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all。 You're married to me。 And you're a mother。 There's no way you're
a lesbian。 What a joke！'
〃But I wouldn't let him go。 All he could do was make things worse。 I
knew。 I knew she was sick。 I had seen hundreds of sick people； so I
knew。 The girl was rotten inside。 Peel off a layer of that beautiful skin；
and you'd find nothing but rotten flesh。 I know it's a terrible thing to
say； but it's true。 And I knew that ordinary people could never know
the truth about her； that there was no way we could win。 She was an
expert at manipulating the emotions of the adults around her； and we
had nothing to prove our case。 First of all； who's going to believe that
a 13…year…old girl set a homosexual trap for a woman in her thirties？
No matter what we said； people would believe what they wanted to
believe。 The more we struggled； the more vulnerable we'd be。
〃There was only one thing for us to do； I said： we had to move。 If I
stayed in that neighbourhood any longer； the stress would get to me；
my mind would snap again。 It was happening already。 We had to get
out of there； go somewhere far away where nobody knew me。 My
husband wasn't ready to go； though。 It hadn't dawned on him yet how
critical I was。 And the timing was terrible： he loved his work； and he
had finally succeeded in getting us settled in our own house （we lived
in a little prefab）； and our daughter was fortable in her
kindergarten。 〃Wait a minute；' he said； 〃we can't just up sticks and go。
I can't find a job just like that。 We'd have to sell the house； and we'd
have to find another kindergarten。 It'll take two months at least。〃
〃I can't wait two months；？I told him。 〃This is going to finish me off
once and for all。 I'm not kidding。 Believe me； I know what I'm talking
about。' The symptoms were starting already： my ears were ringing；
and I was hearing things； and I couldn't sleep。 So he suggested that I
leave first； go somewhere by myself； and he would follow after he had
taken care of what had to be done。
〃〃No；' I said； 〃I don't want to go alone。 I'll fall apart if I don't have
you。 I need you。 Please； don't leave me alone。' He held me and pleaded
with me to hang on a little longer。 Just a month； he said。 He would
take care of everything … leave his job； sell the h ouse； make
arrangements for kindergarten； find a new job。 There might be a
position he could take in Australia； he said。 He just wanted me to wait
one month； and everything would be OK。 What could I say to that？ If
I tried to object； it would only isolate me even more。〃
Reiko sighed and looked at the ceiling light。
〃I couldn't hold on for a month； though。 One day； it happened again：
snap！ And this time it was really bad。 I took sleeping pills and turned
on the gas。 I woke up in a hospital bed； and it was all over。 It took a
few months before I had calmed down enough to think； and then I
asked my husband for a divorce。 I told him it would be the best thing
for him and for our daughter。 He said he had no intention of divorcing
me。 〃We can make a new start；' he said。 〃We can go somewhere new；
just the three of us； and begin all over again。' 〃It's too late；' I told him。
〃Everything ended when you asked me to wait a month。 If you really
wanted to start again； you shouldn't have said that to me。 Now； no
matter where we go； no matter how far away we move； the same thing
will happen all over again。 And I'll ask you for the same thing； and
make you suffer。 I don't want to do that any more。'
〃And so we divorced。 Or I should say I divorced him。 He married
again two years ago； though。 I'm still glad I made him leave me。
Really。 I knew I'd be like this for the rest of my life； and I didn't want
to drag anyone down with me。 I didn't want to force anyone to live in
constant fear that I might lose my mind at any moment。
〃He had been wonderful to me： an ideal husband； faithful； strong and
patient； someone I could put my plete trust in。 He had done
everything he could to heal me； and I had done everything I could to
be healed； both for his sake and for our daughter's。 And I had believed
in my recovery。 I was happy for six years from the time we were
married。 He got me 99 per cent of the way there； but the other one per
cent went crazy。 Snap！ Everything we had built up came crashing
down。 In one split second； everything turned nto nothing。 And that i
girl was the one who did it。〃
Reiko collected the cigarette butts she had crushed underfoot and
tossed them into the tin can。
〃It's a terrible story。 We worked so hard； so hard； building our world
one brick at a time。 And when it fell apart； it happened just like that。
Everything was gone before you knew it。〃
She stood up and thrust her hands in her pockets。 〃Let's go back。 It's
late。〃
The sky was darker； the cloud cover thicker than before； the moon
invisible。 Now； I realized； like Reiko I could smell the rain。 And with
it mixed the fresh smell of the grapes in the bag I was holding。
〃That's why I can't leave this place；〃 she said。 〃I'm afraid to get
involved with the outside world。 I'm afraid to meet new people and
feel new feelings。〃
〃I understand；〃 I said。 〃But I think you can do it。 I think you can go
outside and make it。〃
Reiko smiled； but said nothing。
Naoko was on the sofa with a book。 She had her legs crossed and
pressed her hand against her temple as she read。 Her fingers almost
seemed to be touching and testing each word that entered her head。
Scattered drops of rain were beginning to tap on the roof。 The
lamplight enveloped her； hovering around her like fine dust。 After my
long talk with Reiko； Naoko's youthfulness struck me in a new way。
〃Sorry we're so late；〃 said Reiko； patting Naoko's head。
〃Enjoy yourselves？〃 asked Naoko； looking up。
〃Of course；〃 said Reiko。
〃Doing what？〃 Naoko asked me； … just the two of you。〃
〃Not at liberty to say； Miss；〃 I answered。
Naoko chuckled and set down her book。 Then the three of us ate
grapes to the sound of the rain。
〃When it's raining like this；〃 said Naoko； 〃it feels as if we're the only
ones in the world。 I wish it would just keep raining so the three of us
could stay together。〃
〃Oh； sure；〃 said Reiko； 〃and while the two of you are going at it； I'm
supposed to be fanning you or playing background music on my guitar
like some dumb geisha？ No； thanks！〃
〃Oh； I'd let you have him once in a while；〃 said Naoko； laughing。
〃OK； then； count me in；〃 said Reiko。 〃e on； rain； pour down！〃
The rain did pour down； and kept pouring。 Thunder shook the place
from time to time。 When we had finished the grapes； Reiko went back
to her cigarettes and pulled out the guitar from under her bed and
started to play … first； 〃Desafinado〃 and 〃The Girl from Ipanema〃； then
some Bacharach and a few Lennon and McCartney songs。 Reiko and I
sipped wine again； and when that was gone we shared the brandy that
was left in my flask。 A warm； intimate mood took hold as the three of
us talked into the night； and I began to wish； with Naoko； that the rain
would keep on falling。
〃Will you e to see me again？〃 she asked； looking at me。
〃Of course I will；〃 I said。
〃And