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ck。〃
〃Remember we had dinner at Murray's one night？ On the way home we talked about your memory lapses。 You said you weren't sure whether or not you were taking medication。 You couldn't remember； you said。 This was a lie； of course。〃
〃I guess so；〃 she said。
〃But you weren't lying about memory lapses in general。 Denise and I assumed your forgetfulness was a side effect of whatever drug you were taking。〃
The whole head emerged。
〃Totally wrong；〃 she said。 〃It wasn't a side effect of the drug。 It was a side effect of the condition。 Mr。 Gray said my loss of memory is a desperate attempt to counteract my fear of death。 It's like a war of neurons。 I am able to forget many things but I fail when it es to death。 And now Mr。 Gray has failed as well。〃
〃Does he know that？〃
〃I left a message on his answering machine。〃
〃What did； he say when he called back？〃
〃He sent me a tape in the mail； which I took over to the Stovers to play。 He said he was literally sorry； whatever that means。 He said I was not the right subject after all。 He is sure it will work someday； soon； with someone； somewhere。 He said he made a mistake with me。 It was too random。 He was too eager。〃
It was the middle of the night。 We were both exhausted。 But we'd e so far； said so much； that I knew we couldn't stop just yet。 I took a deep breath。 Then I lay back； staring into the ceiling。 Babette leaned across my body to turn off the lamp。 Then she pressed a button on the radio； killing the voices。 A thousand other nights had ended more or less like this。 I felt her sink into the bed。
'There's something I promised myself I wouldn't tell you。〃
〃Can it wait until morning？〃 she said。
〃I'm tentatively scheduled to die。 It won't happen tomorrow or the next day。 But it is in the works。〃
I went on to tell her about my exposure to Nyodene D。； speaking matter…of…factly； tonelessly； in short declarative sentences。 I told her about the puter technician； the way he'd tapped into my history to produce a pessimistic massive tally。 We are the sum total of our data； I told her； just as we are the sum total of our chemical impulses。 I tried to explain how hard I'd struggled to keep the news from her。 But after her own revelations； this seemed the wrong kind of secret to be keeping。
〃So …we are no longer talking about fear and floating terror；〃 I said。 〃This is the hard and heavy thing； the fact itself。〃
Slowly she emerged from beneath the covers。 She climbed on top of me； sobbing。 I felt her fingers clawing at my shoulders and neck。 The warm tears fell on my lips。 She beat me on the chest； seized my left hand and bit the flesh between the thumb and index finger。 Her sobs became a grunting sound； full of terrible desperate effort。 She took my head in her hands； gently and yet fiercely； and rocked it to and fro on the pillow； an act I could not connect to anything she'd ever done； anything she seemed to be。
Later； after she'd fallen off my body and into a restless sleep； I kept on staring into the dark。 The radio came on。 I threw off the covers and went into the bathroom。 Denise's scenic paperweights sat on a dusty shelf by the door。 I ran water over my hands and wrists。 I splashed cold water on my face。 The only towel around was a small pink handcloth with a tic…tac…toe design。 I dried myself slowly and carefully。 Then I tilted the radiator cover away from the wall and stuck my hand underneath。 The bottle of Dylar was gone。
27
I had my second medical checkup since the toxic event。 No startling numbers on the printout。 This death was still too deep to be glimpsed。 My doctor； Sundar Chakravarty； asked me about the sudden flurry of checkups。 In the past I'd always been afraid to know。
1 told him I was still afraid。 He smiled broadly； waiting for the punch line。 I shook his hand and headed out the door。
On the way home I drove down Elm intending to make a quick stop at the supermarket。 The street was full of emergency vehicles。 Farther down I saw bodies scattered about。 A man with an armband blew a。 whistle at me and stepped in front of my car。 I glimpsed other men in Mylex suits。 Stretcher…bearers ran across the street。 When the man with the whistle drew closer； I was able to make out the letters on his armband： SIMUVAC。
〃Back it out；〃 he said。 〃Street's closed。〃
〃Are you people sure you're ready for a simulation？ You may want to wait for one more massive spill。 Get your timing down。〃
〃Move it out； get it out。 You're in the exposure swath。〃
〃What's that mean？〃
〃It means you're dead；〃 he told me。
I backed out of the street and parked the car。 Then I walked slowly back down Elm； trying to look as though I belonged。 I kept close to storefronts； mingled with technicians and marshals； with uniformed personnel。 There were buses； police cars； ambulettes。 People with electronic equipment appeared to be trying to detect radiation or toxic fallout。 In time I approached the volunteer victims。 There were twenty or so； prone； supine； draped over curbstones； sitting in the street with woozy looks。
I was startled to see my daughter among them。 She lay in the middle of the street； on her back； one arm flung out； her head tilted the other way。 I could hardly bear to look。 Is this how she thinks of herself at the age of nine—already a victim； trying to polish her skills？ How natural she looked； how deeply imbued with the idea of a sweeping disaster。 Is this the future she envisions？
I walked over there and squatted down。
〃Steffie？ Is that you？〃
She opened her eyes。
〃You're not supposed to be here unless you're a victim；〃 she said。
〃I just want to be sure you're okay。〃
〃I'll get in trouble if they see you。〃
〃It's cold。 You'll get sick。 Does Baba know you're here？〃
〃I signed up in school an hour ago。〃
〃They at least should hand out blankets；〃 I said。
She closed her eyes。 I spoke to her a while longer but she wouldn't answer。 There was no trace of irritation or dismissal in her silence。 Just conscientiousness。 She had a history of being devout in her victimhood。
I went back to the sidewalk。 A man's amplified voice boomed across the street from somewhere inside the supermarket。
〃I want to wele all of you on behalf of Advanced Disaster Management； a private consulting firm that conceives and operates simulated evacuations。 We are interfacing with twenty…two state bodies in carrying out this advanced disaster drill。 The first； I trust； of many。 The more we rehearse disaster； the safer we'll be from the real thing。 Life seems to work that way； doesn't it？ You take your umbrella to the office seventeen straight days； not a drop of rain。 The first day you leave it at home； record…breaking downpour。 Never fails； does it？ This is the mechanism we hope to employ； among others。 O…right； on to business。 When the siren sounds three long blasts； thousands of hand…picked evacuees will leave their homes and places of employment； get into their vehicles and head for well…equipped emergency shelters。 Traffic directors will race to their puterized stations。 Updated instructions will be issued on the SIMUVAC broadcast system。 Air…sampling peop