or Salvador Dali； I can't remember who。〃
〃Oh； for Christ's sake； cut the crap！〃 laughed Holland。
〃Why should I？ It's the first chuckle we've had。 And what about your two sisters？ What happened to them？〃
〃It's a better joke；〃 replied Peter； his head angled down into his chin； a mischievous smile on his lips。 〃One's a nun in New Delhi； and the other's president of her own public relations firm in New York and uses better Yiddish than most of her colleagues in the profession。 A couple of years ago she told me they stopped calling her shiksa。 She loves her life； so does my other sister in India。〃
〃Yet you chose the military。〃
〃Not 'yet；' Alex。 。。。 And I chose it。 I was an angry young man who really believed this country was being dumped on。 I came from a privileged family…money； influence； an expensive prep school…that guaranteed me…me； not the black kid on the streets of Philadelphia or Harlem…automatic admittance to Annapolis。 I simply figured I had to somehow earn that privilege。 I had to show that people like me didn't just use our advantages to avoid； but instead to extend； our responsibilit