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had a time there when I really agonized over the question。 Maybe I
really was a lesbian and just hadn't noticed until then。 But I don't think
so any more。 Which is not to say I don't have the tendencies。 I
probably do have them。 But I'm not a lesbian in the proper sense of the
term。 I never feel desire when I look at a woman。 Know what I
mean？〃
I nodded。
〃Certain kinds of girls； though； do respond to me； and I can feel it
when that happens。 Those are the only times it es out in me。 I can
hold Naoko in my arms； though； and feel nothing special。 We go
around in the flat practically naked when the weather's hot； and we
take baths together； sometimes even sleep in the same bed； but
nothing happens。 I don't feel a thing。 I can see that she has a beautiful
body； but that's all。 Actually； Naoko and I played a game once。 We
made believe we were lesbians。 Want to hear about it？〃
〃Sure。 Tell me。〃
〃When I told her the story I just told you … we tell each
other everything； you know … Naoko tried an experiment。 The two of
us got undressed and she tried caressing me； but it didn't work at all。 It
just tickled。 I thought I was going to die laughing。 Just thinking about
it makes me itchy。 She was so clumsy！ I'll bet you're glad to hear
that。〃
〃Yes I am； to tell the truth。〃
〃Well； anyway； that's about it；〃 said Reiko； scratching near an
eyebrow with the tip of her little finger。 〃After the girl left my house； I
found a chair and sat there spacing out for a while； wondering what to
do。 I could hear the dull beating of my heart from deep inside my
body。 My arms and legs seemed to weigh a ton； and my mouth felt as
though I'd eaten a moth or something； it was so dry。 But I dragged
myself to the bathroom； knowing my daughter would be back soon。 I
wanted to clean those places where the girl had ouched and licked t
me。 I scrubbed myself with soap； over and over； but I couldn't seem to
get rid of the slimy feeling she had left behind。 I knew I was probably
imagining it； but that didn't help。 That night； I asked my husband to
make love to me； almost as a way to get rid of the defilement。 Of
course； I didn't tell him anything … I couldn't。 All I said to him was that
I wanted him to take it slow； to give it more time than usual。 And he
did。 He concentrated on every little detail； he really took a long； long
time； and the way I came that night； oh yes； it was like nothing I had
ever experienced before； never once in all our married life。 And why
do you think that was？ Because the touch of that girl's fingers was still
there in my body。 That's all it was。
〃Oh； man； is this embarrassing！ Look； I'm sweating！ I can't believe I'm
saying these things … he 〃made love' to me； I 〃came'！〃 Reiko smiled；
her lips curved again。 〃But even this didn't help。 Two days went by；
three； and her touch was still there。 And her last words were echoing
and echoing in my head。
〃She didn't e to my house the following Saturday。 My heart was
pounding all day long while I waited； wondering what I would do if
she showed up。 I couldn't concentrate on anything。 She never did
e； though。 Of course。 She was a proud little thing； and she had
failed with me in the end。 She didn't e the next week； either； nor
the week after that； and soon a month went by。 I decided that I would
be able to forget about what had happened when enough time had
passed； but I couldn't forget。 When I was alone in the house； I would
feel her presence and my nerves would be on edge。 I couldn't play the
piano； I couldn't think； I couldn't do anything during that first month。
And then one day I realized that something was wrong whenever I left
the house。 The neighbours were looking at me in a strange way。 There
was a new distance in their eyes。 They were as polite as ever with
their greetings； but there was something different in their tone of voice
and in their behaviour towards me。 The woman next door； who used to
pay me an occasional visit； seemed to be avoiding me。 I tried not to let
these things bother me； though。 Start noticing things like that； and
you've got the first signs of illness。
〃Then one day I had a visit from another housewife I was on friendly
terms with。 We were the same age； and she was the daughter of a
friend of my mother's； and her child went to the same kindergarten as
mine； so we were fairly close。 She just showed up one day and asked
me if I knew about a terrible rumour that was going around about me。
〃What kind of rumour？' I asked。 〃I almost can't say it； it's so awful；'
she said。 〃Well； you've got this far； you have to tell me the rest。'
〃Still she resisted telling me； but I finally got it all out of her。 I mean；
her whole purpose in ing to see me was to tell me what she had
heard； so of course she was going to spit it out eventually。 According
to her； people were saying that I was a card…carrying lesbian and had
been in and out of mental hospitals for it。 They said that I had stripped
the clothes off my piano pupil and tried to do things to her and when
she had resisted I had slapped her so hard her face swelled up。 They
had turned the story on its head； of course； which was bad enough； but
what really shocked me was that people knew I had been hospitalized。
〃My friend said she was telling everyone that she had known me for
ever and that I was not like that； but the girl's parents believed her
version and were spreading it around the neighbourhood。 In addition；
they had investigated my background and found that I had a history of
mental problems。
〃The way my friend heard it； the girl had e home from her lesson
one day … that day； of course … with her face all bloated； her lip split
and bloody； buttons missing from her blouse； and even her underwear
torn。 Can you believe it？ She had done all this to back up her story； of
course； which her mother had to drag out of her。 I can just see her
doing it … putting blood on her blouse； tearing buttons off； ripping the
lace on her bra； making herself cry until her eyes were red； messing up
her hair； telling her mother a pack of lies。
〃Not that I'm blaming people for believing her。 I would have believed
her； too； this beautiful doll with a devil's tongue。 She es home
crying； she refuses to talk because it's too embarrassing； but then she
spills it out。 Of course people are going to believe her。 And to make
matters worse； it's true； I do have a history of hospitalization for
mental problems； I did hit her in the face as hard as I could。 Who's
going to believe me？ Probably just my husband。
A few more days went by while I wrestled with the
question of whether to tell him or not； but when I did； he believed me。
Of course。 I told him everything that had happened that day … the kind
of lesbian things she did to me； the way I slapped her in the face。 Of
course； I didn't tell him what I had felt。 I couldn't have told him that。
So anyway； he was furious and insisted that he was going to go
straight to the girl's family。 He said； 〃You're a married woman； after
all。 You're married to me。 And you're a mother。 There's no way you're
a lesbian。 What a joke！'