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said goodbye。 Again； she talked only in snatches； but this didn't seem
to bother her； and I made no special effort to keep the conversation
going。 We talked about whatever came to mind … our daily routines；
our colleges； each a little fragment that led nowhere。 We said nothing
at all about the past。 And mainly； we walked … and walked； and
walked。 Fortunately； Tokyo is such a big city we could never have
covered it all。
We kept on walking like this almost every weekend。 She would lead；
and I would follow close behind。 Naoko had a variety of hairslides
and always wore them with her right ear exposed。 I remember her
most clearly this way； from the back。 She would toy with her hairslide
whenever she felt embarrassed by something。 And she was always
dabbing at her mouth with a handkerchief。 She did this whenever she
had something to say。 The more I observed these habits of hers； the
more I came to like her。
Naoko went to a girls' college on the rural western edge of Tokyo； a
nice little place famous for its teaching of English。
Nearby was a narrow irrigation canal with clean； clear water； and
Naoko and I would often walk along its banks。 Sometimes she would
invite me up to her flat and cook for me。 It never seemed to concern
her that the two of us were in such close quarters together。 The room
was small and neat and so lacking in frills that only the stockings
drying in the corner by the window gave any hint that a girl lived
there。 She led a spare； simple life with hardly any friends。 No one who
had known her at school could have imagined her like this。 Back then；
she had dressed with real flair and surrounded herself with a million
friends。 When I saw her room； I realized that； like me； she had wanted
to go away to college and begin a new life far from anyone she knew。
〃Know why I chose this place？〃 she said with a smile。 〃Because
nobody from home was ing here。 We were all supposed to go
somewhere more chic。 You know what I mean？〃
My relationship with Naoko was not without its progress； though。
Little by little； she grew more accustomed to me； and I to her。 When
the summer holidays ended and a new term started； Naoko began
walking next to me as if it were the most natural thing in the world to
do。 She saw me as a friend now； I concluded； and walking side by side
with such a beautiful girl was by no means painful for me。 We kept
walking all over Tokyo in the same meandering way； climbing hills；
crossing rivers and railway lines； just walking and walking with no
destination in mind。 We forged straight ahead； as if our walking were
a religious ritual meant to heal our wounded spirits。 If it rained； we
used umbrellas； but in any case we walked。
Then came autumn； and the dormitory grounds were buried in zelkova
leaves。 The fragrance of a new season arrived when I put on my first
pullover。 Having worn out one pair of shoes； I bought some new suede
ones。
I can't seem to recall what we talked about then。 Nothing special； I
expect。 We continued to avoid any mention of the past and rarely
spoke about Kizuki。 We could face each other over coffee cups in
total silence。
Naoko liked to hear me tell stories about Storm Trooper。 Once he had
a date with a fellow student （a girl in geography； of course） but came
back in the early evening looking glum。 〃Tell me； W W…Watanabe；
what do you talk about with g…g…girls？〃 I don't remember how I
answered him； but he had picked the wrong person to ask。 In July；
somebody in the dorm had taken down Storm Trooper's Amsterdam
canal scene and put up a photo of the Golden Gate Bridge instead。 He
told me he wanted to know if Storm Trooper could masturbate to the
Golden Gate Bridge。 〃He loved it；〃 I reported later； which prompted
someone else to put up a picture of an iceberg。 Each time the photo
changed in his absence； Storm Trooper became upset。
〃Who…who…who the hell is doing this？〃 he asked。
〃I wonder；〃 I said。 〃But what's the difference？ They're all nice
pictures。 You should be grateful。〃
〃Yeah； I s'pose so； but it's weird。〃
My stories of Storm Trooper always made Naoko laugh。 Not many
things succeeded in doing that； so I talked about him often； though I
was not exactly proud of myself for using him this way。 He just
happened to be the youngest son in a not…too…wealthy family who had
grown up a little too serious for his own good。 Making maps was the
one small dream of his one small life。 Who had the right to make fun
of him for that？
By then； however； Storm…Trooper jokes had bee an indispensable
source of dormitory talk； and there was no way for me to undo what I
had done。 Besides； the sight of Naoko's smiling face had bee my
own special source of pleasure。 I went on supplying everyone with
new stories。
Naoko asked me one time … just once … if I had a girl I liked。 I told her
about the one I had left behind in Kobe。 〃She was nice；〃 I said； 〃I
enjoyed sleeping with her； and I miss her every now and then； but
finally； she didn't move me。 I don't know； sometimes I think I've got
this hard kernel in my heart； and nothing much can get inside it。 I
doubt if I can really love anybody。〃
〃Have you ever been in love？〃 Naoko asked。
〃Never；〃 I said。
She didn't ask me more than that。
When autumn ended and cold winds began tearing through the city；
Naoko would often walk pressed against my arm。 I could sense her
breathing through the thick cloth of her duffel coat。 She would
entwine her arm with mine； or cram her hand in my pocket； or； when
it was really cold； cling tightly to my arm； shivering。 None of this had
any special meaning。 I just kept walking with my hands shoved in my
pockets。 Our rubber…soled shoes made hardly any sound on the
pavement； except for the dry crackling when we trod on the broad；
withered sycamore leaves。 I felt sorry for Naoko whenever I heard that
sound。 My arm was not the one she needed； but the arm of someone
else。 My warmth was not what she needed； but the warmth of
someone else。 I felt almost guilty being me。
As the winter deepened； the transparent clarity of Naoko's eyes
seemed to increase。 It was a clarity that had nowhere to go。 Sometimes
Naoko would lock her eyes on to mine for no apparent reason。 She
seemed to be searching for something； and this would give me a
strange； lonely； helpless sort of feeling。
I wondered if she was trying to convey something to me； something
she could not put into words … something prior to words that she could
not grasp within herself and which therefore had no hope of ever
turning into words。 Instead； she would fiddle with her hairslide； dab at
the corners of her mouth with a handkerchief； or look into my eyes in
that meaningless way。 I wanted to hold her tight when she did these
things； but I would hesitate and hold back。 I was afraid I might hurt
her。 And so the two of us kept walking the streets of Tokyo； Naoko
searching for words in space。
The guys in the dorm would always tease me when I got a call from
Naoko or went out on a Sunday morning。 They assumed； naturally
enough； that I had found a girlfriend。 There was no way to explain th