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〃What about Benedict?〃 I asked softly。
〃Don't。。。〃 she said; and she turned away。 There was a silence。 Then; 〃I do not believe that we will ever meet again;〃 she said; and her horse carried her off to my left; in the direction of the black road。
A cynic might have decided that she had simply chosen to toss in her lot with what she now saw as the winning side; as the Courts of Chaos would likely survive。 I simply did not know。 I could think only of what I had seen when she had gestured。 The cowling had slipped away and I had gotten a glimpse of what she had bee。 It had not been a human face; there within the shadows。 But I turned my head and watched until she was gone。 With Deirdre; Brand and Dad gone; and now a parting with Dara on these terms; the world was much emptier … whatever was left of it。
I lay back and sighed。 Why not just remain here when the others departed; wait for the storm to wash over me; and sleep。。。 dissolve? I thought of Hugi。 Had I digested his flight from life as well as his flesh? I was so tired that it seemed the easiest course。。。
〃Here; Corwin。〃
I had been dozing again; though only for a moment。 Fiona was beside me once more; with rations and a flask。 Someone was with her。
〃I did not wish to interrupt your audience;〃 she said。 〃So I waited。〃
〃You heard?〃 I asked。
〃No; but I can guess;〃 she said; 〃since she is gone。 Here。〃
I swallowed some wine; turned my attention to the meat; the bread。 Despite my state of mind; they tasted good to me。
〃We will be moving soon;〃 Fiona said; casting a glance at the raging stormfront。 〃Can you ride?〃
〃I think so;〃 I said。
I took another drink of the wine。
〃But too much has happened; Fi;〃 I told her。 〃I have gone numb emotionally。 I broke out of a sanitarium on a shadow world。 I have tricked people and I've killed people。 I have calculated and I have fought。 I won back my memory and I have been trying to straighten out my life。 I have found my family; and found that I love it。 I have been reconciled with Dad。 I have fought for the kingdom。 I have tried everything I know to hold things together。 Now it appears that it has all e to nothing; and I have not enough spirit left to mourn further。 I have gone numb。 Forgive me。〃
She kissed me。
〃We are not yet beaten。 You will be yourself again;〃 she said。
I shook my head。
〃It is like the last chapter of Alice;〃 I said。 〃If I shout; 'You are only a pack of cards!' I feel we will all fly into the air; a hand of painted pasteboards。 I am not going with you。 Leave me here。 I am only the Joker; anyway。〃
〃Right now; I am stronger than you are;〃 she said。 〃You are ing。〃
〃It is not fair;〃 I said softly。
〃Finish eating;〃 she said。 〃There is still some time。〃
As I did; she went on; 〃Your son Merlin is waiting to see you。 I would like to call him up here now。〃
〃Prisoner?〃
〃Not exactly。 He was not a batant。 He just arrived a little while ago; asking to see you。〃
I nodded and she went away。 I abandoned my rations and took another swig of wine。 I had just bee nervous。 What do you say to a grown son you only recently learned existed? I wondered about his feelings toward me。 I wondered whether he knew of Dara's decision。 How should I act with him?
I watched him approach from a place where my relatives were clustered; far off to my left。 I had wondered why they had left me by myself this way。 The more visitors I received the more apparent it became。 I wondered whether they were holding up the withdrawal because of me。 The storm's moist winds were growing stronger。 He was staring at me as he advanced; no special expression on that face so much like my own。 I wondered how Dara felt now that her prophecy of the destruction seemed to have been fulfilled。 I wondered how her relationship with the boy actually stood。 I wondered。。。 many things。
He leaned forward to clasp my hand。
〃Father。。。〃 he said。
〃Merlin。〃
I looked into his eyes。 I rose to my feet; still holding his hand。
〃Do not get up。〃
〃It is all right。〃 I clasped him to me; then released him。 〃I am glad;〃 I said。 Then: 〃Drink with me。〃 I offered him the wine; partly to cover my lack of words。
〃Thank you。〃
He took it; drank some and passed it back。
〃Your health;〃 I said and took a sip myself。 〃Sorry I cannot offer you a chair。〃
I lowered myself to the ground。 He did the same。
〃None of the others seemed to know exactly what you have been doing;〃 he said; 〃except for Fiona; who said only that it had been very difficult。〃
〃No matter;〃 I said。 〃I am glad to have made it this far; if for no other reason than this。 Tell me of yourself; son。 What are you like? How has life treated you?〃
He looked away。
〃I have not lived long enough to have done too much;〃 he said。
I was curious whether he possessed the shapeshifting ability; but restrained myself from asking at this point。 No sense in looking for our differences when I had just met him。
〃I have no idea what it was like;〃 I said; 〃growing up in the Courts。〃
He smiled for the first time。
〃And I have no idea what it would have been like anywhere else;〃 he responded。 〃I was different enough to be left to myself a lot。 I was taught the usual things a gentleman should know … magic; weapons; poisons; riding; dancing。 I was told that I would one day rule in Amber。 This is not true anymore; is it?〃
〃It does not seem too likely in the foreseeable future;〃 I said。
〃Good;〃 he replied。 〃This is the one thing I did not want to do。〃
〃What do you want to do?〃
〃I want to walk the Pattern in Amber as Mother did and gain power over Shadow; so that I might walk there and see strange sights and do different things。 Do you think I might?〃
I took another rip and I passed him the wine。
〃It is quite possible;〃 I said; 〃that Amber no longer exists。 It all depends on whether your grandfather succeeded in something he attempted … and he is no longer around to tell us what happened。 However; one way or the other; there is a Pattern。 If we live through this demon storm; I promise you that I will find you a Pattern; instruct you and see you walking it。〃
〃Thanks;〃 he said。 〃Now will you tell me of your journey here?〃
〃Later;〃 I told him。 〃What did they tell you of me?〃
He looked away。
〃I was taught to dislike many of the things about Amber;〃 he finally said。 Then; after a pause: 〃You; I was taught to respect; as my father。 But I was reminded that you were of the party of the enemy。〃 Another pause。 〃I remember that time on patrol; when you had e to this place and I found you; after your fight with Kwan。 My feelings were mixed。 You had just slain someone I had known; yet … I had to admire the stance you took。 I saw my face in your own。 It was strange。 I wanted to know you better。〃
The sky had rotated pletely and the darkness was now above us; the colors passing over the Courts。 The steady advance of the flashing stormfront was emphasized by this。 I leaned forward and reached for my boots; began pulling them on。 Soon it would be time to begin our retreat。
〃We will have to continue our conversation on your home ground;〃 I said。 〃It is about time to fly the storm。〃
He turned and considered the elements; then looked back out over