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quietly shut the door。
No call came even after a week had passed。 Naoko's house had no
system for calling people to the phone； and so on Sunday morning I
took the train out to Kokubunji。 She wasn't there； and her name had
been removed from the door。 The windows and storm shutters were
closed tight。 The manager told me that Naoko had moved out three
days earlier。 He had no idea where she had moved to。
I went back to the dorm and wrote Naoko a long letter addressed to
her home in Kobe。 Wherever she was； they would forward it to her at
least。
I gave her an honest account of my feelings。 There was a lot I still
didn't understand； I said； and though I was trying hard to understand； it
would take time。 Where I would be once that time had gone by； it was
impossible for me to say now； which is why it was impossible for me
to make promises or demands； or to set down pretty words。 For one
thing； we knew too little of each other。 If； however； she would grant
me the time； I would give it my best effort； and the two of us would
e to know each other better。 In any case； I wanted to see her again
and have a good long talk。 When I lost Kizuki； I lost the one person to
whom I could speak honestly of my feelings； and I imagined it had
been the same for Naoko。 She and I had needed each other more than
either of us knew。 Which was no doubt why our relationship had taken
such a major detour and bee； in a sense； warped。 I probably
should not have done what I did； and yet I believe that it was all I
could do。 The warmth and closeness I felt for you at that moment was
something I have never experienced before。 I need you to answer this
letter。 Whatever that answer may be； I need to have it。
No answer came。
Something inside me had dropped away； and nothing came in to fill
the empty cavern。 There was an abnormal lightness to my body； and
sounds had a hollow echo to them。 I went to lectures more faithfully
than ever。 They were boring； and I never talked to my fellow students；
but I had nothing else to do。 I would sit by myself in the very front
row of the lecture hall； speak to no one and eat alone。 I stopped
smoking。
The student strike started at the end of May。 〃Dismantle the
University！〃 they all screamed。 Go ahead； do it； I thought。 Dismantle
it。 Tear it apart。 Crush it to bits。 I don't give a damn。 It would be a
breath of fresh air。 I'm ready for anything。 I'll help if necessary。 Just
go ahead and do it。
With the campus blockaded and lectures suspended； I started to work
at a delivery pany。 Sitting with the driver； loading and unloading
lorries； that kind of stuff。 It was tougher than I thought。 At first I could
hardly get out of bed in the morning with the pain。 The pay was good；
though； and as long as I kept my body moving I could forget about the
emptiness inside。 I worked on the lorries five days a week； and three
nights a week I continued my job at the record shop。 Nights without
work I spent with whisky and books。 Storm Trooper wouldn't touch
whisky and couldn't stand the smell； so when I was sprawled on my
bed drinking it straight； he'd plain that the fumes made it
impossible for him to study and ask me to take my bottle outside。
〃You get the hell out；〃 I growled。
〃But you know drinking in the dorm is a…a…against the rules。〃
〃I don't give a shit。 You get out。〃
He stopped plaining； but now I was annoyed。 I went to the roof
and drank alone。
In June I wrote Naoko another long letter； addressing it again to her
house in Kobe。 It said pretty much the same thing as the first one； but
at the end I added： Waiting for your
answer is one of the most painful things I have ever been through。 At
least let me know whether or not I hurt you。 When I posted it；
I felt as if the cavern inside me had grown again。
That June I went out with Nagasawa twice again to sleep with girls。 It
was easy both times。 The first girl put up a terrific struggle when I
tried to get her undressed and into the hotel bed； but when I began
reading alone because it just wasn't worth it； she came over and started
nuzzling me。 And after I had done it with the second one； she started
asking me all kinds of personal questions … how many girls had I slept
with？ Where was I from？ Which university did I go to？ What kind of
music did I like？ Had I ever read any novels by Osamu Dazai？ Where
would I like to go if I could travel abroad？ Did I think her nipples
were too big？ I made up some answers and went to sleep； but next
morning she said she wanted to have breakfast with me； and she kept
up the stream of questions
over the tasteless eggs and toast and coffee。 What kind of work did my
father do？ Did I get good marks at school？ What month was I born？
Had I ever eaten frogs？ She was giving me a headache； so as soon as
we had finished eating I said I had to go to work。
〃Will I ever see you again？〃 she asked with a sad look。
〃Oh； I'm sure we'll meet again somewhere before long；〃 I said； and
left。 What the hell am I doing？ I started wondering as soon as I was
alone； feeling disgusted with myself。 And yet it was all I could do。 My
body was hungering for women。 All the time I was sleeping with
those girls I thought about Naoko： the white shape of her naked body
in the darkness； her sighs； the sound of the rain。 The more I thought
about these things； the hungrier my body grew。 I went up to the roof
with my whisky and asked myself where I thought I was heading。
Finally； at the beginning of July； a letter came from Naoko。 A short
letter。
Please forgive me for not answering sooner。 But try to understand。 It
took me a very long time before I was in any condition to write； and I
have started this letter at least ten times。 Writing is a painful process
for me。
Let me begin with my conclusion。 I have decided to take a year off
from college。 Officially； it's a leave of absence； but I suspect that I will
never be going back。 This will no doubt e as a surprise to you； but
in fact I had been thinking about doing this for a very long time。 I tried
a few times to mention it to you； but I was never able to make myself
begin。 I was afraid even to pronounce the words。
Try not to get so worked up about things。 Whatever happened… or
didn't happen … the end result would have been the same。 This may not
be the best way to put it； and I'm sorry if it hurts you。 What I am
trying to tell you is； I don't want you to blame yourself for what
happened with me。 It is something I have to take on all by myself。 I
had been putting it off for more than a year； and so I ended up making
things very difficult for you。 There is probably no way to put it off any
longer。
After I moved out of my flat； I came back to my family's house in
Kobe and was seeing a doctor for a while。 He tells me there is a place
in the hills outside Kyoto that would be perfect for me； and I'm
thinking of spending a little time there。 It's not exactly a hospital； more
a sanatorium kind of thing with a far freer style of treatment。 I'll leave
the details for another letter。 What I need now is to rest my nerves in a
quiet place cut off from th