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my throat； like a trapped thing。 My voice came out calm； normal。 I was glad。 〃It doesn't matter that I'm afraid。〃 I touched the flashlight； tried to pull it from his hand； but he held on。 And； short of playing tug of war which I would probably lose I wasn't getting it away from him。
〃Why do you have to be the toughest； the bravest？ Why can't you； just once； let me do something for you？ Going down in the hole doesn't scare me。 Let me do this for you。 Please。〃 His voice was still soft； and he was leaning into me enough so that I could smell the drying blood on him； the richness of fresh blood in his mouth； as if some small cut had not healed pletely。
I shook my head。 〃I have to do it； Richard。〃
〃Why？〃 and his voice held the first hint of anger； like a slap of warmth。
〃Because it scares me； and I have to know if I can。〃
〃Can what？〃
〃If I can crawl down into that hole。〃
〃Why？ Why do you need to know that？ You've proven to me and everyone here that you're tough。 You don't have anything left to prove to us。〃
〃To me； Richard； I have something left to prove to me。〃
〃What difference would it make if you couldn't climb down in that stinking hole？ You'll never have to do it again； Anita。 Just don't do it。〃
I looked at him； at the puzzlement in his face； his eyes； which had bled back to their normal； perfect brown。 I'd been trying to explain shit like this to Richard for a few years now。 I finally realized that he would never understand and I was tired of trying to explain myself； not just to Richard； to everybody。
〃Give me the flashlight； Richard。〃
He held on with both hands。 〃Why do you have to do this？ Just tell me that。 You're so scared your mouth is dry。 I can taste it on your breath。〃
〃And I can taste fresh blood on yours； but I have to do it because it scares me。〃
He shook his head。 〃This isn't courage； Anita； this is stubbornness。〃
I shrugged。 〃Maybe； but I still have to do it。〃
He clutched the flashlight tighter。 〃Why？〃 And somehow I thought the question was about more than the oubliette and why I had to climb inside it。
I sighed。 〃Less and less scares me； Richard。 So when I find something that does bother me； I have to test it。 I have to see if I can do it。〃
〃Why？〃 He studied my face like he'd memorize it。
〃Just to see if I can。〃
〃Why？〃 and the anger was more than a faint hint now。
I shook my head。 〃I'm not peting with you； Richard； or anyone else。 I don't give a shit who's better or faster or braver。〃
〃Then why do it？〃
〃The only person I pete against is me； Richard； and I'll think less of me if I let you； or anyone else； climb down in that hole first。 Gregory is my boy； not yours； and I have to rescue him。〃
〃You've already rescued him； Anita。 It doesn't matter who climbs in the damn hole。〃
I almost smiled； but not like it was funny。 〃Give me the flashlight； please； Richard。 I can't explain this to you。〃
〃Does your Nimir…Raj understand it？〃 The anger burned along my skin； like a swarm of stings。 It damn near hurt。
I frowned at him。 〃Ask him yourself； now give me the damn flashlight。〃 If you get angry at me； it never takes me long to respond。
〃I want to be your Ulfric； Anita； your guy； whatever the hell that means。 Why won't you let me be 。。。 ？〃 He stopped talking； looking away from me。
〃The man。 Was that what you were going to say？〃
He looked back at me and nodded。
〃Look； if we keep dating； or whatever the hell we're going to do； we have to get one thing straight。 Your ego is no longer my problem。 Don't be the man for me； Richard； be the person I need。 You don't have to be bigger and braver than I am to be my man。 I've got male friends that spend most of their time trying to prove they have bigger； brassier balls than I do。 I don't need that from you。〃
〃What if I need to be braver than you for myself； not for you？〃
I thought about that for a second or two； then said； 〃You're not afraid of going down into the oubliette； are you？〃
〃I don't want to go down； and I don't want to see what they've done to Gregory； but I'm not as afraid as you are； no。〃
〃Then it doesn't make you braver than me to go down into the hole； does it？ Because it doesn't cost you anything to go down there。〃
He leaned very； very close to my ear； then breathed the barest of sounds against my skin。 〃Like it would cost you nothing to kill Jacob for me。〃
I stiffened beside him； then turned； trying to keep the shock off my face。
〃I knew that was what you were thinking the moment I saw you look at him；〃 Richard said。
〃You'd let me do that？〃 I asked； voice soft； but not as soft as his had been。
〃I don't know yet。 But wouldn't your reasoning be that it would cost you nothing to do it and it would cost me dear？〃
We stared at each other。 I finally nodded。
He smiled。 〃Then let me go down the fucking hole。〃
〃When did you start using the F…word？〃
〃While you were away。 I think I missed hearing it。〃 He grinned at me suddenly； a bright flash of smile in the dark。
I couldn't not smile back。 Kneeling by that horrible black opening； fear still flat on my tongue； his anger still riding the air between us； and we smiled at each other。 〃I'll let you go down the hole first；〃 I said。
The smile widened until it filled his eyes； and even by starlight I could see them gleam with humor。 〃Okay。〃
I leaned into him and gave him a quick kiss。 Too quick for the powers to move between us； too quick to taste the blood in his mouth； too quick to find out if our beasts would roil through each other's bodies。 I kissed him just because I wanted to； because for the first time I thought we might both be willing to bend a little。 Would it be enough？ Who the hell knew？ But I was hopeful。 For the first time in a long time； I was truly hopeful。 Without hope； love dies and parts of you wither。 I didn't know what it meant for Micah that I had hope for Richard and me。 We'd talked openly about sharing； but I didn't know how much of that had been for public show and how much had been real。 But right that second； I didn't care； I clutched that positive emotion to me and held on。 Later； later； we'd worry about other things。 I'd let Richard climb down first； but I'd still be going down； and I wanted that small warm hope inside my chest along with the fear。
27
RICHARD'S WEIGHT ON the rope ladder kept it tight under my hands。 He'd put his flashlight on a strap around his wrist。 I watched the pool of yellow light vanishing down into that narrow darkness and realized that I was still barely on the ladder； my head still aboveground。
Micah was kneeling beside the hole。 〃It'll be alright；〃 he said。
I swallowed and looked at him； knowing my eyes were just a little wide； 〃I know；〃 but my voice came out breathy。
〃You really don't have to do this；〃 he said； voice soft； and as neutral as he could make it。
I frowned at him。 〃Don't you start。〃
〃Then you better catch up with him。〃 His voice was a little less neutral； but I couldn't tell what tone it held。
I started climbing down the soft roughness of the rope ladder； moving quickly； angrily。 I wasn't angry with Micah； not really。 I was angry with me。 The anger got me well down into the dark where the light from