the secret places of the heart-第4章

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　are　ever　anything　else。　。　。　。　Do　you　realize　that　a　few　million　generations　ago；　everything　that　stirs　in　us；　everything　that　exalts　human　life；　self…devotions；　heroisms；　the　utmost　triumphs　of　art；　the　lovefor　love　it　isthat　makes　you　and　me　care　indeed　for　the　fate　and　welfare　of　all　this　round　world；　was　latent　in　the　body　of　some　little　lurking　beast　that　crawled　and　hid　among　the　branches　of　vanished　and　forgotten　Mesozoic　trees？　A　petty　egg…laying；　bristle…covered　beast　it　was；　with　no　more　of　the　rudiments　of　a　soul　than　bare　hunger；　weak　lust　and　fear。　。　。　。　People　always　seem　to　regard　that　as　a　curious　fact　of　no　practical　importance。　It　isn't：　it's　a　vital　fact　of　the　utmost　practical　importance。　That　is　what　you　are　made　of。　Why　should　you　expectbecause　a　war　and　a　revolution　have　shocked　youthat　you　should　suddenly　be　able　to　reach　up　and　touch　the　sky？〃　〃H'm！〃　said　Sir　Richmond。　〃Have　I　been　touching　the　sky！〃　〃You　are　trying　to　play　the　part　of　an　honest　rich　man。〃　〃I　don't　care　to　see　the　whole　system　go　smash。〃　〃Exactly；〃　said　the　doctor；　before　he　could　prevent　himself。　〃But　is　it　any　good　to　tell　a　man　that　the　job　he　is　attempting　is　above　himthat　he　is　just　a　hairy　reptile　twice　removedand　all　that　sort　of　thing？〃　〃Well；　it　saves　him　from　hoping　too　much　and　being　too　greatly　disappointed。　It　recalls　him　to　the　proportions　of　the　job。　He　gets　something　done　by　not　attempting　everything。　。　。　。　And　it　clears　him　up。　We　get　him　to　look　into　himself；　to　see　directly　and　in　measurable　terms　what　it　is　that　puts　him　wrong　and　holds　him　back。　He's　no　longer　vaguely　incapacitated。　He　knows。〃　〃That's　diagnosis。　That's　not　treatment。〃　〃Treatment　by　diagnosis。　To　analyze　a　mental　knot　is　to　untie　it。〃　〃You　propose　that　I　shall　spend　my　time；　until　the　Commission　meets；　in　thinking　about　myself。　I　wanted　to　forget　myself。〃　〃Like　a　man　who　tries　to　forget　that　his　petrol　is　running　short　and　a　cylinder　missing　fire。　。　。　。　No。　Come　back　to　the　question　of　what　you　are；〃　said　the　doctor。　〃A　creature　of　the　darkness　with　new　lights。　Lit　and　half…blinded　by　science　and　the　possibilities　of　controlling　the　world　that　it　opens　out。　In　that　light　your　will　is　all　for　service；　you　care　more　for　mankind　than　for　yourself。　You　begin　to　understand　something　of　the　self　beyond　your　self。　But　it　is　a　partial　and　a　shaded　light　as　yet；　a　little　area　about　you　it　makes　clear；　the　rest　is　still　the　old　darknessof　millions　of　intense　and　narrow　animal　generations。　。　。　。　You　are　like　someone　who　awakens　out　of　an　immemorial　sleep　to　find　himself　in　a　vast　chamber；　in　a　great　and　ancient　house；　a　great　and　ancient　house　high　amidst　frozen　and　lifeless　mountainsin　a　sunless　universe。　You　are　not　alone　in　it。　You　are　not　lord　of　all　you　survey。　Your　leadership　is　disputed。　The　darkness　even　of　the　room　you　are　in　is　full　of　ancient　and　discarded　but　quite　unsubjugated　powers　and　purposes。　。　。　。　They　thrust　ambiguous　limbs　and　claws　suddenly　out　of　the　darkness　into　the　light　of　your　attention。　They　snatch　things　out　of　your　hand；　they　trip　your　feet　and　jog　your　elbow。　They　crowd　and　cluster　behind　you。　Wherever　your　shadow　falls；　they　creep　right　up　to　you；　creep　upon　you　and　struggle　to　take　possession　of　you。　The　souls　of　apes；　monkeys；　reptiles　and　creeping　things　haunt　the　passages　and　attics　and　cellars　of　this　living　house　in　which　your　consciousness　has　awakened　。　。　。　。　〃　The　doctor　gave　this　quotation　from　his　unpublished　book　the　advantages　of　an　abrupt　break　and　a　pause。　Sir　Richmond　shrugged　his　shoulders　and　smiled。　〃And　you　propose　a　vermin　hunt　in　the　old　tenement？〃　〃The　modern　man　has　to　be　master　in　his　own　house。　He　has　to　take　stock　and　know　what　is　there。〃　〃Three　weeks　of　self　vivisection。〃　〃To　begin　with。　Three　weeks　of　perfect　honesty　with　yourself。　As　an　opening。　。　。　。　It　will　take　longer　than　that　if　we　are　to　go　through　with　the　job。〃　It　is　a　considerableprocess。〃　〃It　is。〃　〃Yet　you　shrink　from　simple　things　like　drugs！〃　〃Self…knowledgewithout　anaesthetics。〃　〃Has　this　sort　of　thing　ever　done　anyone　any　good　at　all？〃　〃It　has　turned　hundreds　back　to　sanity　and　steady　work。〃　〃How　frank　are　we　going　to　be？　How　full　are　we　going　to　be？　Anyhowwe　can　break　off　at　any　time。　。　。　。　We'll　try　it。　We'll　try　it。　。　。　。　And　so　for　this　journey　into　the　west　of　England。　。　。　。　Andif　we　can　get　thereI'm　not　sure　that　we　can　get　thereinto　the　secret　places　of　my　heart。

CHAPTER　THE　SECOND　LADY　HARDY　The　patient　left　the　house　with　much　more　self　possession　than　he　had　shown　when　entering　it。　Dr。　Martineau　had　thrust　him　back　from　his　intenser　prepossessions　to　a　more　generalized　view　of　himself；　had　made　his　troubles　objective　and　detached　him　from　them。　He　could　even　find　something　amusing　now　in　his　situation。　He　liked　the　immense　scope　of　the　theoretical　duet　in　which　they　had　indulged。　He　felt　that　most　of　it　was　entirely　trueand；　in　some　untraceable　manner；　absurd。　There　were　entertaining　possibilities　in　the　prospect　of　the　doctor　drawing　him　outhe　himself　partly　assisting　and　partly　resisting。　He　was　a　man　of　extensive　reservations。　His　private　life　was　in　some　respects　exceptionally　private。　〃I　don't　confide　。　。　。　。　Do　I　even　confide　in　myself？　I　imagine　I　do　。　。　。　。　Is　there　anything　in　myself　that　I　haven't　looked　squarely　in　the　face？　。　。　。　How　much　are　we　going　into？　Even　as　regards　facts？　〃Does　it　really　help　a　manto　see　himself？。　。　。〃　Such　thoughts　engaged　him　until　he　found　himself　in　his　study。　His　desk　and　his　writing　table　were　piled　high　with　a　heavy　burthen　of　work。　Still　a　little　preoccupied　with　Dr。　Martineau's　exposition；　he　began　to　handle　this　confusion。　。　。　。　At　half　past　nine　he　found　himself　with　three　hours　of　good　work　behind　him。　It　had　seemed　like　two。　He　had　not　worked　like　this　for　many　weeks。　〃This　is　very　cheering；〃　he　said。　〃And　unexpected。　Can　old　Moon…face　have　hypnotized　me？　Anyhow。　。　。　Perhaps　I've　only　imagined　I　was　ill。　。　。　。　Dinner？〃　He　looked　at　his　watch　and　was　amazed　at　the　time。　〃Good　Lord！　I've　been　at　it　three　hours。　What　can　have　happened？　Funny　I　didn't　hear　the　gong。〃　He　went　downstairs　and　found　Lady　Hardy　reading　a　magazine　in　a　dining…room　armchair　and　finely　poised　between　devotion　and　martyrdom。　A　shadow　of　vexation　fell　athwart　his　mind　at　the　sight　of　her。　〃I'd　no　idea　it　was　so　late；〃　he　said。　〃I　heard　no　gong。〃　〃After　you　swore　so　at　poor　Bradley　I　ordered　that　there　should　be　no　gongs　when　we　were　alone。　I　did　come　up　to　your　door　about　half　past　eight。　I　crept　up。　But　I　was　afraid　I　might　upset　you　if　I　came　in。〃　〃But　you've　not　waited〃　〃I've　had　a　mouthful　of　soup。〃　Lady　Hardy　rang　the　bell。　〃I've　done　some　work　at　last；〃　said　Sir　Richmond；　astride　on　the　hearthrug。　〃I'm　glad；〃　said　Lady　Hardy；　without　gladness。　〃I　waited　for　three　hours。〃　Lady　Hardy　was　a　frail　little　blue…eyed　woman　with　uneven　shoulders　and　a　delicate　sweet　profile。　Hers　was　that　type　of　face　that　under　even　the　most　pleasant　and　luxurious　circumstances　still　looks　bravely　and　patiently　enduring。　Her　refinement　threw　a　tinge　of　coarseness　over　his　eager　consumption　of　his　excellent　clear　soup。　〃What's　this　fish；　Bradley？〃　he　asked。　〃Turbot；　Sir　Richmond。〃　〃Don't　you　have　any？〃　he　asked　his　wife。　〃I'v