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it didn't matter。 Nothing seemed to matter。 Merle stayed standing； and I didn't even bother trying to look up at him。 All I could see were the silver toes of his boots。
〃Nathaniel said that you touched his beast when you marked his back；〃 Cherry said。
I blinked at her； meeting her pale eyes。 I nodded。 I remembered a shining moment； after I'd marked his back actually； where I'd felt his beast roiling under the touch of my power； and I'd been sure I could call that part of him； make him shapeshift for me。 I was still nodding； and made myself stop； saying； 〃I remember。〃
Lillian came back out and applied bags of ice wrapped in a small towel to my hands。 〃Try not to hurt yourself for a few minutes。 I'm going back to check on Gregory。〃 She left me with the three leopards and my ice。
〃If you touched Nathaniel's beast； there's a chance you could call Gregory's now。〃
I shook my head。 〃I don't think so。〃
Cherry gripped my arm。 〃Don't fall apart on us now； Anita； Gregory needs you。〃
The first flare of anger pushed through the shock。 〃I have done my fucking best for him tonight。〃
She dropped her hand away from my arm； but didn't look away。 〃Anita； please； Merle thinks you may be strong enough to call Gregory's beast； even before your first full moon。〃
I clutched the towel…covered ice to my chest。 The sudden cold across my nearly naked chest helped clear my head。 〃I thought that wasn't possible before I shifted for the first time。〃
〃With you； Anita；〃 Merle said； 〃I would be a fool to say what you can and can't do。〃
I let the ice fall on the coverlet in my lap and looked up at the big man。 〃Why the change of heart？ I failed Gregory out there on the deck。〃
〃You risked yourself for one of your cats。 It is the very best a Nimir…Ra； or …Raj； has in them； to take great risks for their people。〃
I touched the towel； found one corner wet； and knew the plastic bag hadn't sealed pletely。 I moved the bag rightside up so it wouldn't spill anymore。 〃What do you want from me？〃 My voice sounded as tired as I felt。
Merle knelt in front of me； and I met his eyes。 There was a look in them that I didn't want right now。 He seemed to trust me； and I didn't feel trustworthy。 I felt scared。
〃Call Gregory's beast。〃
〃I don't know how。 When I was with Nathaniel； it was 。。。 〃 I sighed。
〃It was sexual；〃 Cherry finished for me。
I nodded。 〃I am not trying for that kind of mood with Gregory again tonight。 I don't think either he； or I； could handle it if it went wrong again。〃
〃Calling the beast doesn't have to be sexual；〃 Merle said。
I met his strangely trusting gaze。 I was beyond tired。 I just didn't have anything left tonight； not for Gregory。 I did not want to touch him again tonight。 Part of me was afraid that Raina would make an unplanned appearance； though I knew that was almost impossible for her now。 I did have better control than that。 But 。。。 〃How can I ever touch Gregory again and not remember that？〃
〃I don't know；〃 Cherry said； 〃but please； Anita； please help him。〃
〃How do I call his beast without getting in the mood？〃 I asked。
〃You need to talk to someone who can call the beast from their people；〃 Merle said。
I looked at him。 〃You got someone in mind？〃
〃I am told your Ulfric can call the beast from his wolves。〃
I nodded。 〃So I hear。〃
〃If he called a wolf into form； while you watched； then he might be able to show you how to do it。〃
〃You really think it will work？〃 I asked him。
〃I don't know；〃 he said； 〃but isn't it worth trying？〃
I handed him the leaking bag of ice。 〃Sure； if Richard will e。〃
Nathaniel answered that one。 〃Richard blames himself for Gregory's injuries。 If we offer him a chance to heal him； he'll e。〃
I stared at Nathaniel； watched the intelligence in those flower…colored eyes。 It was one of the most insightful things I'd ever heard him say。 It gave me just a little hope； that indeed Nathaniel could be made whole that he was getting better。 I needed some hope just then； but it was still unnerving for Nathaniel to know Richard so well； to be that observant。 It meant that I'd underestimated Nathaniel。 I kept equating submissiveness with being inferior； and that wasn't really the case。 Some people choose to be bottoms； to serve； it doesn't make them less； just different。 I looked into his face and wondered what else I'd missed； or what else he'd show me？ It was a night for revelations； so why the hell not have Richard join us？ How much worse could it get？ Please； no one answer that。
32
I BRUSHED MY teeth and sat at the kitchen table in the dark； drinking coffee while we waited。 Nathaniel padded barefoot into the room； his hair swinging loose around his bare chest and the jean shorts he'd put on。
〃How's Gregory？〃 I asked。
〃Dr。 Lillian put an IV in him； to help with the shock； she said。〃 He stopped beside the table； not quite in front of me。
〃An IV。 Richard will be here within an hour or less。 If she put an IV in then 。。。 〃 I let my voice trail off。
Nathaniel finished for me。 〃Gregory's very hurt。〃
I looked up at him in the darkened kitchen。 The only light was the small one over the sink。 It left most of the room in thick shadows。 〃You don't mean the injuries he got from the wolves； do you？〃
He shook his head； all that hair sliding around his body。 A long heavy strand slid over one shoulder； and he tossed his head to flip it back behind him。 I'd never been around a man that had such long hair； who was so fortable with it。
〃He kept talking about Raina；〃 Nathaniel said； 〃kept swearing under his breath。〃 His voice had dropped low； almost a whisper。 He was staring over my head at things I couldn't see； and probably didn't want to。
I touched his arm。 〃You alright？〃
He looked down at me； smiled； but not like he was happy。 He moved his hand so he was holding mine。 His grip was tight like he needed the fort。
〃Talk to me； Nathaniel。〃
〃I gave you copies of three of my movies。〃 He smiled； wide this time； before I could say anything。 〃I know you've never watched them。 When I gave them to you； I still thought you were like Gabriel and Raina； that it had to be sex； that you would like that they were porn。 I understand now that you'll take care of us no matter what； not because you lust after us or because you love one of us； but just because。〃 He went to his knees； still holding my hand； pressing it against his chest with both his own。 He laid his head on my lap； his face turned away from me。 I moved a thick line of hair away from his face； so I could see his profile as he leaned against me。
We sat there for a few moments； me waiting for him to continue； him maybe waiting for me to prompt him； but the silence wasn't strained。 One of us would fill it when we were ready； and we both knew that。 He was the one who sighed； keeping one hand on my hand； pressed to him； his other hand curling around my leg。 I could feel the beat of his heart against the back of my hand。
〃I did more movies than just those three。 Most of them with Raina。 Gabriel wouldn't let her have me as a lover； or a slave。 I think he knew she'd kill me； but on film where things could be controlled 。。。 〃 He hugged his body against mine； clinging。
〃What ha