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light on the opposite shore night after night。
When I walked back to the front entrance of the building half an hour
later； I could hear Reiko practising the guitar。 I padded up the stairs
and tapped on the door to the flat。 Inside there was no sign of Naoko。
Reiko sat alone on the carpet； playing her guitar。 She pointed towards
the bedroom door to let me know Naoko was in there。 Then she set
down the guitar on the floor and took a seat on the sofa； inviting me to
sit next to her and dividing what wine was left between our two
glasses。
〃Naoko is fine；〃 she said； touching my knee。 〃Don't worry； all she has
to do is rest for a while。 She'll calm down。 She was just a little worked
up。 How about taking a walk with me in the meantime？〃
〃Good；〃 I said。
Reiko and I ambled down a road illuminated by street lamps。 When
we reached the area by the tennis and basketball courts； we sat on a
bench。 She picked up a basketball from under the bench and turned it
in her hands。 Then she asked me if I played tennis。 I knew how to
play； I said； but I was bad at it。
〃How about basketball？〃
〃Not my strongest sport；〃 I said。
〃What is your strongest sport？〃 Reiko asked； wrinkling the corners of
her eyes with a smile。 〃Aside from sleeping with girls。〃
〃I'm not so good at that； either；〃 I said； stung by her words。 〃Just
kidding；〃 she said。 〃Don't get angry。 But really； though； what are you
good at？〃
〃Nothing special。 I have things I like to do。〃 〃For instance？〃
〃Hiking。 Swimming。 Reading。〃
〃You like to do things alone； then？〃
〃I guess so。 I could never get excited about games you play with other
people。 I can't get into them。 I lose interest。〃
〃Then you have to e here in the winter。 We do crosscountry
skiing。 I'm sure you'd like that； tramping around in the snow all day；
working up a good sweat。〃 Under the street lamp； Reiko stared at her
right hand as though she were inspecting an antique musical
instrument。
〃Does Naoko often get like that？〃 I asked。
〃Every now and then；〃 said Reiko； now looking at her left hand。
〃Every once in a while she'll get worked up and cry like that。 But
that's OK。 She's letting out her feelings。 The scary thing is not being
able to do that。 When your feelings build up and harden and die
inside； then you're in big trouble。〃
〃Did I say something I shouldn't have？〃
〃Not a thing。 Don't worry。 Just speak your mind honestly That's the
best thing。 It may hurt a little sometimes； and someone may get upset
the way Naoko did； but in the long run it's for the best。 That's what
you should do if you're serious about making Naoko well again。 Like I
told you in the beginning； you should think not so much about
wanting to help her as wanting to recover yourself by helping her to
recover。 That's the way it's done here。 So you have to be honest and
say everything that es to mind； while you're here at least。 Nobody
does that in the outside world； right？〃
〃I guess not；〃 I said。
〃I've seen all kinds of people e and go in my time here；〃 she said；
〃maybe too many people。 So I can usually tell by looking at a person
whether they're going to get better or not； almost by instinct。 But in
Naoko's case； I'm not sure。 I have absolutely no idea what's going to
happen to her。 For all I know； she could be 100 per cent recovered
next month； or she could go on like this for years。 So I really can't tell
you what to do aside from the most generalized kind of advice： to be
honest and help each other。〃
〃What makes Naoko such a hard case for you？〃
〃Probably because I like her so much。 I think my emotions get in the
way and I can't see her clearly。 I mean； I really like her。 But aside
from that； she has a bundle of different problems that are all tangled
up with each other so that it's hard to unravel a single one。 It may take
a very long time to undo them all； or something could trigger them to
e unravelled all at once。 It's kind of like that。 Which is why I can't
be sure about her。〃
She picked up the basketball again； twirled it in her hands and
bounced it on the ground。
〃The most important thing is not to let yourself get impatient；〃 Reiko
said。 〃This is one more piece of advice I have for you： don't get
impatient。 Even if things are so tangled up you can't do anything； don't
get desperate or blow a fuse and start yanking on one particular thread
before it's ready to e undone。 You have to realize it's going to be a
long process and that you'll work on things slowly； one at a time。 Do
you think you can do that？〃
〃I can try；〃 I said。
〃It may take a very long time； you know； and even then she may not
recover pletely。 Have you thought about that？〃 I nodded。
〃Waiting is hard；〃 she said； bouncing the ball。 〃 Especially for
someone your age。 You just sit and wait for her to get better。 Without
deadlines or guarantees。 Do you think you can do that？ Do you love
Naoko that much？〃
〃I'm not sure；〃 I said honestly。 〃Like Naoko； I'm not really sure what it
means to love another person。 Though she meant it a little differently。
I do want to try my best； though。 I have to； or else I won't know where
to go。 Like you said before； Naoko and I have to save each other。 It's
the only way for either of us to be saved。〃
〃And are you going to go on sleeping with girls you pick up？〃
〃I don't know what to do about that either；〃 I said。 〃What do you
think？ Should I just keep waiting and masturbating？ I'm not in
plete control there； either。〃
Reiko set the ball on the ground and patted my knee。 〃Look；〃 she said；
〃I'm not telling you to stop sleeping with girls。 If you're OK with that；
then it's OK。 It's your life after all； it's something you have to decide。
All I'm saying is you shouldn't use yourself up in some unnatural
form。 Do you see what I'm getting at？ It would be such a waste。 The
years 19 and 20 are a crucial stage in the maturation of character； and
if you allow yourself to bee warped when you're that
age； it will cause you pain when you're older。 It's true。 So think about
it carefully。 If you want to take care of Naoko； take care of yourself；
too。〃
I said I would think about it。
〃I was 20 myself。 Once upon a time。 Would you believe it？〃
〃I believe it。 Of course。〃
〃Deep down？〃
〃Deep down；〃 I said with a smile。
〃And I was cute； too。 Not as cute as Naoko； but pretty damn cute。 I
didn't have all these wrinkles。〃
I said I liked her wrinkles a lot。 She thanked me。
〃But don't ever tell another woman that you find her wrinkles
attractive；〃 she added。 〃I like to hear it； but I'm the exception。〃
〃I'll be careful；〃 I said。
She slipped a wallet from her trouser pocket and handed me a photo
from the card…holder。 It was a colour snapshot of a cute girl around ten
years old wearing skis and a brightly coloured ski…suit； standing on the
snow smiling sweetly for the camera。
〃Isn't she pretty？ My daughter；〃 said Reiko。 〃She sent me this in
January。 She's … what？ … nine years old now。〃
〃She has your smile；〃 I said； returning the photo。 Reiko pocketed the
wallet and； with a sniff； put a cigarette between her lips and lit up。
〃I was going to be a concert pianist；