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〃I was going to be a concert pianist；〃 she said。 〃I had talent； and
people recognized it and made a fuss over me while I was growing up。
I won petitions and had top marks in the conservatoire； and I was
all set to study in Germany after graduation。 Not a cloud on the
horizon。 Everything worked out perfectly； and when it didn't there was
always somebody to fix it。 But then one day something happened； and
it all blew apart。 I was in my final year at the conservatoire and there
was a fairly important petition ing up。 I practised for it
constantly； but all of a sudden the little finger of my left hand stopped
moving。 I don't know why； but it just did。 I tried massaging it； soaking
it in hot water； taking a few days off from practice： nothing worked。
So then I got scared and went to the doctor's。 They tried all kinds of
tests but they couldn't e up with anything。 There was nothing
wrong with the finger itself； and the nerves were OK； they said： there
was no reason it s hould stop moving。 The problem must be
psychological。 So I went to a psychiatrist； but he didn't really know
what was going on； either。 Probably pre…petition stress； he said；
and advised me to get away from the piano for a while。〃
Reiko inhaled deeply and let the smoke out。 Then she bent her neck to
the side a few times。
〃So I went to recuperate at my grandmother's place on the coast in Izu。
I thought I'd forget about that particular petition and really relax；
spend a couple of weeks away from the piano doing anything I
wanted。 But it was hopeless。 Piano was all I could think about。 Maybe
my finger would never move again。 How would I live if that
happened？ The same thoughts kept going round and round in my
brain。 And no wonder： piano had been my whole life up to that point。 I
had started playing when I was four and grew up thinking about the
piano and nothing else。 I never did housework so as not to injure my
fingers。 People paid attention to me for that one thing： my talent at the
piano。 Take the piano away from a girl who's grown up like that； and
what's left？ So then； snap！ MY mind became a plete jumble。 Total
darkness。〃
She dropped her cigarette to the ground and stamped it out； then bent
her neck a few times again。
〃That was the end of my dream of being a concert pianist。 I spent
two months in the hospital。 My finger started to move shortly after I
arrived； so I was able to return to the conservatoire and graduate； but
something inside me had vanished。 Some jewel of energy or
something had disappeared … evaporated … from inside my body。 The
doctor said I lacked the mental strength to bee a professional
pianist and advised me to abandon the idea。 So after graduating I took
pupils and taught them at home。 But the pain I felt was excruciating。 It
was as if my life had ended。 Here I was in my early twenties and the
best part of my life was over。 Do you see how terrible that would be？ I
had such potential； then woke up one day and it had gone。 No more
applause； no one would make a big fuss over me； no one would tell
me how wonderful I was。 I spent day after day in the house teaching
neighbourhood children Beyer exercises and sonatinas。 I felt so
miserable； I cried all the time。 To think what I had missed！ I would
hear about people who were far less talented than me winning second
place in a petition or holding a recital in such…and…such a hall； and
the tears would pour out of me。
〃My parents walked around on tiptoe； afraid of hurting me。 But I
knew how disappointed they were。 All of a sudden the daughter they
had been so proud of was an ex…mental…patient。 They couldn't even
marry me off。 When you're living with people； you sense what they're
feeling； and I hated it。 I was afraid to go out； afraid the neighbours
were talking about me。 So then； snap！ It happened again … the jumble；
the darkness。 It happened when I was 24； and this time I spent seven
months in a sanatorium。 Not this place： a regular insane asylum with
high walls and locked gates。 A filthy place without pianos。 I didn't
know what to do with myself。 All I knew was I wanted to get out of
there as soon as I could； so I struggled desperately to get better。 Seven
months： a long seven months。 That's when my wrinkles started。〃
Reiko smiled； her lips stretching from side to side。
〃I hadn't been out of the hospital for long when I met a man and got
married。 He was a year younger than me； an engineer who worked in
an aeroplane manufacturing pany； and one of my pupils。 A nice
man。 He didn't say a lot； but he was warm and sincere。 He had been
taking lessons from me for six months when all of a sudden he asked
me to marry him。 Just like that … one day when we were having tea
after his lesson。 Can you believe it？ We had never dated or held
hands。 He took me totally off guard。 I told him I couldn't get married。
I said I liked him and thought he was a nice person but that； for certain
reasons； I couldn't marry him。 He wanted to know what those reasons
were； so I explained everything to him with plete honesty … that I
had been hospitalized twice for mental breakdowns。 I told him
everything … what the cause had been； my condition； and the
possibility that it could happen again。 He said he needed time to think；
and I encouraged him to take all the time he needed。 But when he
came for his lesson a week later； he said he still wanted to marry me。 I
asked him to wait three months。 We would see each other for three
months； I said； and if he still wanted to marry me at that point； we
would talk about it again。
〃We dated once a week for three months。 We went everywhere； and
talked about everything； and I got to like him a lot。 When I was with
him； I felt as if my life had finally e back to me。 It gave me a
wonderful sense of relief to be alone with him： I could forget all those
terrible things that had happened。 So what if I hadn't been able to
bee a concert pianist？ So what if I had spent time in mental
hospitals？ My life hadn't ended。 Life was still full of wonderful things
I hadn't experienced。 If only for having made me feel that way； I felt
tremendously grateful to him。 After three months went by； he asked
me again to marry him。 And this is what I said to him： 〃If you want to
sleep with me； I don't mind。 I've never slept with anybody； and I'm
very fond of you； so if you want to make love to me； I don't mind at
all。 But marrying me is a whole different matter。 If you marry me； you
take on all my troubles； and they're a lot worse than you can imagine。
〃He said he didn't care； that he didn't just want to sleep with me； he
wanted to marry me； to share everything I had inside me。 And he
meant it。 He was the kind of person who would only say what he
really meant； and do anything he said。 So I agreed to marry him。 It
was all I could do。 We got married； let's see； four months later I think
it was。 He fought with his parents over me； and they disowned him。
He was from an old family that lived in a rural part of Shikoku。 They
had my background investigated and found out that I had been
hospitalized twice。 No wonder they opposed