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that the tun of Heidelberg has an attack of apoplexy； and that I am one of the dozen leeches which will be applied to it。
I want a drink。
I desire to forget life。 Life is a hideous invention of I know not whom。
It lasts no time at all； and is worth nothing。
One breaks one's neck in living。 Life is a theatre set in which there are but few practicable entrances。 Happiness is an antique reliquary painted on one side only。 Ecclesiastes says：
‘All is vanity。'
I agree with that good man； who never existed； perhaps。
Zero not wishing to go stark naked； clothed himself in vanity。
O vanity！
The patching up of everything with big words！ a kitchen is a laboratory； a dancer is a professor； an acrobat is a gymnast； a boxer is a pugilist； an apothecary is a chemist； a wigmaker is an artist； a hodman is an architect； a jockey is a sportsman； a wood…louse is a pterigybranche。
Vanity has a right and a wrong side； the right side is stupid； it is the negro with his glass beads； the wrong side is foolish； it is the philosopher with his rags。
I weep over the one and I laugh over the other。 What are called honors and dignities； and even dignity and honor； are generally of pinchbeck。
Kings make playthings of human pride。 Caligula made a horse a consul； Charles II。
made a knight of a sirloin。
Wrap yourself up now； then； between Consul Incitatus and Baronet Roastbeef。
As for the intrinsic value of people； it is no longer respectable in the least。
Listen to the panegyric which neighbor makes of neighbor。
White on white is ferocious； if the lily could speak； what a setting down it would give the dove！ A bigoted woman prating of a devout woman is more venomous than the asp and the cobra。
It is a shame that I am ignorant； otherwise I would quote to you a mass of things； but I know nothing。 For instance； I have always been witty； when I was a pupil of Gros； instead of daubing wretched little pictures； I passed my time in pilfering apples； rapin＇24＇ is the masculine of rapine。
So much for myself； as for the rest of you； you are worth no more than I am。 I scoff at your perfections； excellencies； and qualities。 Every good quality tends towards a defect； economy borders on avarice； the generous man is next door to the prodigal； the brave man rubs elbows with the braggart； he who says very pious says a trifle bigoted； there are just as many vices in virtue as there are holes in Diogenes' cloak。
Whom do you admire； the slain or the slayer； Caesar or Brutus？
Generally men are in favor of the slayer。 Long live Brutus； he has slain！
There lies the virtue。
Virtue； granted； but madness also。
There are queer spots on those great men。 The Brutus who killed Caesar was in love with the statue of a little boy。 This statue was from the hand of the Greek sculptor Strongylion； who also carved that figure of an Amazon known as the Beautiful Leg； Eucnemos； which Nero carried with him in his travels。
This Strongylion left but two statues which placed Nero and Brutus in accord。 Brutus was in love with the one； Nero with the other。
All history is nothing but wearisome repetition。
One century is the plagiarist of the other。
The battle of Marengo copies the battle of Pydna； the Tolbiac of Clovis and the Austerlitz of Napoleon are as like each other as two drops of water。
I don't attach much importance to victory。 Nothing is so stupid as to conquer； true glory lies in convincing。 But try to prove something！
If you are content with success； what mediocrity； and with conquering； what wretchedness！
Alas； vanity and cowardice everywhere。
Everything obeys success； even grammar。 Si volet usus； says Horace。
Therefore I disdain the human race。 Shall we descend to the party at all？
Do you wish me to begin admiring the peoples？
What people； if you please？
Shall it be Greece？ The Athenians； those Parisians of days gone by； slew Phocion； as we might say Coligny； and fawned upon tyrants to such an extent that Anacephorus said of Pisistratus：
〃His urine attracts the bees。〃 The most prominent man in Greece for fifty years was that grammarian Philetas； who was so small and so thin that he was obliged to load his shoes with lead in order not to be blown away by the wind。 There stood on the great square in Corinth a statue carved by Silanion and catalogued by Pliny； this statue represented Episthates。 What did Episthates do？
He invented a trip。
That sums up Greece and glory。
Let us pass on to others。
Shall I admire England？ Shall I admire France？
France？
Why？
Because of Paris？
I have just told you my opinion of Athens。
England？
Why？
Because of London？ I hate Carthage。
And then； London； the metropolis of luxury； is the headquarters of wretchedness。
There are a hundred deaths a year of hunger in the parish of Charing…Cross alone。
Such is Albion。 I add； as the climax； that I have seen an Englishwoman dancing in a wreath of roses and blue spectacles。
A fig then for England！ If I do not admire John Bull； shall I admire Brother Jonathan？ I have but little taste for that slave…holding brother。
Take away Time is money； what remains of England？
Take away Cotton is king； what remains of America？
Germany is the lymph； Italy is the bile。 Shall we go into ecstasies over Russia？
Voltaire admired it。
He also admired China。
I admit that Russia has its beauties； among others； a stout despotism； but I pity the despots。
Their health is delicate。 A decapitated Alexis； a poignarded Peter； a strangled Paul； another Paul crushed flat with kicks； divers Ivans strangled； with their throats cut； numerous Nicholases and Basils poisoned； all this indicates that the palace of the Emperors of Russia is in a condition of flagrant insalubrity。
All civilized peoples offer this detail to the admiration of the thinker； war； now； war； civilized war； exhausts and sums up all the forms of ruffianism； from the brigandage of the Trabuceros in the gorges of Mont Jaxa to the marauding of the anche Indians in the Doubtful Pass。 ‘Bah！' you will say to me； ‘but Europe is certainly better than Asia？' I admit that Asia is a farce； but I do not precisely see what you find to laugh at in the Grand Lama； you peoples of the west； who have mingled with your fashions and your elegances all the plicated filth of majesty； from the dirty chemise of Queen Isabella to the chamber…chair of the Dauphin。
Gentlemen of the human race； I tell you； not a bit of it！
It is at Brussels that the most beer is consumed； at Stockholm the most brandy； at Madrid the most chocolate； at Amsterdam the most gin； at London the most wine； at Constantinople the most coffee； at Paris the most absinthe； there are all the useful notions。
Paris carries the day； in short。 In Paris； even the rag…pickers are sybarites； Diogenes would have loved to be a rag…picker of the Place Maubert better than to be a philosopher at the Piraeus。
Learn this in addition； the wineshops of the ragpickers are called bibines； the most celebrated are the Saucepan and The Slaughter…House。 Hence；