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had my background investigated and found out that I had been
hospitalized twice。 No wonder they opposed the marriage。 So；
anyway； we didn't have a wedding ceremony。 We just went to the
registry office and registered our marriage and took a trip to Hakone
for two nights。 That was plenty for us： we were happy。 And finally； I
remained a virgin until the day I married。 I was 25 years old！ Can you
believe it？〃
Reiko sighed and picked up the basketball again。
〃I thought that as long as I was with him； I would be all right；〃 she
went on。 〃As long as I was with him； my troubles would stay away。
That's the most important thing for a sickness like ours： a sense of
trust。 If I put myself in this person's hands； I'll be OK。 If my condition
starts to worsen even the slightest bit … if a screw es loose … he'll
notice straight away； and with tremendous care and patience he'll fix
it； he'll tighten the screw again； put all the jumbled threads back in
place。 If we have that sense of trust； our sickness stays away。 No more
snap！ I was so happy！ Life was great！ I felt as if someone had pulled
me out of a cold； raging sea and wrapped me in a blanket and laid me
in a warm bed。 I had a baby two years after we were married； and then
my hands were really full！ I practically forgot about my sickness。 I'd
get up in the morning and do the housework and take care of the baby
and feed my husband when he came home from work。 It was the same
thing day after day； but I was happy。 It was probably the happiest time
of my life。 How many years did it last； I wonder？ At least until I was
31。 And then； all of a sudden； snap！ It happened again。 I fell apart。〃
Reiko lit a cigarette。 The wind had died down。 The smoke rose
straight up and disappeared into the darkness of night。 Just then I
realized that the sky was filled with stars。
〃Something happened？〃 I asked。
〃Yes；〃 she said； 〃something very strange； as if a trap had been laid for
me。 Even now； it gives me a chill just to think about it。〃 Reiko rubbed
a temple with her free hand。 〃I'm sorry； though； making you listen to
all this talk about me。 You came here to see Naoko； not listen to my
story。〃
〃I'd really like to hear it； though；〃 I said。 〃If you don't mind； I'd like to
hear the rest。〃
〃Well；〃 Reiko began； 〃when our daughter entered kindergarten； I
started playing again； little by little。 Not for anyone else； but for
myself。 I started with short pieces by Bach； Mozart； Scarlatti。 After
such a long blank period； of course； my feel for the music didn't e
back straight away。 And my fingers wouldn't move the way they used
to。 But I was thrilled to be playing the piano again。 With my hands on
the keys； I realized how much I had loved music … and how much I
hungered for it。 To be able to perform music for yourself is a
wonderful thing。
〃As I said before； I had been playing from the time I was four years
old； but it occurred to me that I had never once played for myself。 I
had always been trying to pass a test or practise an assignment or
impress somebody。 Those are all important things； of course； if you
are going to master an instrument。 But after a certain age you have to
start performing for yourself。 That's what music is。 I had to drop out of
the elite course and pass my thirty…first birthday before I was finally
able to see that。 I would send my child off to kindergarten and hurry
through the housework； then spend an hour or two playing music I
liked。 So far so good； right？〃
I nodded。
〃Then one day I had a visit from one of the ladies of the
neighbourhood； someone I at least knew well enough to say hello to
on the street； asking me to give her daughter piano lessons。 I didn't
know the daughter … although we lived in the same gen eral
neighbourhood our houses were still pretty far apart … but according to
the woman； her daughter used to pass my house and loved to hear me
play。 She had seen me at some point； too； and now she was pestering
her mother to let me teach her。 She was in her fourth year of school
and had taken lessons from a number of people but things had not
gone well for one reason or another and now she had no teacher。
〃I turned her down。 I had had that blank of several years； and while it
might have made sense for me to take on an absolute beginner； it
would have been impossible for me to pick up with someone who had
had lessons for a number of years。 Besides； I was too busy taking care
of my own child and； though I didn't say this to the woman； nobody
can deal with the kind of child who changes teachers constantly。 So
then the woman asked me to at least do her daughter the favour of
meeting her once。 She was a fairly pushy lady and I could see she was
not going to let me off the hook that easily； so I agreed to meet the girl
… but just meet her。 Three days later the girl came to the house by
herself。 She was an absolute angel； with a kind of pure； sweet；
transparent beauty。 I had never … and have never … seen such a
beautiful little girl。 She had long； shiny hair as black as freshly ground
Indian ink； slim； graceful arms and legs； bright eyes； and a soft little
mouth that looked as if someone had just made it。 I couldn't speak
when I first saw her； she was so beautiful。 Sitting on my sofa； she
turned my living room into a gorgeous parlour。 It hurt to look directly
at her： I had to squint。 So； anyway； that's what she was like。 I can still
picture her clearly。〃
Reiko narrowed her eyes as if she were actually picturing the girl。
〃Over coffee we talked for a whole hour … talked about all kinds of
things： music； her school； just everything。 I could see straight away
she was a smart one。 She knew how to hold a conversation： she had
clear； shrewd opinions and a natural gift for drawing out the other
person。 It was almost frightening。 Exactly what it was that made her
frightening； I couldn't tell at the time。 It just struck me how
frighteningly intelligent she was。 But in her presence I lost any normal
powers of judgement I might have had。 She was so young and
beautiful； I felt overwhelmed to the point where I saw myself as an
inferior specimen； a clumsy excuse for a human being who could only
have negative thoughts about her because of my own warped and
filthy mind。〃
Reiko shook her head several times。
〃If I were as pretty and smart as she was； I'd have been
a normal human being。 What more could you want if you were that
smart and that beautiful？ Why would you have to torment and walk all
over your weaker inferiors if everybody loved you so much？ What
reason could there possibly be for acting that way？〃
〃Did she do something terrible to you？〃
〃Well； let me just say the girl was a pathological liar。 She was sick；
pure and simple。 She made up everything。 And while she was making
up her stories； she would e to believe them。 And then she would
change things around her to fit her story。 She had such a quick mind；
she could always keep a step ahead of you and take care of things that
would ordinarily strike you as odd； so it would never cross your mind
she was lying。 First of all； no one would e