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same trustyet it sometimes seems as if I were a criminal in loving
you。 You know what he thinkshe is too honest not to have shown
you。 He has talked to me； he likes you in a way； but you are a
foreignerhe says…your life is not my life。 'He is not the man for
you！' Those were his words。 And now he doesn't talk to me； but when
I am in the room he looks at methat's worsea thousand times； when
he talks it rouses me to fightwhen it's his eyes only； I'm a coward
at once； I feel I would do anything； anything； only not to hurt him。
Why can't he see？ Is it because he's old and we are young？ He may
consent； but he will never； never see； it will always hurt him。
〃I want to tell you everything； I have had worse thoughts than these…
…sometimes I have thought that I should never have the courage to
face the struggle which you have to face。 Then I feel quite broken；
it is like something giving way in me。 Then I think of you； and it
is over； but it has been there； and I am ashamedI told you I was a
coward。 It's like the feeling one would have going out into a storm
on a dark night； away from a warm fireonly of the spirit not the
bodywhich makes it worse。 I had to tell you this； you mustn't
think of it again； I mean to fight it away and forget that it has
ever been there。 But Uncle Nicwhat am I to do？ I hate myself
because I am young； and he is old and weaksometimes I seem even to
hate him。 I have all sorts of thoughts； and always at the end of
them； like a dark hole at the end of a passage； the thought that I
ought to give you up。 Ought I？ Tell me。 I want to know； I want to
do what is right； I still want to do that； though sometimes I think I
am all made of evil。
〃Do you remember once when we were talking； you said： 'Nature always
has an answer for every question； you cannot get an answer from laws；
conventions； theories； words； only from Nature。' What do you say to
me now； do you tell me it is Nature to come to you in spite of
everything； and so； that it must be right？ I think you would； but
can it be Nature to do something which will hurt terribly one whom I
love and who loves me？ If it isNature is cruel。 Is that one of
the 'lessons of life'？ Is that what Aunt Constance means when she
says： 'If life were not a paradox； we could not get on at all'？ I am
beginning to see that everything has its dark side； I never believed
that before。
〃Uncle Nic dreads the life for me； he doesn't understand （how should
he？he has always had money） how life can be tolerable without money
it is horrible that the accident of money should make such
difference in our lives。 I am sometimes afraid myself； and I can't
outface that fear in him； he sees the shadow of his fear in mehis
eyes seem to see everything that is in me now； the eyes of old people
are the saddest things in the world。 I am writing like a wretched
coward； but you will never see this letter I suppose； and so it
doesn't matter； but if you do； and I pray that you maywell； if I am
only worth taking at my best； I am not worth taking at all。 I want
you to know the worst of meyou； and no one else。
〃With Uncle Nic it is not as with my stepfather； his opposition only
makes me angry； mad； ready to do anything； but with Uncle Nic I feel
so bruisedso sore。 He said： 'It is not so much the money； because
there is always mine。' I could never do a thing he cannot bear； and
take his money； and you would never let me。 One knows very little of
anything in the world till trouble comes。 You know how it is with
flowers and trees； in the early spring they look so quiet and self…
contained； then all in a moment they changeI think it must be like
that with the heart。 I used to think I knew a great deal； understood
why and how things came about； I thought self…possession and reason
so easy； now I know nothing。 And nothing in the world matters but to
see you and hide away from that look in Uncle Nic's eyes。 Three
months ago I did not know you； now I write like this。 Whatever I
look at； I try to see as you would see； I feel； now you are away even
more than when you were with me； what your thoughts would be； how you
would feel about this or that。 Some things you have said seem always
in my mind like lights〃
A slanting drift of rain was striking the veranda tiles with a cold；
ceaseless hissing。 Christian shut the window； and went into her
uncle's room。
He was lying with closed eyes； growling at Dominique； who moved about
noiselessly； putting the room ready for the night。 When he had
finished； and with a compassionate bow had left the room； Mr。 Treffry
opened his eyes； and said：
〃This is beastly stuff of the doctor's； Chris； it puts my monkey up；
I can't help swearing after I've taken it； it's as beastly as a
vulgar woman's laugh； and I don't know anything beastlier than that！〃
〃I have a letter from Greta； Uncle Nic； shall I read it？〃
He nodded； and Christian read the letter； leaving out the mention of
Harz； and for some undefined reason the part about Sarelli。
〃Ay！〃 said Mr。 Treffry with a feeble laugh； 〃Greta and her money！
Send her some more； Chris。 Wish I were a youngster again； that's a
beast of a proverb about a dog and his day。 I'd like to go fishing
again in the West Country！ A fine time we had when we were
youngsters。 You don't get such times these days。 'Twasn't often the
fishing…smacks went out without us。 We'd watch their lights from our
bedroom window； when they were swung aboard we were out and down to
the quay before you could say 'knife。' They always waited for us；
but your Uncle Dan was the favourite； he was the chap for luck。 When
I get on my legs； we might go down there； you and I？ For a bit； just
to see？ What d'you say； old girl？〃
Their eyes met。
〃I'd like to look at the smack lights going to sea on a dark night；
pity you're such a duffer in a boatwe might go out with them。 Do
you a power of good！ You're not looking the thing； my dear。〃
His voice died wistfully； and his glance； sweeping her face； rested
on her hands； which held and twisted Greta's letter。 After a minute
or two of silence he boomed out again with sudden energy：
〃Your aunt'll want to come and sit with me； after dinner； don't let
her； Chris； I can't stand it。 Tell her I'm asleepthe doctor'll be
here directly； ask him to make up some humbug for youit's his
business。〃
He was seized by a violent fit of pain which seemed to stab his
breath away； and when it was over signed that he would be left alone。
Christian went back to her letter in the other room； and had written
these words； when the gong summoned her to dinner：
'I'm like a leaf in the wind； I put out my hand to one thing； and
it's seized and twisted and flung aside。 I want youI want you； if
I could see you I think I should know what to do〃
XXII
The rain drove with increasing fury。 The night was very black。
Nicholas Treffry slept heavily。