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truth。 What's bothering you？' S o she says； 〃I just get like this
sometimes。 I don't know what to do。 I'm so lonely and sad； and I can't
talk to anybody； and nobody cares about me。 And it hurts so much； I
just get like this。 I can't sleep at night； and I don't feel like eating； and
ing here for my lesson is the only thing I have to look forward to。'
So I say； 〃You can talk to me。 Tell me why this happens to you。'
Things are not going well at home； she says。 She can't love her
parents； and they don't love her。 Her father is seeing another woman
and is hardly ever around； and that makes her mother half crazy and
she takes it out on the girl； she beats her almost every day and she
hates to go home。 So now the girl is really wailing； and her eyes are
full of tears； those beautiful eyes of hers。 The sight is enough to make
a god weep。 So I tell her； if it's so terrible to go home； she can e to
my place any time she likes。 When she hears that； the girl throws her
arms around me and says； 〃Oh； I'm so sorry； but if I didn't have you I
wouldn't know what to do。 Please don't turn your back on me。 If you
did that； I'd have nowhere to go。'
〃So； I don't know； I hold her head against me and I'm caressing her
and saying 〃There there；' and she's got her arms around me and she's
stroking my back； and soon I'm starting to feel very strange； my whole
body is kind of hot。 I mean； here's this picture…perfect beautiful girl
and I'm on the bed with her； and we're hugging； and her hands are
caressing my back in this incredibly sensual way that my own
husband couldn't even begin to match； and I feel all the screws ing
loose in my body every time she touches me； and before I know it she
has my blouse and bra off and she's stroking my breasts。 So that's
when it finally hits me that she's an absolute dyed…in…the…wool lesbian。
This had happened to me once before； at school； one of the sixth…form
girls。 So then I tell her to stop。
〃〃Oh； please；' she says； 〃just a little more。 I'm so lonely； I'm so lonely；
please believe me； you're the only one I have； oh please； don't turn
your back on me；' and she takes my hand and puts it on her breast …
her very nicely shaped breast； and； sure； I'm a woman； but this electric
something goes through me when my hand makes contact。 I have no
idea what to do。 I just keep repeating no no no no no； like an idiot。 It's
as if I'm Paralyzed； I can't move。 I had managed to push the girl
away at school； but now I can't do a thing。 My body won't take orders。
She's holding my right hand against her with her left hand； and she's
kissing and licking my nipples； and her right hand is caressing my
back； my side； my bottom。 So here I am in the bedroom with the
curtains closed and a 13…year…old girl has me practically naked … she's
been taking my clothes off somehow all along … and touching me all
over and I'm writhing with the pleasure of it。 Looking back on it now；
it seems incredible。 I mean； it's insane； don't you think？ But at the time
it was as if she had cast a spell on me。〃
Reiko paused to puff at her cigarette。
〃You know； this is the first time I've ever told a man about it；〃 she
said； looking at me。 〃I'm telling it to you because I think I ought to；
but I'm finding it really embarrassing。〃
〃I'm sorry；〃 I said； because I didn't know what else to say。
〃This went on for a while； and then her right hand started to move
down； and she touched me through my panties。 By then； I was
absolutely soaking wet。 I'm ashamed to say it； but I've never been so
wet before or since。 I had always thought of myself as sort of
indifferent to sex； so I was astounded to be getting so worked up。 So
then she puts these slim； soft fingers of hers inside my panties； and 。。。
well； you know； I can't bring myself to put it into words。 I mean； it
was totally different from when a man puts his clumsy hands on you
there。 It was amazing。 Really。 Like feathers or down。 I thought all the
fuses in my head were going to pop。 Still； somewhere in my fogged…
over brain； the thought occurred to me that I had to put a stop to this。
If I let it happen once； I'd never stop； and if I had to carry around a
secret like that inside me； my head was going to get pletely
messed up again。 I thought about my daughter； too。 What if she saw
me like this？ She was supposed to be at my parents' house until three
on
Saturdays； but what if something happened and she came home
unexpectedly？ This helped me to gather my strength and raise myself
on the bed。 〃Stop it now； please stop！' I shouted。
〃But she wouldn't stop。 Instead； she yanked my panties down and
started using her tongue。 I had rarely let even my husband do that； I
found it so embarrassing； but now I had a 13…year…old girl licking me
all over down there。 I just gave up。 All I could do was cry。 And it was
absolute paradise。
〃〃Stop it！' I yelled one more time and slapped her on the side of the
face as hard as I could。 She finally stopped； raised herself up and
looked into my eyes。 The two of us were stark naked； on our knees； in
bed； staring at each other。 She was 13； I was 31； but； I don't know；
looking at that body of hers； I felt totally overwhelmed。 The image is
still so vivid in my mind。 I could hardly believe I was looking at the
body of a 13…year…old girl； and I still can't believe it。 By parison；
what I had for a body was enough to make you cry。 Believe me。〃
There was nothing I could say； and so I said nothing。
〃〃What's wrong？' she says to me。 〃You like it this way； don't you？ I
knew you would the first time I met you。 I know you like it。 It's much
better than doing it with a man … isn't it？ Look how wet you are。 I can
make you feel even better if you'll let me。 It's true。 I can make you feel
like your body's melting away。 You want me to； don't you？' And she
was right。 She was much better than my husband。 And I did want her
to do it even more！ But I couldn't let it happen。 〃Let's do this once a
week；' she said。 〃Just once a week。 Nobody will find out。 It'll be our
little secret'。〃
〃But I got out of bed and put on my dressing…gown and told her to
leave and never e back。 She just looked at me。 Her eyes were
absolutely flat。 I had never seen them like that
before。 It was as if they were painted on cardboard。 They had no
depth。 After she stared at me for a while； she gathered up her clothes
without a word and； as slowly as she could； as though she were
making a show of it； she put on each item； one at a time。 Then she
went back into the piano room and took a brush from her bag。 She
brushed her hair and wiped the blood from her lips with a
handkerchief； put on her shoes； and left。 As she went out； she said；
〃You're a lesbian； you know。 It's true。 You may try to hide it； but
you'll be a lesbian until the day you die'。〃
〃Is it true？〃 I asked。
Reiko curved her lips and thought for a while。 〃Well； it is and it isn't。 I
definitely felt better with her than with my husband。 That's a fact。 I
had a time there when I really agonized over the question。 Maybe I
really was a lesbian and just hadn't noticed until then。 But I don't think