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itif one does not want to believe a thing there are always reasons
why it should not seem true； at least so it is with me； and I suppose
with all selfish men。
〃I spent evening after evening there； when； if I had not thought only
of myself； I should have kept away。 But one day I could no longer be
blind。
〃It was a Sunday in February。 I always had an invitation on Sundays
to dine with them in the middle of the day。 There was no one in the
sitting…room； but the door of Eilie's bedroom was open。 I heard her
voice： 'That man； always that man！' It was enough for me； I went
down again without coming in； and walked about all day。
〃For three weeks I kept away。 To the school of course I came as
usual； but not upstairs。 I don't know what I told Daltonit did not
signify what you told him； he always had a theory of his own； and was
persuaded of its trutha very single…minded man； sir。
〃But now I come to the most wonderful days of my life。 It was an
early spring that year。 I had fallen away already from my
resolution； and used to slink upseldom； it's trueand spend the
evening with them as before。 One afternoon I came up to the sitting…
room； the light was failingit was warm； and the windows were open。
In the air was that feeling which comes to you once a year； in the
spring； no matter where you may be； in a crowded street； or alone in
a forest； only oncea feeling likebut I cannot describe it。
〃Eilie was sitting there。 If you don't know； sir； I can't tell you
what it means to be near the woman one loves。 She was leaning on the
windowsill； staring down into the street。 It was as though she might
be looking out for some one。 I stood； hardly breathing。 She turned
her head； and saw me。 Her eyes were strange。 They seemed to ask me
a question。 But I couldn't have spoken for the world。 I can't tell
you what I feltI dared not speak； or think； or hope。 I have been
in nineteen battlesseveral times in positions of some danger； when
the lifting of a finger perhaps meant death； but I have never felt
what I was feeling at that moment。 I knew something was coming； and
I was paralysed with terror lest it should not come！〃 He drew a long
breath。
〃The servant came in with a light and broke the spell。 All that
night I lay awake and thought of how she had looked at me； with the
colour coming slowly up in her cheeks
〃It was three days before I plucked up courage to go again； and then
I felt her eyes on me at onceshe was making a 'cat's cradle' with a
bit of string； but I could see them stealing up from her hands to my
face。 And she went wandering about the room； fingering at
everything。 When her father called out： 'What's the matter with you；
Elie？' she stared at him like a child caught doing wrong。 I looked
straight at her then； she tried to look at me； but she couldn't； and
a minute later she went out of the room。 God knows what sort of
nonsense I talkedI was too happy。
〃Then began our love。 I can't tell you of that time。 Often and
often Dalton said to me： 'What's come to the child？ Nothing I can do
pleases her。' All the love she had given him was now for me； but he
was too simple and straight to see what was going on。 How many times
haven't I felt criminal towards him！ But when you're happy； with the
tide in your favour； you become a coward at once。。。。
V
〃Well； sir；〃 he went on； 〃we were married on her eighteenth birthday。
It was a long time before Dalton became aware of our love。 But one
day he said to me with a very grave look：
〃'Eilie has told me； Brune； I forbid it。 She's too young； and
you'retoo old！' I was then forty…five； my hair as black and thick
as a rook's feathers； and I was strong and active。 I answered him：
'We shall be married within a month！' We parted in anger。 It was a
May night； and I walked out far into the country。 There's no remedy
for anger； or； indeed； for anything； so fine as walking。 Once I
stoppedit was on a common； without a house or light； and the stars
shining like jewels。 I was hot from walking； I could feel the blood
boiling in my veinsI said to myself 'Old； are you？' And I laughed
like a fool。 It was the thought of losing herI wished to believe
myself angry； but really I was afraid； fear and anger in me are very
much the same。 A friend of mine； a bit of a poet； sir； once called
them 'the two black wings of self。' And so they are； so they are。。。！
The next morning I went to Dalton again； and somehow I made him
yield。 I'm not a philosopher； but it has often seemed to me that no
benefit can come to us in this life without an equal loss somewhere；
but does that stop us？ No； sir； not often。。。。
〃We were married on the 3oth of June 1876； in the parish church。 The
only people present were Dalton； Lucy； and Lucy's husbanda big；
red…faced fellow； with blue eyes and a golden beard parted in two。
It had been arranged that we should spend the honeymoon down at their
inn on the river。 My wife； Dalton and I； went to a restaurant for
lunch。 She was dressed in grey； the colour of a pigeon's feathers。〃
He paused； leaning forward over the crutch handle of his stick；
trying to conjure up； no doubt； that long…ago image of his young
bride in her dress 〃the colour of a pigeon's feathers；〃 with her blue
eyes and yellow hair； the little frown between her brows； the firmly
shut red lips； opening to speak the words； 〃For better； for worse；
for richer； for poorer； in sickness and in health。〃
〃At that time； sir；〃 he went on suddenly； 〃I was a bit of a dandy。 I
wore； I remember； a blue frock…coat； with white trousers； and a grey
top hat。 Even now I should always prefer to be well dressed。。。。
〃We had an excellent lunch； and drank Veuve Clicquot； a wine that you
cannot get in these days！ Dalton came with us to the railway
station。 I can't bear partings； and yet； they must come。
〃That evening we walked out in the cool under the aspen…trees。 What
should I remember in all my life if not that nightthe young
bullocks snuffling in the gatewaysthe campion flowers all lighted
up along the hedgesthe moon with a halo…bats； too； in and out among
the stems； and the shadows of the cottages as black and soft as that
sea down there。 For a long time we stood on the river…bank beneath a
lime…tree。 The scent of the lime flowers！ A man can only endure
about half his joy； about half his sorrow。 Lucy and her husband；〃 he
went on； presently； 〃his name was Frank Tora man like an old
Viking； who ate nothing but milk； bread； and fruitwere very good to
us！ It was like Paradise in that innthough the commissariat； I am
bound to say； was limited。 The sweetbriar grew round our bedroom
windows； when the breeze blew the leaves across the openingit was
like a bath of perfume。 Eilie grew as brown as a gipsy while we were
there。 I don't think any man could have loved her more than I did。
But there were times when my heart stood still； it didn't seem