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really really love about you。〃
〃How much do you love me？〃 I asked； but she didn't answer。 Instead；
she pressed against me； put her lips on my nipple and began to move
the hand that was wrapped around my penis。 The first thing that
occurred to me was how different it was to the way Naoko moved her
hand。 Both were gentle and wonderful； but something was different
about the way they did it； and so it felt like a totally different
experience。
〃Hey； Watanabe； I bet you're thinking about that other girl。〃
〃Not true；〃 I lied。
〃Really？〃
〃Really。〃
〃Because I would really hate that。〃
〃I can't think about anybody else；〃 I said。
〃Want to touch my breasts； or down there？〃 Midori asked。 〃Oh wow；
I'd love to； but I'd better not。 If we do all those
things at once； it'll be too much for me。〃
Midori nodded and rustled around under the covers； pulling
her panties off and holding them against the tip of my penis。 〃You can
e on these；〃 she said。 〃But it'll make a mess of them。〃
〃Stop it； will you？ You're gonna make me cry；〃 said Midori； a if on
the verge of tears。 〃All I have to do is wash them。 So don't hold back；
just let yourself e all you want。 If you're worried about my
panties； buy me a new pair。 Or are they going to keep you from
ing because they're mine？〃
〃No way；〃 I said。 〃Go on then； let go。〃
When I was through； Midori inspected my semen。 〃Wow； that's a huge
amount！〃
〃Too much？〃
〃Nah； it's OK； silly。 e all you want；〃 she said with a smile。 Then
she kissed me。
In the evening； Midori did some shopping in the neighbourhood and
made dinner。 We ate tempura and rice with green peas at the kitchen
table； and washed it all down with beer。
〃Eat a lot and make lots of semen；〃 Midori said。 〃Then I'll be nice and
help you get rid of it。〃
〃Thanks very much；〃 I said。
〃I know all sorts of ways to do it。 I learned from the women's
magazines when we had the bookshop。 Once they had this special
edition all about how to take care of your husband so he won't cheat
on you while you're pregnant and can't have sex。 There's tons of ways。
Wanna try 'em？〃
〃I can hardly wait；〃 I said。
After saying goodbye to Midori； I bought a newspaper at the station；
but when I opened it on the train； I realized I had absolutely no desire
to read a paper and in fact couldn't understand what it said。 All I could
do was glare at the inprehensible page of print and wonder what
was going to happen to me from now on； and how the things around
me would be changing。 I felt as if the world was pulsating every now
and then。 I sighed deeply and closed my eyes。 As regards what I had
done that day； I felt not the slightest regret； I knew for certain that if I
had to do it all over again； I would live this day in exactly the same
way。 I would hold Midori tight on the roof in the rain； I would get
soaking wet with her； and I would let her fingers bring me to climax in
her bed。 I had no doubts about those things。 I loved Midori； and I was
happy that she had e back to me。 The two of us could make it； that
was certain。 As Midori herself had said； she was a real； live girl with
blood in her veins； and she was putting her warm body in my arms。 It
had been all I could do to suppress the intense desire I had to strip her
naked； throw open her body； and sink myself in her warmth。 There
was no way I could have made myself stop her once she was holding
my penis and moving her hand。 I wanted her to do it； she wanted to do
it； and we were in love。 Who could have stopped such a thing？ It was
true： I loved Midori。 And I had probably known as much for a while。 I
had just been avoiding the conclusion for a very long time。
The problem was that I could never explain these developments to
Naoko。 It would have been hard enough at any point； but with Naoko
in her present condition； there was no way I could tell her I had fallen
in love with another girl。 And besides； I still loved Naoko。 As twisted
as that love might be； I did love her。 Somewhere inside me there was
still preserved a broad； open space； untouched； for Naoko and no one
else。
One thing I could do was write a letter to Reiko that confessed
everything with total honesty。 At home； I sat on the veranda； watching
the rain pour down on the garden at night； and assembling phrases in
my head。 Then I went to my desk and wrote the letter。 It is almost
unbearable to me that I now have to write a letter like this to you； I
began。 I summarized my relationship with Midori and explained what
had happened that day。
I have always loved Naoko； and I still love her。 But there is a decisive
finality to what exists between Midori and me。 It has an irresistible
power that is bound to sweep me into the future。 What I feel for
Naoko is a tremendously quiet and gentle and transparent love； but
what I feel for Midori is a wholly different emotion。 It stands and
walks on its own； living and breathing and throbbing and shaking me
to the roots of my being。 I don't know what to do。 I'm confused。 I'm
not trying to make excuses for myself； but I do believe that I have
lived as sincerely as I know how。 I have never lied to anyone； and I
have taken care over the years not to hurt other people。 And yet I find
myself tossed into this labyrinth。 How can this be？ I can't explain it。 I
don't know what I should do。 Can you tell me； Reiko？ You're the only
one I can turn to for advice。
I posted the letter that night by special delivery。
Reiko's answer came five days later； dated 17 June。
Let me start with the good news。 Naoko has been improving far more
rapidly than anyone could have expected。 I talked to her once on the
phone； and she spoke with real lucidity。 She may even be able to e
back here before long。
Now； about you。
I think you take everything too seriously。 Loving another person is a
wonderful thing； and if that love is sincere； no one ends up tossed into
a labyrinth。 You have to have more faith in yourself。
My advice to you is very simple。 First of all； if you are drawn so
strongly to this Midori person； it is only natural for you to have fallen
in love with her。 It might go well； or it might not。 But love is like that。
When you fall in love； the natural thing to do is give yourself to it。
That's what I think。 It's just a form of sincerity。
Second； as to whether or not you should have sex with Midori； that is
for you to work out。 I can't say a thing。 Talk it over with Midori and
reach your own conclusion； one that makes sense to you。
Third； don't tell any of this to Naoko。 If things should develop to the
point where you absolutely have to tell her； then you and I will e
up with a good plan together。 So now； just keep it quiet。 Leave it to
me。
The fourth thing I have to say is that you have been such a great
source of strength for Naoko that even if you no longer have the
feelings of a lover towards her； there is still a lot you can do for her。
So don't brood over everything in that super…serious way of yours。 All
of us （by which I mean all of us； both normal and not…so…normal） are
imperfect human beings living in an imperfect world。 We don'