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departure； in this abode I have chosen。 There is my table and my bed。
There is the mummy's head which has so often inspired me with salutary
thoughts； and there is the book in which I have so often sought
conceptions of God。 And yet nothing that I left is here。 The things
appear grievously despoiled of their customary charm； and it seems to
me as though I saw them to…day for the first time。 When I look at that
table and couch； that in former days I made with my own hands； that
black； dried head； these rolls of papyrus filled with the sayings of
God； I seem to see the belongings of a dead man。 After having known
them all so well； I know them no longer。 Alas！ since nothing around me
has really changed； it is I who am no longer what I was。 I am another。
I am the dead man！ What has happened； my God？ What has been taken from
me？ What is left unto me？ And who am I？〃
And it especially perplexed him to find； in spite of himself； that his
cell was small； whereas； when viewed by the eye of faith； he ought to
consider it immense； because the infinitude of God began there。
He began to pray； with his face against the ground； and felt a little
happier。 He had hardly been an hour in prayer； when a vision of Thais
passed before his eyes。 He returned thanks to God
〃Jesus！ it is Thou who hast sent her。 I acknowledge in that Thy
wonderful goodness； Thou wouldst please me； reassure me and comfort me
by the sight of her whom I have given to Thee。 Thou； presentest her to
my eyes with her smile now disarmed； her grace； now become innocent；
her beauty from which I have extracted the sting。 To please me； my
God； thou showest her to me as I have prepared and purified her for
Thy designs； as one friend pleasantly reminds another of the rich gift
he has received from him。 Therefore I see this woman with delight；
being assured that the vision comes from Thee。 Thou dost not forget
that I have given her to Thee； Jesus。 Keep her； since she pleases
Thee； and suffer not her beauty to give joy to any but Thyself。〃
He could not sleep all night； and he saw Thais more distinctly than he
had seen her in the Grotto of Nymphs。 He commended himself； saying
〃What I have done； I have done to the glory of God。〃
Yet； to his great surprise； his heart was not at ease。 He sighed。
〃Why art thou sad； O my soul； and why dost thou trouble me？〃
And his mind was still perturbed。 Thirty days he remained in that
condition of sadness which precedes the sore trials of a solitary
monk。 The image of Thais never left him day or night。 He did not try
to banish it； because he still thought it came from God； and was the
image of a saint。 But one morning she visited him in a dream； her hair
crowned with violets； and her very gentleness seemed so formidable；
that he uttered a cry of fright； and woke in an icy sweat。 His eyes
were still heavy with sleep； when he felt a moist warm breath on his
face。 A little jackal； its two paws placed on the side of the bed； was
panting its stinking breath in his face； and grinning at him。
Paphnutius was greatly astonished； and it seemed to him as though a
tower had given way under his feet。 And； in fact； he had fallen； for
his self…confidence had gone。 For some time he was incapable of
thought and when he did recover himself； his meditations only
increased his perplexity。
〃It is one of two things；〃 he said to himself； 〃either this vision；
like the preceding ones； came from God； and was a good vision； and it
is my natural perversity which has misrepresented it； as wine turns
sour in a dirty cup。 I have； by my unworthiness； changed instruction
into reproach； of which this diabolical jackal immediately took
advantage。 Or else this vision came； not from God； but； on the
contrary； from the devil； and was evil。 In that case I should doubt
whether the former ones had； as I thought； a celestial origin。 I am
therefore incapable of that discernment which is necessary for the
ascetic。 In either case it is plain that God is no longer with me；of
which I feel the effects； though I cannot explain the cause。〃
He reasoned in this way； and anxiously asked
〃Just God； what trials dost Thou appoint for Thy servants if the
apparitions of Thy saints are a danger for them？ Give me to discern；
by an intelligible sign； that which comes from Thee； and that which
comes from the other。〃
And as God； whose designs are inscrutable； did not see fit to
enlighten his servant； Paphnutius； lost in doubt； resolved not to
think of Thais any more。 But his resolutions were vain。 Though absent；
she was ever with him。 She gazed at him whilst he read； or meditated；
or prayed； or met his eyes wherever he looked。 Her imaginary approach
was heralded by a slight sound； such as is made by a woman's dress
when she walks； and the visions had more verisimilitude than reality
itself； which moves and is confused； whereas the phantoms which are
caused by solitude are fixed and unchangeable。 She came under various
appearancessometimes pensive； her head crowned with her last
perishable wreath； clad as at the banquet at Alexandria； in a mauve
robe spangled with silver flowers； sometimes voluptuously in a cloud
of light veils； and bathed in the warm shadows of the Grotto of
Nymphs； sometimes in a serge cassock； pious and radiant with celestial
joy； sometimes tragic； her eyes swimming in the terrors of death； and
showing her bare breast bedewed with the blood from her pierced heart。
What disturbed him the most in these visions was that the wreaths；
tunics； and veils； that he had burned with his own hands； should thus
return； it became evident to him that these things had an imperishable
soul； and he cried
〃Lo； all the countless souls of the sins of Thais come upon me！〃
When he turned away his head； he felt that Thais was behind him； and
that made him feel still more uneasy。 His torture was cruel。 But as
his soul and body remained pure in the midst of all his temptations；
he trusted in God； and gently complained to Him。
〃My God； if I went so far to seek her amongst the Gentiles； it was for
Thy sake； and not for mine。 It would not be just that I should suffer
for what I have done in Thy behalf。 Protect me； sweet Jesus！ My
Saviour； save me！ Suffer not the phantom to accomplish that which the
body could not。 As I have triumphed over the flesh； suffer not the
shadow to overthrow me。 I know that I am now exposed to greater
dangers than I ever ran。 I feel and know that the dream has more power
than the reality。 And how could it be otherwise； since it is itself
but a higher reality？ It is the soul of things。 Plato； though he was
but an idolater； has testified to the real existence of ideas。 At that
banquet of demons to which Thou accompaniedst me； Lord； I heard men
sullied with crimes truly； but certainly not devoid of intelligence
agree to acknowledge that we see real objects in solitude； meditation；
and ecstasy； and Thy Scriptures； my God； many times affirm the virtue
of dreams； and the power of visions formed either by Thee； great God；
or by Thy adversary。〃
There was a new man in him and now he reasoned with God； but God did
not choose to enlighten him。 His nights were one long dream； a