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〃Tell me；〃 said Naoko； 〃you liked Kizuki； too； didn't you？〃 〃Of
course；〃 I said。
〃How about Reiko？〃
〃I like her a lot；〃 I said。 〃She's really nice。〃
〃How e you always like people like that … people like us； I mean？
We're all kind of weird and twisted and drowning … me and Kizuki and
Reiko。 Why can't you like more normal people？〃
〃Because I don't see you like that；〃 I said after giving it some thought。
〃I don't see you or Kizuki or Reiko as 〃twisted' in any way。 The guys I
think of as twisted are out there running around。〃
〃But we are twisted；〃 said Naoko。 〃I can see that。〃
We walked on in silence。 The road left the fence and came out to a
circular grassy field ringed with trees like a pond。
〃Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night so scared；〃 said
Naoko； pressing up against my arm。 〃I'm scared I'll never get better
again。 I'll always stay twisted like this and grow old and waste away
here。 I get so chilled it's like I'm all frozen inside。 It's horrible 。。。 so
cold。 。。 〃
I put my arm around her and drew her close。
〃I feel like Kizuki is reaching out for me from the darkness；
calling to me； 〃Hey； Naoko； we can't stay apart。' When I hear him
saying that； I don't know what to do。〃 〃What do you do？〃
〃Well 。。。 don't take this the wrong way； now。〃 〃OK； I won't。〃
〃I ask Reiko to hold me。 I wake her up and crawl into her bed and let
her hold me tight。 And I cry。 And she strokes me until the ice melts
and I'm warm again。 Do you think it's sick？〃
〃No。 I wish I could be the one to hold you； though；〃 I said。
〃So hold me。 Now。 Right here。〃
We sat down on the dry grass of the meadow and put our arms around
each other。 The tall grass surrounded us； and we could see nothing but
the sky and clouds above。 I gently lay Naoko down and took her in my
arms。 She was soft and warm and her hands reached out for me。 We
kissed with real feeling。
〃Tell me something； Toru；〃 Naoko whispered in my ear。
〃What's that？〃 I asked。
〃Do you want to sleep with me？〃
〃Of course I do；〃 I said。 〃Can you wait？〃 〃Of course I can。〃
〃Before we do it again； I want to get myself a little better。 I want to
make myself into a person more worthy of that hobby of yours。 Will
you wait for me to do that？〃
〃Of course I'll wait。〃 〃Are you hard now？〃
〃You mean the soles of my feet？〃 〃Silly；〃 Naoko tittered。
〃If you're asking whether I have an erection； of course I do。〃 〃Will
you do me a favour and stop saying 〃Of course'？〃 〃OK； I'll stop。〃
〃Is it difficult？〃 〃What？〃
〃To be all hard like that。〃 〃Difficult？〃
〃I mean； are you suffering？〃
〃Well； it depends how you look at it。〃
〃Want me to help you get rid of it？〃
〃With your hand？〃
〃Uh…huh。 To tell you the truth；〃 said Naoko； 〃it's been sticking into me
ever since we lay down。 It hurts。〃 I pulled my hips away。 〃Better？〃
〃Thanks。〃
〃You know？〃 I said。
〃What？〃
〃I wish you would do it。〃
〃OK；〃 she said with a kind smile。 Then she unzipped my trousers and
took my stiff penis in her hand。 〃It's warm；〃 she said。
She started to move her hand； but I stopped her and unbuttoned her
blouse； reaching around to undo her bra strap。 I kissed her soft； pink
nipples。 She closed her eyes and slowly started moving her fingers。
〃Hey； you're pretty good at that；〃 I said。 〃Be a good boy and shut up；〃
said Naoko。
After I came； I held her in my arms and kissed her again。 Naoko did
up her bra and blouse； and I zipped up my flies。
〃Will that make it easier for you to walk？〃 she asked。
〃I owe it all to you。〃
〃Well； then； Sir； if it suits you； shall we walk a little farther？〃
〃By all means。〃
We cut across the meadow； through a stand of trees； and across
another meadow。 Naoko talked about her dead sister； explaining that
although she had hardly said anything about this to anyone； she felt
she ought to tell me。
〃She was six years older than me； and our personalities were totally
different； but still we were very close。 We never fought； not once。 It's
true。 Of course； with such a big difference in our ages； there was
nothing much for us to fight about。〃
Her sister was one of those girls who are successful at every
thing … a super…student； a super…athlete； popular； a leader； kind；
straightforward； the boys liked her； her teachers loved her； her walls
were covered with certificates of merit。 There's always one girl like
that in any school。 〃I'm not saying this because she's my sister； but she
never let any of this spoil her or make her the least bit stuck…up or a
show…off。 It's just that； no matter what you gave her to do； she would
naturally do it better than anyone else。
〃So when I was little； I decided that I was going to be the sweet little
girl。〃 Naoko twirled a frond of plume grass as she spoke。 〃I mean； you
know； I grew up hearing everybody talking about how smart she was
and how good she was at games and how popular she was。 Of course
I'm going to assume there's no way I could ever pete with her。 My
face； at least； was a little prettier than hers； so I guess my parents
decided they'd bring me up cute。 Right from the start they put me in
that kind of school。 They dressed me in velvet dresses and frilly
blouses and patent leather shoes and gave me piano lessons and ballet
lessons。 This just made my sister even crazier about me … you know： I
was her cute little sister。 She'd give me these cute little presents and
take me everywhere with her and help me with my homework。 She
even took me along on dates。 She was the best big sister anyone could
ask for。
〃Nobody knew why she killed herself。 The same as Kizuki。 Exactly
the same。 She was 17； too； and she never gave the slightest hint she
was going to mit suicide。 She didn't leave a note； either。 Really； it
was exactly the same； don't you think？〃
〃Sounds like it。〃
〃Everybody said she was too smart or she read too many books。 And
she did read a lot。 She had tons of books。 I read a bunch of them after
she died； and it was so sad。 They had her ments in the margins
and flowers pressed between the pages and letters from boyfriends；
and every time I came across something like that I'd cry。 I cried a lot。〃
Naoko fell silent for a few seconds； twirling the plume grass again。
〃She was the kind of person who took care of things by herself。 She'd
never ask anybody for advice or help。 It wasn't a matter of pride； I
think。 She just did what seemed natural to her。 My parents were used
to this and thought she'd be OK if they left her alone。 I would go to
my sister for advice and she was always ready to give it； but she never
went to anyone else。 She did what needed to be done； on her own。 She
never got angry or moody。 This is all true； I mean it； I'm not
exaggerating。 Most girls； when they have their period or something；
will get grumpy and take it out on others； but she never even did that。
Instead of getting into a bad mood； she would bee very subdued。
Maybe once in two or three months this would happen to her： she'd
shut herself up in her room and stay in bed； avoid school； hardly eat a
thing； turn the lights off； and space out。 She wouldn't be in a bad
mood； though。 When I came home from s