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the cat sound asleep in her lap。
〃That girl had everything worked out for herself。 I'm sure that's why
she was so full of energy and smiling and healthylooking。 It must have
been such a load off her mind to feel she knew exactly what she was
going to do。 So then we finished going through her stuff and throwing
what she didn't need into the metal drum in the garden and burning it：
the notebook she had used as a diary； and all the letters she had
received。 Your letters； too。 This seemed a bit strange to me； so I asked
her why she was burning stuff like that。 I mean； she had always been
so careful about putting your letters away in a safe place and reading
them over and over。 She said； 〃I'm getting rid of everything from the
past so I can be reborn in the future。' I suppose I pretty much took her
at her word。 It had its own kind of logic to it； sort of。 I remember
thinking how much I wanted her to get healthy and happy。 She was so
sweet and lovely that day： I wish you could have seen her！
〃When that was over； we went to the dining hall for supper the way
we used to。 Then we bathed and I opened a bottle of good wine that I
had been keeping for a special occasion like this and we drank and I
played the guitar。 The Beatles； as alw ays； 〃Norwegian Wood〃；
〃Michelle〃； her favourites。 Both of us were feeling pretty good。 We
turned out the lights； got undressed and lay in our beds。 It was one of
those steaming hot nights。 We had the windows wide open； but there
was hardly a breath of win d。 It was black as ink outside； the
grasshoppers were screaming； and the smell of the summer grass was
so thick in the room it was hard to breathe。 All of a sudden； Naoko
started talking about you … about the night she had sex with you。 In
incredible detail。 How you took her clothes off； how you touched her；
how she found herself getting wet； how you went inside her； how
wonderful it felt： she told me all of this in vivid detail。 So I asked her：
why are you telling me this now； all of a sudden？ I mean； up to then；
she had never spoken openly to me about sex。 Of course； we had had
some frank sexual talk as a kind of therapy； but she had been too
embarrassed to go into details。 Now I couldn't stop her。 I was shocked。
〃So she says； 〃I don't know； I just feel like talking about it。 I'll stop if
you'd rather not hear it。' 〃No；' I said； that's OK。 〃If there's something
you need to talk about； you'd better get it all out。 I'll listen to anything
you have to say。'
〃So she went on with her story： 〃When he went inside me； I couldn't
believe how much it hurt。 It was my first time； after all。 I was so wet；
he slipped right in； but still； my brain fogged over … it hurt so much。
He put it in as far as he could； I thought； but then he lifted my legs and
went in even farther。 That sent chills all through my body； as if I was
soaking in ice water。 My arms and legs went numb； and a wave of
cold went through me。 I didn't know what was happening。 I thought I
might die right there and then； and I didn't care one way or another。
But he realized I was in pain； so he stopped moving； and still deep
inside me； he started kissing me all over … my hair； my neck； my
breasts … for a long； long time。 Little by little； the warmth returned to
my body； and then； very slowly； he started to move。 Oh； Reiko； it was
so wonderful！ Now it felt as if my brain was just going to melt away。 I
wanted to stay like that forever； to stay in his arms for the rest of my
life。 That's how great it was。'
〃So I said to her； 〃If it was so great； why didn't you just stay with
Watanabe and keep doing it every day？' But she said； 〃No； Reiko； I
knew it would never happen again。 I knew this was something that
would e to me once； and leave； and never e back。 This would
be a once…in…a…lifetime thing。 I had never felt anything like it before；
and I've never felt anything like it since。 I've never felt that I wanted to
do it again； and I've never grown wet like that again。'
〃Of course； I explained to her that this was something that often
happened to young women and that； in most cases； it cures itself with
age。 And； after all； it had worked that one time： there was no need to
worry it wouldn't happen again。 I myself had had all kinds of trouble
when I was first married。
〃But she said； 〃No； that's not it； Reiko。 I'm not worried about that at
all。 I just don't want anybody going inside me again。 I just don't want
to be violated like that again … by anybody'。〃
I drank my beer； and Reiko finished her second cigarette。 The cat
stretched itself in Reiko's lap； found a new position and went back to
sleep。 Reiko seemed at a loss how to go on until she had lit her third
cigarette。
〃After that； Naoko began to sob。 I sat on the edge of her bed and
stroked her hair。 〃Don't worry；' I said； 〃everything is going to be all
right。 A beautiful； young girl like you has got to have a man to hold
her and make her happy。' Naoko was drenched in sweat and tears。 I
got a bath towel and dried her face and body。 Even her panties were
soaked； so I helped her out of
them … now wait a minute； don't get any strange ideas； there was
nothing funny going on。 We always used to bathe together。 She was
like my little sister。〃
〃I know； I know；〃 I said。
〃Well； anyway； Naoko said she wanted me to hold her。 I said it was
far too hot for holding； but she said it was the last time we'd be seeing
each other； so I held her。 Just for a while。 With a bath towel between
us so our sweaty bodies wouldn't stick to each other。 And when she
calmed down； I dried her off again； got her nightdress on her and put
her to bed。 She fell sound asleep straight away。 Or maybe she was just
pretending to sleep。 Whatever； she looked so sweet and lovely that
night； she had the face of a girl of 13 or 14 who's never had a bit of
harm done to her since the day she was born。 I saw that look on her
face； and I knew I could let myself fall asleep with an easy heart。
When I woke at six in the morning； she was gone。 Her nightdress was
there； where she had dropped it； but her clothes and trainers and the
torch I always keep by my pillow were missing。 I knew immediately
that something was wrong。 I mean； the very fact that she had taken the
torch meant she had left in the dark。 I checked her desk just in case；
and
there was the note： Please give all my clothes to Reiko。 I woke
up everybody straight away； and we took different paths to look for
her。 We searched every inch of the place； from the insides of the
dorms to the surrounding woods。 It took us five hours to find her。
She'd even brought her own rope。〃
Reiko sighed and patted the cat。
〃Want some tea？〃 I asked。
〃Yes； thanks；〃 said Reiko。
I boiled water and brought a pot of tea back to the veranda。 Sundown
was approaching。 The daylight had grown weak； and long shadows of
trees stretched to our feet。 I sipped my tea and looked at the strangely
random garden with its funny mix of yellow globeflowers and pink
azaleas and tall； green nandins。
〃So then the ambulance came and took Naoko away and the police
started questioning me。