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in fear of every man I met。
I went on； feeling more and more chilly。 When a man is really cold his mind does not work well； and now it was blowing a keen gale from the north。 At Second and South I came plump on a policeman I knew。 He looked at me through the drifting snow； as if he was uncertain； and twice looked back after having passed me。 I turned west at Christian street。 When I looked behind me the man was standing at the corner； staring after me。 At the next turn I hurried away northward in a sort of anguish of terror。 I have said I was an uncommon person。 I am。 I am sensitive； too。 My mind is much above the average； but unless I am warm and well fed it does not act well； and I make mistakes。 At that time I was half frozen； in need of food； and absurdly scared。 Then that old fool squirming on the floor got on to my nerves。 I went on and on； and at last into Second street； until I came to Christ Church； of all places for me。 I heard the sound of the organ in the afternoon service。 I felt I must go in and get warm。 Here was another silly notion： I was afraid of hotels； but not of the church。 I reasoned vaguely that it was a dark day； and darker in the church； and so I went in at the Church Alley entrance and sat near the north door。 No one noticed me。 I sat still in a high…backed pew； well hid； and wondering what was the matter with me。 It was curious that a doctor； and a man of my intelligence； should have been long in guessing a thing so simple。
For two months I had been drinking hard； and for two days had quit； being a man capable of great self…control； and also being short of money。 Just before the benediction I saw a man near by who seemed to stare at me。 In deadly fear I got up and quickly slipped through a door into the tower room。 I said to myself； ‘‘He will follow me or wait outside。'' I stood a moment with my head all of a whirl； and then in a shiver of fear ran up the stairs to the tower until I got into the bell…ringer's room。 I was safe。 I sat down on a stool； twitching and tremulous。 There were the old books on bell…ringing； and the miniature chime of small bells for instruction。 The wind had easy entrance； and it swung the eight ropes about in a way I did not like。 I remember saying； ‘‘Oh； don't do that。'' At last I had a mad desire to ring one of the bells。 As a loop of rope swung toward me it seemed to hold a face； and this face cried out； ‘‘Come and hang yourself； then the bell will ring。''
If I slept I do not know。 I may have done so。 Certainly I must have stayed there many hours。 I was dull and confused； and yet on my guard； for when far into the night I heard noises below； I ran up the steeper steps which ascend to the steeple； where are the bells。 Half…way up I sat down on the stair。 The place was cold and the darkness deep。 Then I heard the eight ringers down below。 One said： ‘‘Never knowed a Christmas like this since Zeb Sanderaft died。 Come； boys！'' I knew it must be close on to mid… night。 Now they would play a Christmas carol。 I used every Christmas to be roused up and carried here and set on dad's shoulder。 When they were done ringing； Number Two always gave me a box of sugar…plums and a large red apple。 As they rang off； my father would cry out； ‘‘One； two；'' and so on； and then cry； ‘‘Elias； all over town people are opening windows to listen。'' I seemed to hear him as I sat in the gloom。 Then I heard； ‘‘All ready； one； two；'' and they rang the Christmas carol。 Overhead I heard the great bells ringing out：
And all the bells on earth shall ring On Christmas day； on Christmas day。
I felt suddenly excited； and began to hum the air。 Great heavens！ There was the old woman； Aunt Rachel； with her face going twitch； twitch； the croak of her breathing keeping a sort of mad time with ‘‘On Christmas day； on Christmas day。'' I jumped up。 She was gone。 I knew in a hazy sort of way what was the matter with me； but I had still the sense to sit down and wait。 I said now it would be snakes； for once before I had been almost as bad。 But what I did see was a little curly…headed boy in a white frock and pantalets； climbing up the stairs right leg first； so queer of me to have noticed that。 I knew I was that boy。 He was an innocent… looking little chap； and was smiling。 He seemed to me to grow and grow； and at last was a big； red…headed man with a live rat in his hand。 I saw nothing more； but I surely knew I needed whisky。 I waited until all was still； and got down and out； for I knew every window。 I soon found a tavern； and got a drink and some food。 At once my fear left me。 I was warm at last and clear of head； and had again my natural courage。 I was well aware that I was on the edge of delirium tremens and must be most prudent。 I paid in advance for my room and treated myself as I had done many another。 Only a man of unusual force could have managed his own case as I did。 I went out only at night； and in a week was well enough to travel。 During this time I saw now and then that grinning little fellow。 Sometimes he had an apple and was eating it。 I do not know why he was worse to me than snakes； or the twitchy old woman with her wide eyes of glass； and that jerk； jerk； to right。
I decided to go back to Boston。 I got to New York prudently in a roundabout way； and in two weeks' time was traveling east from Albany。
I felt well； and my spirits began at last to rise to their usual level。 When I arrived in Boston I set myself to thinking how best I could contrive to enjoy life and at the same time to increase my means。 I possessed sufficient capital； and was able and ready to embark in whatever promised the best returns with the smallest personal risks。 I settled myself in a suburb； paid off a few pressing claims； and began to reflect with my ordinary sagacity。
We were now in the midst of a most absurd war with the South； and it was becoming difficult to escape the net of conscription。 It might be wise to think of this in time。 Europe seemed a desirable residence； but I needed more money to make this agreeable； and an investment for my brains was what I wanted most。 Many schemes presented themselves as worthy the application of industry and talent； but none of them altogether suited my case。 I thought at times of traveling as a physiological lecturer； combining with it the business of a practitioner： scare the audience at night with an enumeration of symptoms which belong to ten out of every dozen healthy people； and then doctor such of them as are gulls enough to consult me next day。 The bigger the fright the better the pay。 I was a little timid； however； about facing large audiences； as a man will be naturally if he has lived a life of adventure； so that upon due consideration I gave up the idea altogether。
The patent medicine business also looked well enough； but it is somewhat overdone at all times； and requires a heavy outlay； with the probable result of ill success。 Indeed； I believe one hundred quack remedies fail for one that succeeds； and millions must have been wasted in placards； bills； and advertisements； which never returned half their value to the speculator。 I think I shall some day beguile my time with writing an account of the principal quack remedies which h