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azaleas and tall； green nandins。
〃So then the ambulance came and took Naoko away and the police
started questioning me。 Not that there was much doubt。 There was a
kind of suicide note； and it had obviously been a suicide； and they
took it for granted that suicide was just one of those things that mental
patients did。 So it was pretty pro forma。 As soon as they left； I
telegraphed you。〃
〃What a sad little funeral it was；〃 I said。 〃Her family was obviously
upset that I knew Naoko had died。 I'm sure they didn't want people to
know it was suicide。 I probably shouldn't even have been there。 Which
made me feel even worse。 As soon as I got back； I hit the road。〃
〃Hey； Watanabe； let's go for a walk。 We can shop for something to
make for dinner； maybe。 I'm starving。〃
〃Sure。 Is there something you want to eat？〃
〃Sukiyaki；〃 she said。 〃I haven't had anything like that for years。 I used
to dream about sukiyaki … just stuffing myself with beef and green
onions and noodles and roasted tofu and greens。〃
〃Sure； we can have that； but I don't have a sukiyaki pan。〃 〃Just leave it
to me。 I'll borrow one from your landlord。〃 She ran off to the main
house and came back with a good
sized pan and gas cooker and rubber hose。 〃Not bad； eh？〃
〃Not bad！〃
We bought all the ingredients at the little shops in the neighbourhood …
beef； eggs； vegetables； tofu。 I picked out a fairly decent white wine。 I
tried to pay； but Reiko insisted on paying for everything。
〃Think how the family would laugh at me if they heard I let my
nephew pay for the food！〃 said Reiko。 〃Besides； I'm carrying a fair
amount of cash。 So don't worry。 I wasn't about to leave the sanatorium
broke。〃
Reiko washed the rice and put it on to boil while I arranged everything
for cooking on the veranda。 When everything was ready； Reiko took
out her guitar and appeared to be testing it with a slow Bach fugue。 On
the hard parts she would purposely slow down or speed up or make it
detached or sentimental； listening with obvious pleasure to the variety
of sounds she could draw from the instrument。 When she played the
guitar； Reiko looked like a 17…year…old girl enjoying the sight of a new
dress。 Her eyes sparkled； and she pouted with just the hint of a smile。
When she had finished the piece； she leaned back against a pillar and
looked up at the sky as though deep in thought。
〃Do you mind if I talk to you？〃 I asked。
〃Not at all；〃 she said。 〃I was just thinking how hungry I am。〃
〃Aren't you planning to see your husband or your daughter while
you're here？ They must be in Tokyo somewhere。〃
〃Close enough。 Yokohama。 But no； I don't plan to see them。 I'm sure I
told you before： it's better for them if they don't have anything more to
do with me。 They've started a new life。 And I'd just feel terrible if I
saw them。 No； the best thing is to keep away。〃
She crumpled up her empty box of Seven Stars cigarettes and took a
new one from her suitcase。 She cut the seal and put a cigarette in her
mouth； but she didn't light up。
〃I'm finished as a human being；〃 she said。 〃All you're looking at is the
lingering memory of what I used to be。 The most important part of
me； what used to be inside； died years ago； and I'm just functioning by
auto…memory。〃
〃But I like you now； Reiko； the way you are； lingering memory or
whatever。 And what I have to say about it may not make any
difference； but I'm really glad that you're wearing Naoko's clothes。〃
Reiko smiled and lit her cigarette with a lighter。 〃For such a young
man； you know how to make a woman happy。〃
I felt myself reddening。 〃I'm just saying what I really think。〃 〃Sure； I
know；〃 said Reiko； smiling。 When the rice was done soon after that； I
oiled the pan and arranged the ingredients for sukiyaki。
〃Tell me this isn't a dream；〃 said Reiko； sniffing the air。
〃No； this is 100 per cent realistic sukiyaki；〃 I said。 〃Empiri cally
speaking； of course。〃
Instead of talking； we attacked the sukiyaki with our chopsticks； drank
lots of beer； and finished up with rice。 Seagull turned up； attracted by
the smell； so we shared our meat with her。 When we had eaten our fill；
we sat leaning against the porch pillars looking at the moon。
〃Satisfied？〃 I asked。
〃Totally；〃 she groaned。 〃I've never eaten so much in my life。〃
〃What do you want to do now？〃
〃Have a smoke and go to a public bath。 My hair's a mess。 I need to
wash it。〃
〃No problem。 There's one down the street。〃
〃Tell me； Watanabe； if you don't mind。 Have you slept with that girl
Midori？〃
〃You mean have we had sex？ Not yet。 We decided not to until things
get sorted out。〃
〃Well； now they're sorted out； wouldn't you say？〃
I shook my head。 〃Now that Naoko's dead； you mean？〃
〃No； not that。 You made your decision long before Naoko died … that
you could never leave Midori。 Whether Naoko is alive or dead； it has
nothing to do with your decision。 You chose Midori。 Naoko chose to
die。 You're all grown up now； so you have to take responsibility for
your choices。 Otherwise； you ruin everything。〃
〃But I can't forget her；〃 I said。 〃I told Naoko I would go on waiting for
her； but I couldn't do it。 I turned my back on her in the end。 I'm not
saying anyone's to blame： it's a problem for me myself。 I do think that
things would have worked out the same way even if I hadn't turned
my back on her。 Naoko was choosing death all along。 But that's beside
the point。 I can't forgive myself。 You tell me there's nothing I can do
about a natural change in feelings； but my relationship with Naoko
was not that simple。 If you stop and think about it； she and I were
bound together at the border between life and death。 It was like that
for us from the start。〃
〃If you feel some kind of pain with regard to Naoko's death； I would
advise you to keep on feeling that pain for the rest of your life。 And if
there's something you can learn from it； you should do that； too。 But
quite aside from that； you should be happy with Midori。 Your pain has
nothing to do with your relationship with her。 If you hurt her any more
than you already have； the wound could be too deep to fix。 So； hard as
it may be； you have to be strong。 You have to grow up more； be more
of an adult。 I left the sanatorium and came all the way up here to
Tokyo to tell you that … all the way on that coffin of a train。〃
〃I understand what you're telling me；〃 I said to Reiko； 〃but I'm still not
prepared to follow through on it。 I mean； that was such a sad little
funeral！ No one should have to die like that。〃
Reiko stretched out her hand and stroked my head。 〃We all have to die
like that sometime。 I will； and so will you。〃
We took the five…minute walk along the river bank to the local public
baths and came home feeling more refreshed。 I opened the bottle of
wine and we sat on the veranda drinking it。
〃Hey； Watanabe； could you bring out another glass？〃
〃Sure；〃 I said。 〃But what for？〃
〃We're going to have our own funeral for Naoko； just the two of us。
One that's not so sad。〃
When I handed her the glass； Reiko filled it to the brim and set it on
the stone lantern in the garden。 Then she sat on