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〃Didn't the girls mind？〃
〃No； they were drunk too。〃
〃Anyway； I had a good reason for doing it；〃 said Nagasawa。
〃A good reason？〃
〃Well； the girls were too different。 One was really goodlooking； but
the other one was a dog。 It seemed unfair to me。 I got the pretty girl；
but Watanabe got stuck with the other one。 That's why we swapped。
Right； Watanabe？〃
〃Yeah； I s'pose so；〃 I said。 But in fact； I had liked the not…pretty one。
She was fun to talk to and a nice person。 After we had sex； we were
enjoying talking to each other in bed when Nagasawa showed up and
suggested we change partners。 I asked the girl if she minded； and she
said it was OK with her if that's what we wanted。 She probably
thought I wanted to do it with the pretty one。
〃Was it fun？〃 Hatsumi asked me。
〃Swapping； you mean？〃
〃The whole thing。〃
〃Not especially。 It's just something you do。 Sleeping with girls that
way is not all that much fun。〃
〃So why do you do it？〃
〃Because of me；〃 said Nagasawa。
〃I'm asking Toru；〃 Hatsumi shot back at Nagasawa。 〃Why do you do
something like that？〃
〃Because sometimes I have this tremendous desire to sleep with a
girl。〃
〃If you're in love with someone； can't you manage one way or another
with her？〃 Hatsumi asked after a few moments' thought。
〃It's plicated。〃
Hatsumi sighed。
At that point the door opened and the food was carried in。 Nagasawa
was presented with his roast duck； and Hatsumi and I received our sea
bass。 The waiters heaped freshcooked vegetables on our plates and
dribbled sauce on them before withdrawing and leaving the three of us
alone again。 Nagasawa cut a slice of duck and ate it with gusto；
followed by more whisky。 I took a forkful of spinach。 Hatsumi didn't
touch her food。
〃You know； Toru；〃 she said； 〃I have no idea what makes your
situation so 〃plicated'； but I do think that the kind of thing you just
told me about is not right for you。 You're not that kind of person。
What do you think？〃 She placed her hands on the table and looked me
in the eye。
〃Well；〃 I said； 〃I've felt that way myself sometimes。〃
〃So why don't you stop？〃
〃Because sometimes I have a need for human warmth；〃 I answered
honestly。 〃Sometimes； if I can't feel something like the warmth of a
woman's skin； I get so lonely I can't stand it。〃
〃Here； let me summarize what I think it's all about；〃 inter jected
Nagasawa。 〃Watanabe's got this girl he likes； but for certain
plicated reasons； they can't do it。 So he tells himself 〃Sex is just
sex'； and he takes care of his need with somebody else。 What's wrong
with that？ It makes perfect sense。 He can't just stay locked in his room
tossing off all the time； can he？〃
〃But if you really love her； Toru； shouldn't it be possible for you to
control yourself？〃
〃Maybe so；〃 I said； bringing a piece of sea bass in cream sauce to my
mouth。
〃You just don't understand a man's sexual needs；〃 said Nagasawa to
Hatsumi。 〃Look at me； for example。 I've been with you for three years；
and I've slept with plenty of women in that time。 But I don't remember
a thing about them。 I don't know their names； I don't remember their
faces。 I slept with each of them exactly once。 Meet 'em； do it； so long。
That's it。 What's wrong with that？〃
〃What I can't stand is that arrogance of yours；〃 said Hatsumi in a soft
voice。 〃Whether you sleep with other women or not is beside the
point。 I've never really been angry with you for sleeping around； have
I？〃
〃You can't even call what I do sleeping around。 It's just a game。
Nobody gets hurt；〃 said Nagasawa。
〃I get hurt；〃 said Hatsumi。 〃Why am I not enough for you？〃
Nagasawa kept silent for a moment and swirled the whisky in his
glass。 〃It's not that you're not enough for me。 That's another phase；
another question。 It's just a hunger I have inside me。 If I've hurt you；
I'm sorry。 But it's not a question of whether or not you're enough for
me。 I can only live with that hunger。 That's the kind of man I am。
That's what makes me me。 There's nothing I can do about it； don't you
see？〃
At last Hatsumi picked up her silverware and started eating her fish。
〃At least you shouldn't drag Toru into your 〃games'。〃
〃We're a lot alike； though； Watanabe and me；〃 said Nagasawa。
〃Neither of us is interested； essentially； in anything but ourselves。 OK；
so I'm arrogant and he's not； but neither of us is able to feel any
interest in anything other than what we ourselves think or feel or do。
That's why we can think about things in a way that's totally divorced
from anybody else。 That's what I like about him。 The only difference
is that he hasn't realized this about himself； and so he hesitates and
feels hurt。〃
〃What human being doesn't hesitate and feel hurt？〃 Hatsumi
demanded。 〃Are you trying to say that you have never felt those
things？〃
〃Of course I have； but I've disciplined myself to where I can minimize
them。 Even a rat will choose the least painful route if you shock him
enough。〃
〃But rats don't fall in love。〃
〃〃Rats don't fall in love'。〃 Nagasawa looked at me。 〃That's great。 We
should have background music for this … a full orchestra with two
harps and … 〃
〃Don't make fun of me。 I'm serious。〃
…We're eating；〃 said Nagasawa。 〃And Watanabe's here。 It ；night be
more civil for us to confine 'serious' talk to another occasion。〃
〃I can leave；〃 I said。
〃No；〃 said Hatsumi。 〃Please stay。 It's better with you here。〃
〃At least have dessert；〃 said Nagasawa。
〃I don't mind； really。〃
The three of us went on eating in silence for a time。 I finished my fish。
Hatsumi left half of hers。 Nagasawa had polished off his duck long
before and was now concentrating on his whisky。
〃That was excellent sea bass；〃 I offered； but no one took me up on it。 I
might as well have thrown a rock down a deep well。
The waiters took away our plates and brought lemon sherbet and
espresso。 Nagasawa barely touched his dessert and coffee； moving
directly to a cigarette。 Hatsumi ignored her sherbet。 〃Oh boy；〃 I
thought to myself as I finished my sherbet and coffee。 Hatsumi stared
at her hands on the table。 Like everything she wore； her hands looked
chic and elegant and expensive。 I thought about Naoko and Reiko。
What would they be doing now？ I wondered。 Naoko could be lying on
the sofa reading a book； and Reiko might be playing 〃Norwegian
Wood〃 on her guitar。 I felt an intense desire to go back to that little
room of theirs。 What the hell was I doing in this place？
〃Where Watanabe and I are alike is； we don't give a shit if nobody
understands us；〃 Nagasawa said。 〃That's what makes us different from
everybody else。 They're all worried about whether the people around
them understand them。 But not me； and not Watanabe。 We just don't
give a shit。 Self and others are separate。〃
〃Is this true？〃 Hatsumi asked me。
〃No；〃 I said。 〃I'm not that strong。 I don't feel it's OK if nobody
understands me。 I've got people I want to understand and be
understood by。 But aside from those few； well； I feel it's kind of
hopeless。 I don't agree with Nagasawa。 I do care if people understand
me。〃
〃That's practically the same thing as what I'm