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But I don't believe that life was meant to 'be good' in。 Isn't there
anything better than being good？ When I'm 'good；' I simply feel
wicked。〃 She reached up； caught a flower from the hedge； and slowly
tore its petals。
〃What would you do；〃 she muttered； 〃if you wanted a thing； but were
afraid of it？ But I suppose you're never afraid！〃 she added； mocking
me。 I admitted that I was sometimes afraid； and often afraid of
being afraid。
〃That's nice！ I'm not afraid of illness； nor of grandfather； nor of
his God； butI want to be free。 If you want a thing badly； you're
afraid about it。〃
I thought of Zachary Pearse's words； 〃free as a man。〃
〃Why are you looking at me like that？〃 she said。
I stammered： 〃What do you mean by freedom？〃
〃Do you know what I shall do to…night？〃 she answered。 〃Get out of my
window by the apple…tree； and go to the woods； and play！〃
We were going down a steep lane； along the side of a wood； where
there's always a smell of sappy leaves； and the breath of the cows
that come close to the hedge to get the shade。
There was a cottage in the bottom； and a small boy sat outside
playing with a heap of dust。
〃Hallo； Johnny！〃 said Pasiance。 〃Hold your leg out and show this man
your bad place！〃 The small boy undid a bandage round his bare and
dirty little leg； and proudly revealed a sore。
〃Isn't it nasty？〃 cried Pasiance ruefully； tying up the bandage
again； 〃poor little feller！ Johnny； see what I've brought you！〃 She
produced from her pocket a stick of chocolate； the semblance of a
soldier made of sealing…wax and worsted； and a crooked sixpence。
It was a new glimpse of her。 All the way home she was telling me the
story of little Johnny's family； when she came to his mother's death；
she burst out： 〃A beastly shame； wasn't it； and they're so poor； it
might just as well have been somebody else。 I like poor people； but
I hate rich onesstuck…up beasts。〃
Mrs。 Hopgood was looking over the gate； with her cap on one side； and
one of Pasiance's cats rubbing itself against her skirts。 At the
sight of us she hugged herself。
〃Where's grandfather？〃 asked Pasiance。 The old lady shook her head。
〃Is it a row？〃 Mrs。 Hopgood wriggled； and wriggled； and out came：
〃Did you get yure tay； my pretty？ No？ Well； that's a pity； yu'll be
falin' low…like。〃
Pasiance tossed her head； snatched up the cat； and ran indoors。 I
remained staring at Mrs。 Hopgood。
〃Dear…dear；〃 she clucked；〃 poor lamb。 So to spake it's〃 and she
blurted out suddenly； 〃chuckin' full of wra…ath； he is。 Well；
there！〃
My courage failed that evening。 I spent it at the coastguard
station； where they gave me bread and cheese and some awful cider。 I
passed the kitchen as I came back。 A fire was still burning there；
and two figures； misty in the darkness； flitted about with stealthy
laughter like spirits afraid of being detected in a carnal…meal。
They were Pasiance and Mrs。 Hopgood； and so charming was the smell of
eggs and bacon； and they had such an air of tender enjoyment of this
dark revel； that I stifled many pangs； as I crept hungry up to bed。
In the middle of the night I woke and heard what I thought was
screaming； then it sounded like wind in trees； then like the distant
shaking of a tambourine； with the high singing of a human voice。
Suddenly it stoppedtwo long notes came wailing out like sobsthen
utter stillness； and though I listened for an hour or more there was
no other sound 。。。。
IV
〃4th August 。
。。。。。。For three days after I wrote last； nothing at all happened
here。 I spent the mornings on the cliff reading； and watching the
sun…sparks raining on the sea。 It's grand up there with the gorse
all round； the gulls basking on the rocks； the partridges calling in
the corn； and now and then a young hawk overhead。 The afternoons I
spent out in the orchard。 The usual routine goes on at the farm all
the timecow…milking； bread…baking； John Ford riding in and out；
Pasiance in her garden stripping lavender； talking to the farm hands；
and the smell of clover； and cows and hay； the sound of hens and pigs
and pigeons； the soft drawl of voices； the dull thud of the farm
carts； and day by day the apples getting redder。 Then； last Monday；
Pasiance was away from sunrise till sunsetnobody saw her gonobody
knew where she had gone。 It was a wonderful； strange day； a sky of
silver…grey and blue； with a drift of wind…clouds； all the trees
sighing a little； the sea heaving in a long； low swell； the animals
restless； the birds silent； except the gulls with their old man's
laughter and kitten's mewing。
A something wild was in the air； it seemed to sweep across the downs
and combe； into the very house； like a passionate tune that comes
drifting to your ears when you're sleepy。 But who would have thought
the absence of that girl for a few hours could have wrought such
havoc！ We were like uneasy spirits； Mrs。 Hopgood's apple cheeks
seemed positively to wither before one's eyes。 I came across a
dairymaid and farm hand discussing it stolidly with very downcast
faces。 Even Hopgood； a hard…bitten fellow with immense shoulders；
forgot his imperturbability so far as to harness his horse； and
depart on what he assured me was 〃just a wild…guse chaace。〃 It was
long before John Ford gave signs of noticing that anything was wrong；
but late in the afternoon I found him sitting with his hands on his
knees； staring straight before him。 He rose heavily when he saw me；
and stalked out。 In the evening； as I was starting for the
coastguard station to ask for help to search the cliff； Pasiance
appeared； walking as if she could hardly drag one leg after the
other。 Her cheeks were crimson； she was biting her lips to keep
tears of sheer fatigue out of her eyes。 She passed me in the doorway
without a word。 The anxiety he had gone through seemed to forbid the
old man from speaking。 He just came forward； took her face in his
hands； gave it a great kiss； and walked away。 Pasiance dropped on
the floor in the dark passage； and buried her face on her arms。
〃Leave me alone！〃 was all she would say。 After a bit she dragged
herself upstairs。 Presently Mrs。 Hopgood came to me。
〃Not a word out of heran' not a bite will she ate； an' I had a pie
all readyscrumptious。 The good Lord knows the truthshe asked for
brandy； have you any brandy； sir？ Ha…apgood'e don't drink it； an'
Mister Ford 'e don't allaow for anything but caowslip wine。〃
I had whisky。
The good soul seized the flask； and went off hugging it。 She
returned it to me half empty。
〃Lapped it like a kitten laps milk。 I misdaoubt it's straong； poor
lamb； it lusened 'er tongue praaperly。 'I've a…done it；' she says to
me； 'Mums…I've a…done it；' an' she laughed like a mad thing； and
then； sir； she cried； an' kissed me； an' pusshed me thru the door。
Gude Lard！ What is 't she's a…done。。。？〃
It