按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！
Swedish novel。 Somehow； she herself did not know how that terrible
fascination of glances and smiles began； the meaning of which cannot be
put into words。
These smiles and glances seemed to reveal to each； not only the soul
of the other； but some vital and universal mystery。 Every word they
spoke was invested by these smiles with a profound and wonderful
significance。 Music； too； when they were listening together； or when they
sang duets； became full of the same deep meaning。 So； also； the words in
the books they read aloud。 Sometimes they would argue； but the moment
their eyes met； or a smile flashed between them； the discussion remained
far behind。 They soared beyond it to some higher plane consecrated to
themselves。
How it had come about； how and when the devil； who had seized hold
99
… Page 100…
THE FORGED COUPONAnd Other Stories
of them both； first appeared behind these smiles and glances； she could not
say。 But； when terror first seized her； the invisible threads that bound them
were already so interwoven that she had no power to tear herself free。 She
could only count on him and on his honour。 She hoped that he would not
make use of his power； yet all the while she vaguely desired it。
Her weakness was the greater； because she had nothing to support her
in the struggle。 She was weary of society life and she had no affection
for her mother。 Her father； so she thought； had cast her away from him；
and she longed passionately to live and to have done with play。 Love； the
perfect love of a woman for a man； held the promise of life for her。 Her
strong； passionate nature； too； was dragging her thither。 In the tall； strong
figure of this man； with his fair hair and light upturned moustache； under
which shone a smile attractive and compelling； she saw the promise of that
life for which she longed。 And then the smiles and glances； the hope of
something so incredibly beautiful； led； as they were bound to lead； to that
which she feared but unconsciously awaited。
Suddenly all that was beautiful； joyous； spiritual； and full of promise
for the future； became animal and sordid； sad and despairing。
She looked into his eyes and tried to smile； pretending that she feared
nothing； that everything was as it should be； but deep down in her soul she
knew it was all over。 She understood that she had not found in him what
she had sought； that which she had once known in herself and in Koko。
She told him that he must write to her father asking her hand in marriage。
This he promised to do； but when she met him next he said it was
impossible for him to write just then。 She saw something vague and
furtive in his eyes； and her distrust of him grew。 The following day he
wrote to her； telling her that he was already married； though his wife had
left him long since； that he knew she would despise him for the wrong he
had done her； and implored her forgiveness。 She made him come to see
her。 She said she loved him； that she felt herself bound to him for ever
whether he was married or not； and would never leave him。 The next time
they met he told her that he and his parents were so poor that he could
only offer her the meanest existence。 She answered that she needed
100
… Page 101…
THE FORGED COUPONAnd Other Stories
nothing； and was ready to go with him at once wherever he wished。 He
endeavoured to dissuade her； advising her to wait； and so she waited。 But
to live on with this secret； with occasional meetings； and merely
corresponding with him； all hidden from her family； was agonising； and
she insisted again that he must take her away。 At first； when she returned
to St。 Petersburg； be wrote promising to come； and then letters ceased and
she knew no more of him。
She tried to lead her old life； but it was impossible。 She fell ill； and the
efforts of the doctors were unavailing； in her hopelessness she resolved to
kill herself。 But how was she to do this； so that her death might seem
natural？ She really desired to take her life； and imagined that she had
irrevocably decided on the step。 So； obtaining some poison； she poured
it into a glass； and in another instant would have drunk it； had not her
sister's little son of five at that very moment run in to show her a toy his
grandmother had given him。 She caressed the child； and； suddenly
stopping short； burst into tears。
The thought overpowered her that she； too； might have been a mother
had he not been married； and this vision of motherhood made her look into
her own soul for the first time。 She began to think not of what others
would say of her； but of her own life。 To kill oneself because of what the
world might say was easy； but the moment she saw her own life
dissociated from the world； to take that life was out of the question。 She
threw away the poison； and ceased to think of suicide。
Then her life within began。 It was real life； and despite the torture of
it； had the possibility been given her； she would not have turned back from
it。 She began to pray； but there was no comfort in prayer； and her suffering
was less for herself than for her father； whose grief she foresaw and
understood。
Thus months dragged along； and then something happened which
entirely transformed her life。 One day； when she was at work upon a
quilt； she suddenly experienced a strange sensation。 Noit seemed
impossible。 Motionless she sat with her work in hand。 Was it possible
that this was IT。 Forgetting everything； his baseness and deceit； her
101
… Page 102…
THE FORGED COUPONAnd Other Stories
mother's querulousness； and her father's sorrow； she smiled。 She
shuddered at the recollection that she was on the point of killing it；
together with herself。
She now directed all her thoughts to getting awaysomewhere where
she could bear her childand become a miserab