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tween us like slamming a door。 It was so sudden that it felt like the world had lurched。 I had a moment of dizziness； was almost sick； then the ardeur rode over us； through us； like a thundering thing to trample us both underfoot； until we were just flesh； bone； blood； just meat； just need。 I saw Richard's back arch； his head fling back； and through the ardeur I felt the growing pressure； tightness in his body； seconds before hot release spilled over him； and I held his hand while his body rocked with the strength of it； and the pleasure of it drew me to my knees； almost as if the power itself lifted me up for a second； held me； rocked me； and I fed； I fed； and fed； and fed； until we were left lying on the floor； sweat…covered； breathing in gasps； our hands still locked together。
Richard pulled away first。 He lay there； eyes unfocused； breathing labored； his heart beating too fast； filling his throat。 He swallowed hard enough that it sounded like it hurt。 I felt weighted； heavy with the feeding； almost like I could sleep again； like a snake after a big meal。
Richard found his voice first。 〃You had no right to feed off me。〃
〃I thought that was the idea of you staying until morning；〃 I said。
He sat up slowly； as if he were stiff now。 〃It was。〃
〃You never said no。〃 I rolled onto my side； but didn't try and sit up yet。
He nodded。 〃I know that。 I'm not blaming you。〃
He was； but at least he was trying not to。 〃You could have stopped me； Richard。 All you had to do was either leave the marks open between us or let your beast go。 You could have held the ardeur out。 You made your choice on what to control。〃
〃I know that； too。〃 But he wouldn't look at me。
I propped myself up on my arms； almost sitting。 〃Then what's wrong？〃
He shook his head and got to his feet。 He was a little unsteady； but he went for the door。 〃I'm leaving； Anita。〃
〃You make that sound awfully permanent； Richard。〃
He turned and looked at me。 〃No one feeds off me； no one。〃
He'd closed himself so tight that I couldn't tell what he was feeling； but it was plain on his face。 Pain。 His eyes held some deep pain； and he'd pulled so far away in his mind； his heart； that I couldn't tell what it was； only that it hurt him。
〃So； you won't be here tomorrow morning when the ardeur es again？〃 My voice sounded almost neutral when I asked。
He shook his head； all that heavy hair sliding around his shoulders。 His hand was on the doorknob； his body turned away enough that he hid himself from me as much as he could。 〃I can't do this again； Anita。 For God's sake； you have the same rule。 No one feeds on you either。〃
I sat up； arms wrapping around my knees； holding them tight to my chest。 I guess I was covering my nakedness； too。 〃You've felt the ardeur now； Richard。 If I can't feed off of you； then who？ Who do you want me to share this with？〃
〃Jean…Claude 。。。 〃 But his voice dropped off before he could finish。
〃It's a little after noon and he's still dead to the world。 He won't wake in tune to share the ardeur with me。〃
His hand tightened on the doorknob hard enough for me to see the muscles in his arm tense。 〃The Nimir…Raj； then。 I'm told you've already fed on him once anyway。〃
〃I don't know Micah that well； Richard。〃 I took a deep breath and said； 〃I don't love him； Richard。 I love you。 I want you。〃
〃You want to feed off me？ You want me to be your cow？〃
〃No；〃 I said； 〃no。〃
〃I am not food； Anita； not for you or anyone else。 I am Ulfric of the Thronnos Rokke Clan； and I am not cattle。 I am the thing that eats the cattle。〃
〃If you had shifted； then you could have blocked the ardeur； kept me from feeding； why didn't you？〃
He leaned his forehead against the door。 〃I don't know。〃
〃Honesty； Richard； at least with yourself。〃
He turned then； and his anger flared across my skin like a whip。 〃You want honesty； fine； we can have honesty。 I hate what I am。 I want a life； Anita。 I want a real life。 I want free of all this shit。 I don't want to be Ulfric。 I don't want to be a werewolf。 I just want a life。〃
〃You have a life； Richard； it's just not the life you thought it would be。〃
〃And I don't want to love someone who is more at home with the monsters than I am。〃
I just looked at him； hugging my knees to my bare chest； my back pressed up against the bed。 I looked at him； because I couldn't think of a damned thing to say。
〃I'm sorry； Anita； but I can't 。。。 won't do this。〃 He opened the door then。 He opened the door； and he walked out； closing it behind him。 The door closed with a soft； firm click。 I sat there for a few seconds not moving。 I don't even think I was breathing； then slowly the tears squeezed out； and my first breath was a ragged gasp that hurt my throat。 I rolled slowly to the floor； lying in a tight； tight ball。 I lay on the floor and cried until I was cold and shivering。
That's how Nathaniel found me。 He pulled the blanket from the bed and wrapped it around me； picked me up； and climbed onto the bed with me in his arms。 He held me in the curve of his body； spooned against me； and I couldn't feel him through the thick blanket。 He held me and stroked my hair。 I felt the bed move and opened my eyes to find Cherry and Zane crawling around me。 They touched my face； took my tears with the tips of their fingers； and curled around me on the other side until I was cupped in their warmth。
Gregory and Vivian came next and climbed onto the bed until we all lay in a warm； thick nest of bodies and covers。 And I was hot and had to peel the blanket back； and their hands spilled over me； touching； holding。 I realized that I was still naked and so were they。 No one ever put on clothes unless I made them。 But the touching wasn't sexual； it was fort； the warm pile of puppies and everyone in that pile loved me in their way。 Maybe it wasn't the way I wanted to be loved； but love is love and sometimes I think I'd thrown away more love than most people ever get a chance at。 I was trying to be more careful lately。
They held me until I fell asleep； exhausted with crying； skin hot。 But down in the center of my being was a cold； icy spot that they couldn't touch。 It was the place where I loved Richard； had always loved Richard； almost from the first time I'd seen him。 But he was right on one thing。 We couldn't keep doing this。 I wouldn't keep doing this。 It was over。 It had to be over。 He hated what he was； and now he hated what I was。 He said he wanted someone that he wouldn't have to worry about hurting； and he did want that； but he also wanted someone human； ordinary。 He couldn't have both； but that didn't keep him from wanting both。 I couldn't be ordinary； and I wasn't sure I'd ever been human。 I couldn't be what Richard wanted me to be； and he couldn't stop wanting it。 Richard was a riddle with no answer； and I was tired of playing a game I couldn't win。
39
I SLEPT LIKE I was drugged； heavy； with harsh； fragmented dreams； or nothingness。 I don't know when I would have woken； but someone was licking my cheek。 If they'd shaken me or called my name； I might have been able to ignore it； but someone was licking my cheek in long languorous movements that I couldn't ignore。
I opened my eyes and found Cherr