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ook her in my arms and kissed her。
At least； I attempted to。 She stiff…armed me away； saying gruffly； 〃I shall never kiss a drunk。 That's one promise I've made to myself and shall always keep。 Nor be kissed by one。〃 Her voice was tight。
〃I'm not drunk； I'm 。。。 sick；〃 I protested。 The surge of excitement had made my head spin more than ever。 I swayed on my feet。 〃It doesn't matter anyway。 You're here and safe。〃
She steadied me。 A reflex she had learned taking care of her father。 〃Oh。 I see。 You're not drunk。〃 Disgust and disbelief mingled in her voice。 〃You're not the scriber's boy； either。 Nor a stable hand。 Is lying how you always begin with people？ It seems to be how you always end。〃
〃I didn't lie；〃 I said querulously； confused by the anger in her voice。 I wished I could make my eyes meet hers。 〃I just didn't tell you quite 。。。 it's too plicated。 Molly； I'm just so glad you're all right。 And here in Buckkeep！ I thought I was going to have to search 。。。〃 She still gripped me； holding me on my feet。 〃I'm not drunk。 Really。 I did lie just now； because it was embarrassing to admit how weak I am。〃
〃And so you lie。〃 Her voice cut like a whip。 〃You should be more embarrassed to lie； Newboy。 Or is lying permitted to a Prince's son？〃
She let go of me and I sagged against a wall。 I tried to get a grip on my whirling thoughts while keeping my body vertical。 〃I'm not a Prince's son；〃 I said at last。 〃I'm a bastard。 That's different。 And yes； that was too embarrassing to admit； too。 But I never told you I wasn't the Bastard。 I just always felt； when I was with you； I was Newboy。 It was nice； having a few friends who looked at me and thought； ‘Newboy' instead of ‘the Bastard。' 〃
Molly didn't reply。 Instead she grabbed me； much more roughly than before； by my shirtfront； and hauled me down the hall to my room。 I was amazed at how strong women were when they were angry。 She shouldered the door open as if it were a personal enemy and propelled me toward my bed。 As soon as I was close； she let go and I fell against it。 I righted myself and managed to sit down。 By clutching my hands tightly together and gripping them between my knees； I could control my trembling。 Molly stood glaring at me。 I couldn't precisely see her。 Her outline was blurred； her features a smear； but I could tell by the way she stood that she was furious。
After a moment I ventured； 〃I dreamed of you。 While I was gone。〃
She still didn't speak。 I felt a bit braver。 〃I dreamed you were at Siltbay。 When it was raided。〃 My words came out tight with my effort to keep my voice from shaking。 〃I dreamed of fires； and Raiders attacking。 In my dream； there were two children you had to protect。 It seemed like they were yours。〃 Her silence held like a wall against my words。 She probably thought I was ten kinds of an idiot； babbling about dreams。 And why； oh why； of all the people in the world who could have seen me so unmanned； why did it have to be Molly？ The silence had grown long。 〃But you were here； at Buckkeep and safe。〃 I tried to steady my quavering voice。 〃I'm glad you're safe。 But what are you doing at Buckkeep？〃
〃What am I doing here？〃 Her voice was as tight as mine。 Anger made it cold； but I thought it was hedged with fear； too。 〃I came looking for a friend。〃 She paused and seemed to strangle for a bit。 When she spoke again； her voice was artificially calm； almost kind。 〃You see； my father died and left me a debtor。 So my creditors took my shop from me。 I went to stay with relatives； to help with the harvest； to earn money to start again。 In Siltbay。 Though how you came to know of it； I cannot even guess。 I earned a bit and my cousin was willing to loan me the rest。 The harvest had been good。 I was to e back to Buckkeep the next day。 But Siltbay was raided。 I was there； with my nieces 。。。。〃 Briefly； her voice trailed away。 I remembered with her。 The ships； the fire； the laughing woman with the sword。 I looked up at her and could almost focus on her。 I could not speak。 But she was looking off； over my head。 She spoke on calmly。
〃My cousins lost everything they owned。 They counted themselves lucky； for their children survived。 I couldn't ask them to loan me money still。 Truth was； they couldn't even have paid me for the work I had done； if I had thought to ask。 So I came back to Buckkeep； with winter closing in； and no place to stay。 And I thought； I've always been friends with Newboy。 If there's anyone I could ask to loan me money to tide me over； it would be him。 So I came up to the Keep； and asked for the scriber's boy。 But everyone shrugged and sent me to Fedwren。 And Fedwren listened as I described you； and frowned； and sent me to Patience。〃 Molly paused significantly。 I tried to imagine that meeting； but shuddered away from it。 〃She took me on as a lady's maid；〃 Molly said softly。 〃She said it was the least she could do； after you had shamed me。〃
〃Shamed you？〃 I jerked upright。 The world rocked around me and my blurry vision dissolved into sparks。 〃How？ How shamed you？〃
Molly's voice was quiet。 〃She said you had obviously won my affections； and then left me。 Under my false assumption that you would someday be able to marry me； I'd let you court me。〃
〃I didn't 。。。〃 I faltered； and then： 〃We were friends。 I didn't know you felt any more than that 。。。。〃
〃You didn't？〃 She lifted her chin； I knew that gesture。 Six years ago she would have followed it with a punch to my stomach。 I still flinched。 But she just spoke more quietly when she said； 〃I suppose I should have expected you to say that。 It's an easy thing to say。〃
It was my turn to be nettled。 〃You're the one who left me； with not even a word of farewell。 And with that sailor； Jade。 Do you think I don't know about him？ I was there； Molly。 I saw you take his arm and walk away with him。 Why didn't you e to me； then； before leaving with him？〃
She drew herself up。 〃I had been a woman with prospects。 Then I became； all unwittingly； a debtor。 Do you imagine that I knew of the debts my father had incurred； and then ignored？ Not till after he was buried did the creditors e knocking。 I lost everything。 Should I have e to you as a beggar； hoping you'd take me in？ I'd thought that you'd cared about me。 I believed that you wanted 。。。 El damn you； why do I have to admit this to you！〃 Her words rattled against me like flung stones。 I knew her eyes were blazing； her cheeks flushed。 〃I thought you did want to marry me； that you did want a future with me。 I wanted to bring something to it； not e to you penniless and prospectless。 I'd imagined us with a little shop； me with my candles and herbs and honey； and you with your scriber's skills 。。。。 And so I went to my cousin； to ask to borrow money。 He had none to spare； but arranged for my passage to Siltbay； to talk to his elder brother Flint。 I've told you how that ended。 I worked my way back here on a fishing boat； Newboy； gutting fish and putting them down in salt。 I came back to Buckkeep like a beaten dog。 And I swallowed my pride and came up here that day； and found out how stupid I was； how you'd pretended and lied to me。 You are a bastard； Newboy。 You are