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Christian nodded。
〃To work in the schools after that I had to give up my business； of
course。 There was only one teacher who ever taught me anything； the
others all seemed fools。 This man would come and rub out what you'd
done with his sleeve。 I used to cry with ragebut I told him I
could only learn from him； and he was so astonished that he got me
into his class。〃
〃But how did you live without money？〃 asked Christian。
His face burned with a dark flush。 〃I don't know how I lived； you
must have been through these things to know； you would never
understand。〃
〃But I want to understand； please。〃
〃What do you want me to tell you？ How I went twice a week to eat
free dinners！ How I took charity！ How I was hungry！ There was a
rich cousin of my mother'sI used to go to him。 I didn't like it。
But if you're starving in the winter〃
Christian put out her hand。
〃I used to borrow apronsful of coals from other students who were as
poorbut I never went to the rich students。〃
The flush had died out of his face。
〃That sort of thing makes you hate the world！ You work till you
stagger； you're cold and hungry； you see rich people in their
carriages； wrapped in furs； and all the time you want to do something
great。 You pray for a chance； any chance； nothing comes to the poor！
It makes you hate the world。〃
Christian's eyes filled with tears。 He went on：
〃But I wasn't the only one in that condition； we used to meet。
Garin； a Russian with a brown beard and patches of cheek showing
through； and yellow teeth； who always looked hungry。 Paunitz； who
came from sympathy！ He had fat cheeks and little eyes； and a big
gold chainthe swine！ And little Misek。 It was in his room we met；
with the paper peeling off the walls； and two doors with cracks in
them； so that there was always a draught。 We used to sit on his bed；
and pull the dirty blankets over us for warmth； and smoketobacco
was the last thing we ever went without。 Over the bed was a Virgin
and ChildMisek was a very devout Catholic； but one day when he had
had no dinner and a dealer had kept his picture without paying him；
he took the image and threw it on the floor before our eyes； it
broke； and he trampled on the bits。 Lendorf was another； a heavy
fellow who was always puffing out his white cheeks and smiting
himself； and saying： 'Cursed society！' And Schonborn； an aristocrat
who had quarrelled with his family。 He was the poorest of us all；
but only he and I would ever have dared to do anythingthey all knew
that！〃
Christian listened with awe。 〃Do you mean？〃 she said； 〃do you mean；
that you？〃
〃You see！ you're afraid of me at once。 It's impossible even for you
to understand。 It only makes you afraid。 A hungry man living on
charity； sick with rage and shame； is a wolf even to you！〃
Christian looked straight into his eyes。
〃That's not true。 If I can't understand； I can feel。 Would you be
the same now if it were to come again？〃
〃Yes； it drives me mad even now to think of people fatted with
prosperity； sneering and holding up their hands at poor devils who
have suffered ten times more than the most those soft animals could
bear。 I'm older； I've livedI know things can't be put right by
violencenothing will put things right； but that doesn't stop my
feeling。〃
〃Did you do anything？ You must tell me all now。〃
〃We talkedwe were always talking。〃
〃No； tell me everything！〃
Unconsciously she claimed； and he seemed unconsciously to admit her
right to this knowledge。
〃There's not much to tell。 One day we began talking in low voices
Garin began it； he had been in some affair in Russia。 We took an
oath； after that we never raised our voices。 We had a plan。 It was
all new to me； and I hated the whole thingbut I was always hungry；
or sick from taking charity； and I would have done anything。 They
knew that； they used to look at me and Schonborn； we knew that no one
else had any courage。 He and I were great friends； but we never
talked of that； we tried to keep our minds away from the thought of
it。 If we had a good day and were not so hungry； it seemed
unnatural； but when the day had not been goodthen it seemed natural
enough。 I wasn't afraid； but I used to wake up in the night； I hated
the oath we had taken； I hated every one of those fellows； the thing
was not what I was made for； it wasn't my work； it wasn't my nature；
it was forced on meI hated it； but sometimes I was like a madman。〃
〃Yes； yes；〃 she murmured。
〃All this time I was working at the Academie； and learning all I
could。。。。 One evening that we met； Paunitz was not there。 Misek was
telling us how the thing had been arranged。 Schonborn and I looked
at each otherit was warmperhaps we were not hungryit was
springtime； too； and in the Spring it's different。 There is
something。〃
Christian nodded。
〃While we were talking there came a knock at the door。 Lendorf put
his eye to the keyhole； and made a sign。 The police were there。
Nobody said anything； but Misek crawled under the bed； we all
followed； and the knocking grew louder and louder。 In the wall at
the back of the bed was a little door into an empty cellar。 We crept
through。 There was a trap…door behind some cases； where they used to
roll barrels in。 We crawled through that into the back street。 We
went different ways。〃
He paused； and Christian gasped。
〃I thought I would get my money； but there was a policeman before my
door。 They had us finely。 It was Paunitz； if I met him even now I
should wring his neck。 I swore I wouldn't be caught； but I had no
idea where to go。 Then I thought of a little Italian barber who used
to shave me when I had money for a shave； I knew he would help。 He
belonged to some Italian Society； he often talked to me； under his
breath； of course。 I went to him。 He was shaving himself before
going to a ball。 I told him what had happened； it was funny to see
him put his back against the door。 He was very frightened；
understanding this sort of thing better than I didfor I was only
twenty then。 He shaved my head and moustache and put me on a fair
wig。 Then he brought me macaroni； and some meat； to eat。 He gave me
a big fair moustache； and a cap； and hid the moustache in the lining。
He brought me a cloak of his own； and four gulden。 All the time he
was extremely frightened； and kept listening； and saying： 'Eat！'
〃When I had done； he just said： 'Go away； I refuse to know anything
more of you。'
〃I thanked him and went out。 I walked about all that night； for I
couldn't think of anything to do or anywhere to go。 In the morning I
slept on a seat in one of the squares。 Then I thought I would go to
the Gallerien； and I spent the whole day looking at the pictures。
When the Galleries were shut I was very tired； so I went into a cafe；
and had some beer。 When I came out I sat on the same seat