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_〃Dec。 13th。_A comforting letter from Jane。 She sends me Hebrews xii。 11； and says； 'Let us take a part of the Bible； and read two chapters prayerfully at the same hour of the day： will ten o'clock in the morning suit you？ and； if so； will you choose where to begin？' I will； sweet friend； I will； and then； though some cruel mystery keeps us apart； our souls will be together over the sacred page； as I hope they will one day be together in heaven； yours will； at any rate。 Wrote back； yes； and a thousand thanks； and should like to begin with the Psalms； they are sorrowful； and so are we。 And I must pray not to think too much of _him。_
〃If everything is to be put down one does； I cried long and bitterly to find I had written that I must pray to God against _him。_〃
_〃Dec。 14th。_It is plain he never means to come again。 Mamma says nothing； but that is out of pity for me： I have not read her dear face all these years for nothing。 She is beginning to think him unworthy； when she thinks of him at all。
There is a mystery； a dreadful mystery； may he not be as mystified； too； and perhaps tortured like me with doubts and suspicions？ They say he is pale and dejected。 Poor thing！
But then； oh why not come to me and say so？ Shall I write to him？ No； I will cut my hand off sooner。〃
_〃Dec。 16th。_A blessed letter from Jane。 She says； 'Letter writing on ordinary subjects is a sad waste of time and very unpardonable among His people。' And so it is； and my weak hope； daily disappointed； that there may be something in her letter； only shows how inferior I am to my beloved friend。 She says； 'I should like to fix another hour for us two to meet at the Throne together： will five o'clock suit you？ We dine at six； but I am never more than half an hour dressing。'
〃The friendship of this saint； and her bright example； is what Heaven sends me in infinite mercy and goodness to sooth my aching heart a little： for _him_ I shall never see again。
〃I have seen him this very evening。〃
〃It was a beautiful night： I went to look atthe world to come I call itfor I believe the redeemed are to inhabit those very stars hereafter； and visit them all in turnand this world I now find is a world of sorrow and disappointmentso I went on the balcony to look at a better one： and oh it seemed so holy； so calm； so pure； that heavenly world I gazed and stretched my hands towards it for ever so little of its holiness and purity； and； that moment I heard a sigh。 I looked； and there stood a gentleman just outside our gate； and it was _him。_ I nearly screamed； and my heart beat so。 He did not see me： for I had come out softly； and his poor head was down； down upon his breast； and he used to carry it so high； a little； little； while agotoo high some said； but not I。 I looked； and my misgivings melted away； it flashed on me as if one of those stars had written it with its own light in my heart'There stands Grief； not Guilt。' And before I knew what I was about I had whispered 'Alfred！' The poor boy started and ran towards me： but stopped short and sighed again。 My heart yearned； but it was not for me to make advances to him； after his unkindness： so I spoke to him as coldly as ever I could； and I said； 'You are unhappy。'
〃He looked up to me； and then I saw even by that light that he is enduring a bitter； bitter struggle： _so_ pale； _so_ worn； _so_ dragged！Now how many times have I cried； this last month？ more than in all the rest of my life a great deal。'Unhappy！' he said； 'I must be a contemptible thing if I was not unhappy。' And then he asked me should not I despise him if he was happy。 I did not answer that： but I asked him why he was unhappy。 And when I had； I was half frightened； for he never evades a question the least bit。
〃He held his head higher still； and said； 'I am unhappy because I cannot see the path of honour。'
〃Then I babbled something； I forget what： then he went on like thisah； I never forget what _he_ sayshe said Cicero says 'AEquitas ipsa lucet per se； something significat* something else：' and he repeated it slowly for mehe knows I know a little Latin； and told me that was as much as to say 'Justice is so clear a thing； that whoever hesitates must be on the road of wrong。 And yet；' he said bitterly； '_I_ hesitate and doubt； in a matter of right and wrong； like an Academic philosopher weighing and balancing mere speculative straws。' Those were his very words。 'And so；' said he； 'I am miserable； deserving to be miserable。'
*Dubitatio cogitationem significat injuriae。
〃Then I ventured to remind him that he； and I； and all Christian souls； had a resource not known to heathen philosophers； however able。 And I said； 'Dear Alfred； when I am in doubt and difficulty； I go and pray to Him to guide me aright： have you done so？' No； that had never occurred to him： but he would； if I made a point of it； and at any rate he could not go on in this way。 I should soon see him again； and； once his mind was made up； no shrinking from mere consequences； he promised me。 Then we bade one another good night and he went off holding his head as proudly as he used： and poor silly me fluttered； and nearly hysterical； as soon as I quite lost sight of him。〃
_〃Dec。 17th。_At church in the morning： a good sermon。 Notes and analysis。 In the evening Jane's clergyman preached。 She came。 Going out I asked her a question about what we had heard； but she did not answer me。 At parting she told me she made it a rule not to speak coming from church； not even about the sermon。 This seemed austere to poor me。 But of course she is right。 Oh； that I was like her。〃
_〃Dec。 18th。_Edward is coming out。 This boy； that one has taught all the French； all the dancing； and nearly all the Latin he knows； turns out to be one's superior； infinitely： I mean in practical good sense。 Mamma had taken her pearls to the jeweller and borrowed two hundred pounds。 He found this out and objected。 She told him a part of it was required to keep him at Oxford。 'Oh indeed；' said he： and we thought of course there was an end： but next morning he was off before breakfast and the day after he returned from Oxford with his caution money； forty pounds； and gave it mamma； she had forgotten all about it。 And he had taken his name off the college books and left the university for ever。 The poor； gentle tears of mortification ran down his mother's cheeks； and I hung round her neck； and scolded him like a vixenas I am。 We might have spared tears and fury both； for he is neither to be melted nor irritated by poor little us。 He kissed us and coaxed us like a superior being； and set to work in his quiet； sober； ponderous way； and proved us a couple of fools to our entire satisfaction； and that without an unkind word！ for he is as gentle as a lamb； and as strong as ten thousand elephants。 He took the money back and brought the pearls home again； and he has written 'SOYEZ DE VOTRE SIECLE' in great large letters； and has pasted it on all our three bed…room doors； inside。 And he has been all these years quietly cutting up the _Morning Advertiser；_ and arranging the slips with wonderful skill and method。 He calls it 'digesting the _Tiser！'_ and you can't ask for any _modern_ information； great or small； but he'l