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〃'Eilie is mine。 I am ready to meet you where you like。'〃
He went on with a painful evenness of speech。 〃When I read those
words； I had only one thoughtto reach them； I ran down to the
river； and chose out the lightest boat。 Just as I was starting； Tor
came running。 'You dropped this letter； sir；' be said。 'Two pair of
arms are better than one。' He came into the boat。 I took the sculls
and I pulled out into the stream。 I pulled like a madman； and that
great man； with his bare arms crossed； was like a huge； tawny bull
sitting there opposite me。 Presently he took my place； and I took
the rudder lines。 I could see his chest； covered with hair； heaving
up and down； it gave me a sort of comfortit meant that we were
getting nearer。 Then it grew dark； there was no moon； I could barely
see the bank； there's something in the dark which drives one into
oneself。 People tell you there comes a moment when your nature is
decided'saved' or 'lost' as they call itfor good or evil。 That
is not true； your self is always with you； and cannot be altered；
but； sir； I believe that in a time of agony one finds out what are
the things one can do； and what are those one cannot。 You get to
know yourself； that's all。 And so it was with me。 Every thought and
memory and passion was so clear and strong！ I wanted to kill him。 I
wanted to kill myself。 But herno！ We are taught that we possess
our wives； body and soul； we are brought up in that faith； we are
commanded to believe itbut when I was face to face with it； those
words had no meaning； that belief； those commands； they were without
meaning to me； they werevile。 Oh yes； I wanted to find comfort in
them； I wanted to hold on to thembut I couldn't。 You may force a
body； how can you force a soul？ No； nocowardly！ But I wanted to
I wanted to kill him and force her to come back to me！ And then；
suddenly； I felt as if I were pressing right on the most secret nerve
of my heart。 I seemed to see her face； white and quivering； as if
I'd stamped my heel on it。 They say this world is ruled by force； it
may be trueI know I have a weak spot in me。。。。 I couldn't bear it。
At last I Jumped to my feet and shouted out； 'Turn the boat round！'
Tor looked up at me as if I had gone mad。 And I had gone mad。 I
seized the boat…hook and threatened him； I called him fearful names。
'Sir；' he said； 'I don't take such names from any one！' 'You'll take
them from me；' I shouted； 'turn the boat round； you idiot； you hound；
you fish！。。。' I have a terrible temper； a perfect curse to me。 He
seemed amazed； even frightened； he sat down again suddenly and pulled
the boat round。 I fell on the seat； and hid my face。 I believe the
moon came up； there must have been a mist too； for I was cold as
death。 In this life； sir； we cannot hide our facesbut by degrees
the pain of wounds grows less。 Some will have it that such blows are
mortal； it is not so。 Time is merciful。
〃In the early morning I went back to London。 I had fever on meand
was delirious。 I dare say I should have killed myself if I had not
been so used to weaponsthey and I were too old friends； I suppose
I can't explain。 It was a long while before I was up and about。
Dalton nursed me through it； his great heavy moustache had grown
quite white。 We never mentioned her； what was the good？ There were
things to settle of course； the lawyerthis was unspeakably
distasteful to me。 I told him it was to be as she wished； but the
fellow would come to me； with histhere； I don't want to be unkind。
I wished him to say it was my fault； but he saidI remember his
smile nowhe said； that was impossible； would be seen through；
talked of collusionI don't understand these things； and what's
more； I can't bear them； they aredirty。
〃Two years later； when I had come back to London； after the Russo…
Turkish war； I received a letter from her。 I have it here。〃 He took
an old； yellow sheet of paper out of a leathern pocketbook； spread it
in his fingers； and sat staring at it。 For some minutes he did not
speak。
〃In the autumn of that same year she died in childbirth。 He had
deserted her。 Fortunately for him； he was killed on the Indian
frontier； that very year。 If she had lived she would have been
thirty…two next June； not a great age。。。。 I know I am what they call
a crank； doctors will tell you that you can't be cured of a bad
illness； and be the same man again。 If you are bent； to force
yourself straight must leave you weak in another place。 I must and
will think well of womeneverything done； and everything said
against them is a stone on her dead body。 Could you sit； and listen
to it？〃 As though driven by his own question； he rose； and paced up
and down。 He came back to the seat at last。
〃That； sir； is the reason of my behaviour this afternoon； and again
this evening。 You have been so kind； I wanted！wanted to tell you。
She had a little daughterLucy has her now。 My friend Dalton is
dead； there would have been no difficulty about money； but； I am
sorry to say； that he was swindleddisgracefully。 It fell to me to
administer his affairshe never knew it； but he died penniless； he
had trusted some wretched fellowshad an idea they would make his
fortune。 As I very soon found； they had ruined him。 It was
impossible to let Lucysuch a dear womanbear that burden。 I have
tried to make provision； but； you see；〃 he took hold of my sleeve；
〃I； too； have not been fortunate； in fact； it's difficult to save a
great deal out of L 190 a year； but the capital is perfectly safe
and I get L 47； 10s。 a quarter； paid on the nail。 I have often been
tempted to reinvest at a greater rate of interest； but I've never
dared。 Anyway； there are no debtsI've been obliged to make a rule
not to buy what I couldn't pay for on the spot。。。。 Now I am really
plaguing youbut I wanted to tell youin case…anything should
happen to me。〃 He seemed to take a sudden scare； stiffened； twisted
his moustache； and muttering； 〃Your great kindness！ Shall never
forget！〃 turned hurriedly away。
He vanished； his footsteps； and the tap of his stick grew fainter and
fainter。 They died out。 He was gone。 Suddenly I got up and
hastened after him。 I soon stoppedwhat was there to say？
VIII
The following day I was obliged to go to Nice； and did not return
till midnight。 The porter told me that Jules le Ferrier had been to
see me。 The next morning； while I was still in bed； the door was
opened； and Jules appeared。 His face was very pale； and the moment
he stood still drops of perspiration began coursing down his cheeks。
〃Georges！〃 he said； 〃he is dead。 There； there！ How stupid you look！
My man is packing。 I have half an hour before the train； my evidence
shall come from Italy。 I have done my part； the rest is for you。
Why did you have that dinner？ The Don Quixote！ The idiot！ The poor
man！ Don't move！ Have you a cigar？ Listen！ When you followe