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imperfect human beings living in an imperfect world。 We don't live
with the mechanical precision of a bank account or by measuring all
our lines and angles with rulers and protractors。 Am I right？
My own personal feeling is that Midori sounds like a great girl。 I
understand just reading your letter why you would be drawn to her。
And I understand； too； why you would also be drawn to Naoko。
There's nothing the least bit sinful about it。 Things like that happen all
the time in this great big world of ours。 It's like taking a boat out on a
beautiful lake on a beautiful day and thinking both the sky and the
lake are beautiful。 So stop eating yourself up。 Things will go where
they're supposed to go if you just let them take their natural course。
Despite your best efforts； people are going to be hurt when it's time for
them to be hurt。 Life is like that。 I know I sound like I'm preaching
from a pulpit； but it's about time you learned to live like this。 You try
too hard to make life fit your way of doing things。 If you don't want to
spend time in an insane asylum； you have to open up a little more and
let yourself go with life's natural flow。 I'm just a powerless and
imperfect woman； but still there are times when I think to myself how
wonderful life can be！ Believe me； it's true！ So stop what you're doing
this minute and get happy。 Work at making yourself happy！
Needless to say； I do feel sorry that you and Naoko could not see
things through to a happy ending。 But who can say what's best？ That's
why you need to grab whatever chance you have of happiness where
you find it； and not worry about other people too much。 My
experience tells me that we get no more than two or three such
chances in a lifetime； and if we let them go； we regret it for the rest of
our lives。
I'm playing the guitar every day for no one in particular。 It seems a bit
pointless。 I don't like dark； rainy nights； either。 I hope I'll have another
chance to play my guitar and eat grapes with you and Naoko in the
room with me。
Ah； well； until then …
Reiko Ishida
Reiko wrote to me several times after Naoko's death。 It wasn't my
fault； she said。 It was nobody's fault； any more than you could blame
someone for the rain。 But I never answered her。 What could I have
said？ What good would it have done？ Naoko no longer existed in this
world； she had bee a handful of ashes。
They held a quiet funeral for Naoko in Kobe at the end of August； and
when it was over； I went back to Tokyo。 I told my landlord I would be
away for a while and my boss at the Italian restaurant that I wouldn't
be ing in to work。 To Midori I wrote a short note： I couldn't say
anything just yet； but I hoped she would wait for me a little longer。 I
spent the next three days in cinemas； and after I had seen every new
film in Tokyo； I packed my rucksack； took out all my savings from the
bank； went to Shinjuku Station； and got the first express train I could
find going out of town。
Where I went on my travels； it's impossible for me to recall。 I
remember the sights and sounds and smells clearly enough； but the
names of the towns are gone； as well as any sense of the order in
which I travelled from place to place。 I would move from town to
town by train or bus or hitching a lift in a lorry； spreading out my
sleeping bag in empty car parks or stations or parks or on river banks
or the seashore。 I once persuaded them to let me sleep in the corner of
a local police station； and another time slept alongside a graveyard。 I
didn't care where I slept； provided I was out of people's way and could
stay in my sleeping bag as long as I felt like it。 Exhausted from
walking； I would crawl into it； gulp down some cheap whisky； and fall
fast asleep。 In nice towns； people would bring me food and mosquito
coils； and in not…so…nice towns； people would call the police and have
me chased out of the parks。 It made no difference to me one way or
another。 All I wanted was to put myself to sleep in towns I didn't
know。
When I ran low on money； I would work as a labourer for a few days
until I had what I needed。 There was always work for me to do。 I just
kept moving from one town to the next； no destination in mind。 The
world was big and full of weird things and strange people。 One time I
called Midori because I had to hear her voice。
〃Term started a long time ago； you know；〃 she said。 〃Some courses
are even asking for papers already。 What are you going to do？ Do you
realize you've been out of touch for three whole weeks now？ Where
are you？ What are you doing？〃
〃Sorry； but I can't go back to Tokyo yet。 Not yet。〃
〃And that's all you're going to tell me？〃
〃There's really nothing more I can say at this point。 Maybe in October。
。。〃
Midori hung up without a word。
I went on with my travels。 Every now and then I'd stay at a dosshouse
and have a bath and shave。 What I saw in the mirror looked terrible。
The sun had dried out my skin； my eyes were sunken； and odd stains
and cuts marked my cheekbones。 I looked as if I had just crawled out
of a cave somewhere； but it was me after all。 It was me。
By that time； I was moving down the coast； as far from Tokyo as I
could get … maybe in Tottori or the hidden side of Hyogo。 Walking
along the seashore was easy。 I could always find a fortable place
to sleep in the sand。 I'd make a fire from driftwood and roast some
dried fish I bought from a local fisherman。 Then I'd swallow some
whisky and listen to the waves while I thought about Naoko。 It was
too strange to think that she was dead and no longer part of this world。
I couldn't absorb the truth of it。 I couldn't believe it。 I had heard the
nails being driven into the lid of her coffin； but I still couldn't adjust to
the fact that she had returned to nothingness。
No； the image of her was still too vivid in my memory。 I could still
see her enclosing my penis in her mouth； her hair falling across my
belly。 I could still feel her warmth； her breath against me； and that
helpless moment when I could do nothing but e。 I could bring all
this back as clearly as if it had happened only five minutes ago； and I
felt sure that Naoko was still beside me； that I could just reach out and
touch her。 But no； she wasn't there； her flesh no longer existed in this
world。
Nights when it was impossible for me to sleep； images of Naoko
would e back to me。 There was no way I could stop them。 Too
many memories of her were crammed inside me； and as soon as one of
them found the slightest opening； the rest would force their way out in
an endless stream； an unstoppable flood： Naoko in her yellow raincape
cleaning the aviary and carrying the feed bag that rainy morning； the
caved…in birthday cake and the feel of Naoko's tears soaking through
my shirt （yes； it had been raining then； too）； Naoko walking beside me
in winter wearing her camel…hair coat； Naoko touching the hairslide
she always wore； Naoko peering at me with those incredibly clear
eyes of hers； Naoko sitting on the sofa； legs drawn up beneath her blue
nightdress； chin resting on her knees。
The memories