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afternoon deepened； twilight approached； and bluish shadows
enveloped the garden。 Seagull disappeared； but I went on staring at the
cherry blossoms。 In the spring gloom； they looked like flesh that had
burst through the skin over festering wounds。 The garden filled up
with the sweet； heavy stench of rotting flesh。 And that's when I
thought of Naoko's flesh。 Naoko's beautiful flesh lay before me in the
darkness； countless buds bursting through her skin； green and
trembling in an almost imperceptible breeze。 Why did such a beautiful
body have to be so ill？ I wondered。 Why didn't they just leave Naoko
alone？
I went inside and drew my curtains； but even indoors there was no
escape from the smell of spring。 It filled everything from the ground
up。 But the only thing the smell of spring brought to mind for me now
was that putrefying stench。 Shut in behind my curtains； I felt a violent
loathing for spring。 I hated what the spring had in store for me； I hated
the dull； throbbing ache it aroused inside me。 I had never hated
anything in my life with such intensity。
I spent three full days after that all but walking on the bottom of the
sea。 I could hardly hear what people said to me； and they had just as
much trouble catching anything I had to say。 My whole body felt
enveloped in some kind of membrane； cutting off any direct contact
between me and the outside world。 I couldn't touch 〃them〃； and 〃they〃
couldn't touch me。 I was utterly helpless； and as long as I remained in
that state； 〃they〃 were unable to reach out to me。
I sat leaning against the wall； staring up at the ceiling。 When I felt
hungry I would nibble anything within reach； drink some water； and
when the sadness of it got to me； I'd knock myself out with whisky。 I
didn't bathe； I didn't shave。 This is how the three days went by。
A letter came from Midori on 6 April。 She invited me to meet her on
campus and have lunch on the tenth when we had to enroll for
lectures。 I put off writing to you as long as I could； which makes us
even； so let's make up。 I have to admit it； I miss you。
I read the letter again and again； four times all together； and still I
couldn't tell what she was trying to say to me。 What could it possibly
mean？ My brain was so fogged over； I couldn't find the connection
from one sentence to the next。 How would meeting her on enrolment
day make us 〃even〃？ Why did she want to have 〃lunch〃 with me？ I
was really losing it。 My mind had gone slack； like the soggy roots of a
subterranean plant。 But somehow I knew I had to snap out of it。 And
then those words of Nagasawa's came to mind： 〃Don't feel sorry for
yourself。 Only arseholes do that。〃
〃OK； Nagasawa。 Right on；〃 I heard myself thinking。 I let out a sigh
and got to my feet。
I did my laundry for the first time in weeks； went to the public bath
and shaved； cleaned my place up； shopped for food and cooked myself
a decent meal for a change； fed the starving Seagull； drank only beer；
and did 30 minutes of exercise。 Shaving； I discovered in the mirror
that I was being emaciated。 My eyes were popping。 I could hardly
recognize myself。
I went out the next morning on a longish bike ride； and after finishing
lunch at home； I read Reiko's letter one more time。 Then thought
seriously about what I ought to do next。 The main reason I had taken
Reiko's letter so hard was that it had upset my optimistic belief that
Naoko was getting better。 Naoko herself had told me； 〃My sickness is
a lot worse than you think： it has far deeper roots。〃 And Reiko had
warned me there was no telling what might happen。 Still； I had seen
Naoko twice； and had gained the impression she was on the
mend。 I had assumed that the only problem was whether she could
regain the courage to return to the real world； and that if she managed
to； the two of us could join forces and make
a go of it。
Reiko's letter smashed the illusory castle that I had built on that fragile
hypothesis； leaving only a flattened surface devoid of feeling。 I would
have to do something to regain my footing。 It would probably take a
long time for Naoko to recover。 And even then； she would no doubt be
more debilitated and would have lost even more of her self confidence
than ever。 I would have to adapt myself to this new situation。 As
strong as I might bee； though； it would not solve all the problems。
I knew that much。 But there was nothing else I could do： just keep my
own spirits up and wait for her to recover。
Hey； there； Kizuki； I thought。 Unlike you； I've chosen to live … and to
live the best I know how。 Sure； it was hard for you。 What the hell； it's
hard for me。 Really hard。 And all because you killed yourself and left
Naoko behind。 But that's something I will never do。 I will never； ever；
turn my back on her。 First of all； because I love her； and because I'm
stronger than she is。 And I'm just going to keep on getting stronger。
I'm going to mature。 I'm going to be an adult。 Because that's what I
have to do。 I always used to think I'd like to stay 17 or 18 if I could。
But not any more。 I'm not a teenager any more。 I've got a sense of
responsibility now。 I'm not the same person I was when we used to
hang out together。 I'm 20 now。 And I have to pay the price to go on
living。
〃Shit； Watanabe； what happened to you？〃 Midori asked。 〃You're all
skin and bones！〃
〃That bad； huh？〃
〃Too much you…know…what with that married girlfriend of yours； I
bet。〃
I smiled and shook my head。 〃I haven't slept with a girl since the
beginning of October。〃
〃Whew！ That can't be true。 We're talking six months here！〃 〃You
heard me。〃
〃So how did you lose so much weight？〃 〃By growing up；〃 I said。
Midori put her hands on my shoulders and looked me in the eye with a
twisted scowl that soon turned into a sweet smile。 〃It's true；〃 she said。
〃Something's kind of different。 You've changed。〃
〃I told you； I grew up。 I'm an adult now。〃
〃You're fantastic； the way your brain works；〃 she said as though
genuinely impressed。 〃Let's eat。 I'm starving。〃
We went to a little restaurant behind the literature department。 I
ordered the lunch special and she did the same。 〃Hey； Watanabe； are
you mad at me？〃 〃What for？〃
〃For not answering you； just to get even。 Do you think I shouldn't
have done that？ I mean； you apologized and everything。〃
〃Yeah； but it was my fault to begin with。 That's just how it goes。〃
〃My sister says I shouldn't have done it。 That it was too unforgiving；
too childish。〃
〃Yeah； but it made you feel better； didn't it； getting even like that？〃
〃Uh…huh。〃
〃OK； then； that's that。〃
〃You are forgiving； aren't you？〃 Midori said。 〃But tell me the truth；
Watanabe； you haven't had sex for six months？〃
〃Not once。〃
〃So； that time you put me to bed； you must have really wanted it bad。〃
〃Yeah； I guess I did。〃
〃But you didn't do it； did you？〃
〃Look； you're the best friend I've got now；〃 I said。 〃I don't want to lose
you。〃
〃You know； if you had tried to force yourself on me that time； I
wouldn't have been able to resist； I was so exhausted。〃
〃But I was too big and hard；〃 I said。
Midori smiled and to