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soul； of life eternalas if all that counted for anything when I had
seen Thais！ Why did I not feel that blessed eternity was in a single
kiss of that woman； and that without her life was senseless； and no
more than an evil dream？ Oh； stupid fool！ thou hast seen her； and thou
hast desired the good things of the other world！ Oh； coward！ thou hast
seen her； and thou hast feared God！ God！ heaven！ what are they？ And
what have they to offer thee which are worth the least tittle of that
which she would have given thee？ Oh； miserable； senseless fool； who
sought divine goodness elsewhere than on the lips of Thais！ What hand
was upon thy eyes？ Cursed be he who blinded thee then！ Thou couldst
have bought； at the price of thy damnation； one moment of her love；
and thou hast not done it！ She opened to thee her armsflesh mingled
with the perfume of flowersand thou wast not engulfed in the
unspeakable enchantments of her unveiled breast。 Thou hast listened to
the jealous voice which said to thee； 'Refrain！' Dupe； dupe； miserable
dupe！ Oh； regrets！ Oh； remorse！ Oh； despair！ Not to have the joy to
carry to hell the memory of that never…to…be…forgotten hour； and to
cry to God； 'Burn my flesh； dry up all the blood in my veins； break
all my bones； thou canst not take from me the remembrance which
sweetens and refreshes me for ever and ever！' 。 。 。 Thais is dying！
Preposterous God； if thou knewest how I laugh at Thy hell！ Thais is
dying； and she will never be minenever！ never！〃
And as the boat came down the river with the current； he remained
whole days lying on his face； and repeating
〃Never！ never！ never！〃
Then； at the idea that she had given herself to others； and not to
him； that she had poured forth an ocean of love； and he had not wetted
his lips therein； he stood up； savagely wild； and howled with grief。
He tore his breast with his nails； and bit the flesh of his arms。 He
thought
〃If I could but kill all those she has loved！〃
The idea of these murders filled him with delicious fury。 He dreamed
of killing Nicias slowly and leisurely； looking him full in the eyes
whilst he murdered him。 Then suddenly his fury melted away。 He wept；
he sobbed。 He became feeble and meek。 An unknown tenderness softened
his soul。 He longed to throw his arms round the neck of the companion
of his childhood and say to him； 〃Nicias； I love thee； because thou
hast loved her。 Talk to me about her。 Tell me what she said to thee。〃
And still； without ceasing； the iron of that phrase entered into his
soul〃Thais is dying！〃
〃Light of day； silvery shadows of night stars； heavens； trees with
trembling crests； savage beasts； domestic animals； all the anxious
souls of men； do you not hear？ 'Thais is dying！' Disappear； ye lights；
breezes； and perfumes！ Hide yourselves； ye shapes and thoughts of the
universe！ 'Thais is dying！' She was the beauty of the world； and all
that drew near to her grew fairer in the reflection of her grace。 The
old man and the sages who sat near her； at the banquet at Alexandria；
how pleasant they were； and how fascinating was their conversation！ A
host of brilliant thoughts sprang to their lips； and all their ideas
were steeped in pleasure。 And it was because the breath of Thais was
on them that all they said was love； beauty； truth。 A delightful
impiety lent its grace to their discourse。 They thoroughly expressed
all human splendour。 Alas！ all that is but a dream。 Thais is dying！
Oh； how easy it will be to me to die of her death！ But canst thou only
die； withered embryo； fetus steeped in gall and scalding tears？
Miserable abortion； dost thou think thou canst taste death； thou who
hast never known life？ If only God exists； that he may damn me。 I hope
for itI wish it。 God； I hate Theedost Thou hear？ Overwhelm me with
Thy damnation。 To compel Thee to； I spit in Thy face。 I must find an
eternal hell； to exhaust the eternity of rage which consumes me。〃
*****
The next day； at dawn； Albina received the Abbot of Antinoe at the
nunnery。
〃Thou art welcome to our tabernacles of peace； venerable father； for
no doubt； thou comest to bless the saint thou hast given us。 Thou
knowest that God； in his mercy； has called her to Him； how couldst
thou fail to know tidings that the angels have carried from desert to
desert？ It is true that Thais is about to meet her blessed death。 Her
labours are accomplished； and I ought to inform thee； in a few words；
as to her conduct whilst she was still amongst us。 After thy
departure； when she was confined in a cell sealed with thy seal； I
sent her； with her food； a flute； similar to those which girls of her
profession play at banquets。 I did that to prevent her from falling
into a melancholy mood； and that she should not show less skill and
talent before God than she had shown before men。 In this I showed
prudence and foresight； for all day long Thais praised the Lord upon
the flute； and the virgins； who were attracted by the sound of this
invisible flute； said； 'We hear the nightingale of the heavenly
groves； the dying swan of Jesus crucified。' Thus did Thais perform her
penance； when； after sixty days； the door which thou hadst sealed
opened of itself； and the clay seal was broken without being touched
by any human hand。 By that sign I knew that the trial thou hadst
imposed upon her was at an end； and that God had pardoned the sins of
the flute…player。 From that time she has shared the ordinary life of
my nuns； working and praying with them。 She was an example to them by
the modesty of her acts and words； and seemed like a statue of purity
amongst them。 Sometimes she was sad； but those clouds soon passed。
When I saw that she was really drawn towards God by faith； hope； and
love； I did not hesitate to employ her talent； and even her beauty；
for the improvement of her sisters。 I asked her to represent before us
the actions of the famous women and wise virgins of the Scriptures。
She acted Esther； Deborah； Judith； Mary； the sister of Lazarus； and
Mary； the mother of Jesus。 I know； venerable father； that thy austere
mind is alarmed at the idea of these performances。 But thou thyself
wouldest have been touched if thou hadst seen her in these pious
scenes； shedding real tears； and raising to heaven arms graceful as
palm leaves。 I have long governed a community of women； and I make it
a rule never to oppose their nature。 All seeds give not the same
flowers。 Not all souls are sanctified in the same way。 It must also
not be forgotten that Thais gave herself to God whilst she was still
beautiful； and such a sacrifice is； if not unexampled； at least very
rare。 This beautyher natural vesturehas not left her during the
three months' fever of which she is dying。 As； during her illness； she
has incessantly asked to see the sky； I have her carried every morning
into the courtyard； near the well； under the old fig tree； in the
shade of which the abbesses of this convent are accustomed to hold
their meetings。 Thou wilt find her there； venerable father； but
hasten； for God calls her； and this night a shroud will cover that
face which God made both to shame and to edify this world。〃
Paphnutius followed her into a courtyard flooded