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。 I’d
rather not sit around； helpless and delicious； waiting for one of them to catch up with me。
In theory； that all made sense。
In practice 。 。 。 being human was all I knew。 The future beyond that was a big； dark abyss that I couldn’t
know until I leaped into it。
This simple knowledge； today’s date — which was so obvious that I must have been subconsciously
repressing it — made the deadline I’d been impatiently counting down toward feel like a date with the firing
squad。
In a vague way； I was aware of Edward holding the car door for me； of Alice chattering from the
backseat； of the rain hammering against the windshield。 Edward seemed to realize I was only there in body； he
didn’t try to pull me out of my abstraction。 Or maybe he did； and I was past noticing。
We ended up at my house； where Edward led me to the sofa and pulled me down next to him。 I stared
out the window； into the liquid gray haze； and tried to find where my resolve had gone。 Why was I panicking
now？ I’d known the deadline was coming。 Why should it frighten me that it was here？
I don’t know how long he let me stare out the window in silence。 But the rain was disappearing into
darkness when it was finally too much for him。
He put his cold hands on either side of my face and fixed his golden eyes on mine。
“Would you please tell me what you are thinking？ Before I go mad？”
What could I say to him？ That I was a coward？ I searched for words。
“Your lips are white。 Talk； Bella。”
I exhaled in a big gust。 How long had I been holding my breath？
“The date took me off guard；” I whispered。 “That’s all。”
He waited； his face full of worry and skepticism。
I tried to explain。 “I’m not sure what to do 。 。 。 what to tell Charlie 。 。 。 what to say 。 。 。 how to 。 。 。” My
voice trailed off。
“This isn’t about the party？”
I frowned。 “No。 But thanks for reminding me。”
The rain was louder as he read my face。
“You’re not ready；” he whispered。
“I am；” I lied immediately； a reflex reaction。 I could tell he saw through it； so I took a deep breath； and
told the truth。 “I have to be。”
“You don’t have to be anything。”
I could feel the panic surfacing in my eyes as I mouthed the reasons。 “Victoria； Jane； Caius； whoever was
in my room 。 。 。 ！”
“All the more reason to wait。”
“That doesn’t make any sense； Edward！”
He pressed his hands more tightly to my face and spoke with slow deliberation。
“Bella。 Not one of us had a choice。 You’ve seen what it’s done 。 。 。 to Rosalie especially。 We’ve all
struggled； trying to reconcile ourselves with something we had no control over。 I won’t let it be that way for
you。 You will have a choice。”
“I’ve already made my choice。”
“You aren’t going through with this because a sword is hanging over your head。 We will take care of the
problems； and I will take care of you；” he vowed。 “When we’re through it； and there is nothing forcing your
hand； then you can decide to join me； if you still want to。 But not because you’re afraid。 You won’t be forced
into this。”
“Carlisle promised；” I mumbled； contrary out of habit。 “After graduation。”
“Not until you’re ready；” he said in a sure voice。 “And definitely not while you feel threatened。”
I didn’t answer。 I didn’t have it in me to argue； I couldn’t seem to find my commitment at the moment。
“There。” He kissed my forehead。 “Nothing to worry about。”
I laughed a shaky laugh。 “Nothing but impending doom。”
“Trust me。”
“I do。”
He was still watching my face； waiting for me to relax。
“Can I ask you something？” I said。
“Anything。”
I hesitated； biting my lip； and then asked a different question than the one I was worried about。
“What am I getting Alice for graduation？”
He snickered。 “It looked like you were getting us both concert tickets —”
“That’s right！” I was so relieved； I almost smiled。 “The concert in Tacoma。 I saw an ad in the paper last
week； and I thought it would be something you’d like； since you said it was a good CD。”
“It’s a great idea。 Thank you。”
“I hope it’s not sold out。”
“It’s the thought that counts。 I ought to know。”
I sighed。
“There’s something else you meant to ask；” he said。
I frowned。 “You’re good。”
“I have lots of practice reading your face。 Ask me。”
I closed my eyes and leaned into him； hiding my face against his chest。 “You don’t want me to be a
vampire。”
“No； I don’t；” he said softly； and then he waited for more。 “That’s not a question；” he prompted after a
moment。
“Well 。 。 。 I was worrying about 。 。 。 why you feel that way。”
“Worrying？” He picked out the word with surprise。
“Would you tell me why？ The whole truth； not sparing my feelings？”
He hesitated for a minute。 “If I answer your question； will you then explain your question？”
I nodded； my face still hidden。
He took a deep breath before he answered。 “You could do so much better； Bella。 I know that you believe
I have a soul； but I’m not entirely convinced on that point； and to risk yours 。 。 。” He shook his head slowly。
“For me to allow this — to let you become what I am just so that I’ll never have to lose you — is the most
selfish act I can imagine。 I want it more than anything； for myself。 But for you； I want so much more。 Giving in
— it feels criminal。 It’s the most selfish thing I’ll ever do； even if I live forever。
“If there were any way for me to become human for you — no matter what the price was； I would pay it。”
I sat very still； absorbing this。
Edward thought he was being selfish。
I felt the smile slowly spread across my face。
“So 。 。 。 it’s not that you’re afraid you won’t 。 。 。 like me as much when I’m different — when I’m not soft
and warm and I don’t smell the same？ You really do want to keep me； no matter how I turn out？”
He exhaled sharply。 “You were worried I wouldn’t like you？” he demanded。 Then； before I could
answer； he was laughing。 “Bella； for a fairly intuitive person； you can be so obtuse！”
I knew he would think it silly； but I was relieved。 If he really wanted me； I could get through the rest 。 。 。
somehow。 Selfish suddenly seemed like a beautiful word。
“I don’t think you realize how much easier it will be for me； Bella；” he said； the echo of his humor still there
in his voice； “when I don’t have to concentrate all the time on not killing you。 Certainly； there are things I’ll
miss。 This for one 。 。 。”
He stared into my eyes as he stroked my cheek； and I felt the blood rush up to color my skin。 He laughed
gently。
“And the sound of your heart；” he continued； more serious but still smiling a little。 “It’s the most significant
sound in my world。 I’m so attuned to it now； I swear I could pick it out from miles away。 But neither of these
things matter。 This；” he said； taking my face in his hands。 “You。 That’s