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there struggling to restrain myself。 I'm not kidding； I might end up
forcing you。〃
〃You mean you'd hit me and tie me up and rape me from behind？〃
〃Hey； look； I'm serious。〃
〃But I'm so lonely！ I want to be with someone！ I know I'm doing
terrible things to you； making demands and not giving you anything in
return； saying whatever pops into my head； dragging you out of your
room and forcing you to take me everywhere； but you're the only one I
can do stuff like that to！ I've never been able to have my own way
with anybody； not once in the 20 years I've been alive。 My father； my
mother； they never paid the slightest attention to me； and my
boyfriend； well； he's just not that kind of guy。 He gets angry if I try to
have my own way。 So we end up fighting。 You're the only one I can
say these things to。 And now I'm really； really； really tired and I want
to fall asleep listening to someone tell me how much they like me and
how pretty I am and stuff。 That's all I want。 And when I wake up； I'll
be full of energy and I'll never make these kinds of selfish demands
again。 I swear。 I'll be a good girl。〃
〃I hear you； believe me； but there's nothing I can do。〃
〃Oh； please！ Otherwise； I'm going to sit down right here on the ground
and cry my head off all night long。 And I'll sleep with the first guy that
talks to me。〃
That did it。 I called the dorm and asked for Nagasawa。
When he got to the phone I asked him if he would make it look as if I
had e back for the evening。 I was with a girl； I explained。
〃Fine；〃 he said。 〃It's a worthy cause； I'll be glad to help you out。 I'll
just turn over your name tag to the 〃in' side。 Don't worry。 Take all the
time you need。 You can e in through my window in the morning。〃
〃Thanks。 I owe you one；〃 I said and hung up。 〃All set？〃 Midori asked。
〃Pretty much；〃 I said with a sigh。 〃Great； let's go to a disco； it's so
early。〃 〃Wait a minute； I thought you were tired。〃 〃For something like
this； I'm just fine。〃 〃Oh boy。〃
And she was right。 We went to a disco； and her energy came back
little by little as we danced。 She drank two whisky and cokes； and
stayed on the dance floor until her forehead was drenched in sweat。
〃This is so much fun！〃 she exclaimed when we took a break at a table。
〃I haven't danced like this in ages。 I don't know； when you move your
body； it's kind of like your spirit gets liberated。〃
〃Your spirit is always liberated； I'd say。〃
〃No way；〃 she said； shaking her head and smiling。 〃Anyway； now that
I'm feeling better； I'm starved！ Let's go for a pizza。〃
I took her to a pizzeria I knew and ordered draught beer and an
anchovy pizza。 I wasn't very hungry and ate only four of the twelve
slices。 Midori finished the rest。
〃You sure made a fast recovery；〃 I said。 〃Not too long ago you were
pale and wobbly。〃
〃It's because my selfish demands got through to somebody；；； she
answered。 〃It unclogged me。 Wow； this pizza is great！'；
〃Tell me； though。 Is there really nobody at home？〃
〃It's true。 My sister's staying at her friend's place。 Now； that girl's got
a real case of the creeps。 She can't sleep alone in the house if I'm not
there。〃
〃Let's forget this love hotel crap； then。 Going to a place like that just
makes you feel cheap。 Let's go to your house。 You must have enough
bedding for me？〃
Midori thought about it for a minute； then nodded。 〃OK； we'll spend
the night at mine。〃
We took the Yamanote Line to Otsuka； and soon we were raising the
metal shutter that sealed off the front of the Kobayashi Bookshop。 A
paper sign on the shutter read TEMPORARILY CLOSED。 The smell
of old paper filled the dark shop； as if the shutter had not been opened
for a long time。 Half the shelves were empty； and most of the
magazines had been tied in bundles for returns。 That hollow； chilly
feeling I had experienced on my first visit had only deepened。 The
place looked like a hulk abandoned on the shore。
〃You're not planning to open shop again？〃 I asked。
〃Nah； we're going to sell it；〃 said Midori。 〃We'll divide the money and
live on our own for a while without anybody's 〃protection'。 My sister's
getting married next year； and I've got three more years at university。
We ought to make enough to see us through that much at least。 I'll
keep my part…time job； too。 Once the place is sold； I'll live with my
sister in a flat for a while。〃
〃You think somebody'll want to buy it？
〃Probably。 I know somebody who wants to open a wool shop； She's
been asking me recently if I want to sell。 Poor Dad； though。 He
worked so hard to get this place； and he was paying off the loan he
took out little by little； and in the end he hardly had anything left。 It all
melted away； like foam on a river。〃
〃He had you； though；〃 I said。
〃Me？！〃 Midori said with a laugh。 She took a deep breath and let it out。
〃Let's go upstairs。 It's cold down here。〃
Upstairs； she sat me at the kitchen table and went to warm the bath
water。 While she busied herself with that； I put a kettle on to boil and
made tea。 Waiting for the tank to heat up； we sat across from each
other at the kitchen table and drank tea。 Chin in hand； she took a long；
hard look at me。 There were no sounds other than the ticking of the
clock and the hum of the fridge motor turning on and off as the
thermostat kicked in and out。 The clock showed that midnight was fast
approaching。
〃You know； Watanabe； study it hard enough； and you've got a pretty
interesting face。〃
〃Think so？〃 I asked； a bit hurt。
〃A nice face goes a long way with me；〃 she said。 〃And yours 。。。 well；
the more I look at it； the more I get to thinking； 〃He'll do'。〃
〃Me； too；〃 I said。 〃Every once in a while； I think about myself； 〃What
the hell； I'll do'。〃
〃Hey； I don't mean that in a bad way。 I'm not very good at putting my
feelings into words。 That's why people misunderstand me。 All I'm
trying to say is I like you。 Have I told you that before？〃
〃You have；〃 I said。
〃I mean； I'm not the only one who has trouble working out what men
are all about。 But I'm getting there； a little at a time。〃
Midori brought over a box of Marlboro and lit one up。 〃When you
start at zero； you've got a lot to learn。〃 〃I wouldn't be surprised。〃
〃Oh； I almost forgot！ You want to burn a stick of incense for my
father？〃
I followed Midori to the room with the Buddhist altar； lit a stick of
incense in front of her father's photo； and brought my hands together。
〃Know what I did the other day？〃 Midori asked。 〃I got all naked in
front of my father's picture。 Took off every stitch of clothing and let
him have a good； long look。 Kind of in a yoga position。 Like； 〃Here；
Daddy； these are my tits； and this is my cunt'。〃
〃Why in the hell would you do something like that？〃 I asked。
〃I don't know； I just wanted to show him。 I mean； half of me es
from his sperm； right？ Why shouldn't I show him？ 〃Here's the
daughter you made。' I was a little drunk at the time。 I suppose that had
something to do with it。〃
〃I suppose。〃
〃My sister walked in and almost fell over。 There I was in front of my
father's memorial portrait all naked with my legs spread。 I guess you
would be kind