the secret places of the heart-第36章

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the　things　I　wanted　to　achieve　didn't　matter　to　them　one　rap。　It　was　going　back　to　a　home；　lunching　in　clubs；　reading　papers；　going　about　a　world　in　which　all　the　organization；　all　the　possibility　of　the　organization　I　dream　of　is　tacitly　denied。　I　don't　know　if　it　seems　an　extraordinary　confession　of　weakness　to　you；　but　that　steady　refusal　of　the　majority　of　my　Committee　to　come　into　co…　operation　with　me　has　beaten　meor　at　any　rate　has　come　very　near　to　beating　me。　Most　of　them　you　know　are　such　able　men。　You　can　FEEL　their　knowledge　and　commonsense。　They；　and　everybody　about　me；　seemed　busy　and　intent　upon　more　immediate　things；　that　seemed　more　real　to　them　than　this　remote；　theoretical；　PRIGGISH　end　I　have　set　for　myself。　。　。　。〃　He　paused。　〃Go　on；〃　said　Miss　Grammont。　〃I　think　I　understand　this。　〃　〃And　yet　I　know　I　am　right。〃　〃I　know　you　are　right。　I'm　certain。　Go　on。　〃If　one　of　those　ten　thousand　members　of　the　Sokol　Society　had　thrown　back　his　brown　cloak　and　shown　red　when　all　the　others　still　kept　them　selves　cloakedif　he　was　a　normal　sensitive　manhe　might　have　felt　something　of　a　fool。　He　might　have　felt　premature　and　presumptuous。　Red　he　was　and　the　others　he　knew　were　red　also；　but　why　show　it？　That　is　the　peculiar　distress　of　people　like　ourselves；　who　have　some　sense　of　history　and　some　sense　of　a　larger　life　within　us　than　our　merely　personal　life。　We　don't　want　to　go　on　with　the　old　story　merely。　We　want　to　live　somehow　in　that　larger　life　and　to　live　for　its　greater　ends　and　lose　something　unbearable　of　ourselves；　and　in　wanting　to　do　that　we　are　only　wanting　to　do　what　nearly　everybody　perhaps　is　ripe　to　do　and　will　presently　want　to　do。　When　the　New　Age　Martineau　talks　about　begins　to　come　it　may　come　very　quicklyas　the　red　came　at　Prague。　But　for　the　present　everyone　hesitates　about　throwing　back　the　cloak。〃　〃Until　the　cloak　becomes　unbearable；〃　she　said；　repeating　his　word。　〃I　came　upon　this　holiday　in　the　queerest　state。　I　thought　I　was　ill。　I　thought　I　was　overworked。　But　the　real　trouble　was　a　loneliness　that　robbed　me　of　all　driving　force。　Nobody　seemed　thinking　and　feeling　with　me。　。　。　。　I　have　never　realized　until　now　what　a　gregarious　beast　man　is。　It　needed　only　a　day　or　so　with　Martineau；　in　the　atmosphere　of　ideas　and　beliefs　like　my　own；　to　begin　my　restoration。　Now　as　I　talk　to　youThat　is　why　I　have　clutched　at　your　company。　Because　here　you　are；　coming　from　thousands　of　miles　away；　and　you　talk　my　ideas；　you　fall　into　my　ways　of　thought　as　though　we　had　gone　to　the　same　school。〃　〃Perhaps　we　HAVE　gone　to　the　same　school；〃　she　said。　〃You　mean？〃　〃Disappointment。　Disillusionment。　Having　to　find　something　better　in　life　than　the　first　things　it　promised　us。〃　〃But　you？　Disappointed？　I　thought　that　in　America　people　might　be　educating　already　on　different　lines〃　〃Even　in　America；〃　Miss　Grammont　said；　〃crops　only　grow　on　the　ploughed　land。〃　Section　8　Glastonbury　in　the　afternoon　was　wonderful；　they　talked　of　Avalon　and　of　that　vanished　legendary　world　of　King　Arthur　and　his　knights；　and　in　the　early　evening　they　came　to　Wells　and　a　pleasant　inn；　with　a　quaint　little　garden　before　its　front　door　that　gave　directly　upon　the　cathedral。　The　three　tourists　devoted　a　golden　half　hour　before　dinner　to　the　sculptures　on　the　western　face。　The　great　screen　of　wrought　stone　rose　up　warmly；　grey　and　clear　and　distinct　against　a　clear　blue　sky　in　which　the　moon　hung；　round　and　already　bright。　That　western　facade　with　its　hundreds　of　little　figures　tells　the　whole　story　of　God　and　Man　from　Adam　to　the　Last　Judgment；　as　the　mediaeval　mind　conceived　it。　It　is　an　even　fuller　exposition　than　the　carved　Bible　history　that　goes　round　the　chapter　house　at　Salisbury。　It　presented　the　universe；　said　Sir　Richmond；　as　a　complete　crystal　globe。　It　explained　everything　in　life　in　a　simple　and　natural　manner；　hope；　heaven；　devil　and　despair。　Generations　had　lived　and　died　mentally　within　that　crystal　globe；　convinced　that　it　was　all　and　complete。　〃And　now；〃　said　Miss　Grammont；　〃we　are　in　limitless　space　and　time。　The　crystal　globe　is　broken。〃　〃And？〃　said　Belinda　amazinglyfor　she　had　been　silent　for　some　time；　〃the　goldfish　are　on　the　floor；　V。V。　Free　to　flop　about。　Are　they　any　happier？〃　It　was　one　of　those　sudden　rhetorical　triumphs　that　are　best　left　alone。　〃I　trow　not；〃　said　Belinda；　giving　the　last　touch　to　it。　After　dinner　Sir　Richmond　and　Miss　Grammont　walked　round　the　cathedral　and　along　by　the　moat　of　the　bishop's　palace；　and　Miss　Seyffert　stayed　in　the　hotel　to　send　off　postcards　to　her　friends；　a　duty　she　had　neglected　for　some　days。　The　evening　was　warm　and　still　and　the　moon　was　approaching　its　full　and　very　bright。　Insensibly　the　soft　afterglow　passed　into　moonlight。　At　first　the　two　companions　talked　very　little。　Sir　Richmond　was　well　content　with　this　tacit　friendliness　and　Miss　Grammont　was　preoccupied　because　she　was　very　strongly　moved　to　tell　him　things　about　herself　that　hitherto　she　had　told　to　no　one。　It　was　not　merely　that　she　wanted　to　tell　him　these　things　but　also　that　for　reasons　she　did　not　put　as　yet　very　clearly　to　herself　she　thought　they　were　things　he　ought　to　know。　She　talked　of　herself　at　first　in　general　terms。　〃Life　comes　on　anyone　with　a　rush；　childhood　seems　lasting　for　ever　and　then　suddenly　one　tears　into　life；〃　she　said。　It　was　even　more　so　for　women　than　it　was　for　men。　You　are　shown　life；　a　crowded　vast　spectacle　full　of　what　seems　to　be　intensely　interesting　activities　and　endless　delightful　and　frightful　and　tragic　possibilities；　and　you　have　hardly　had　time　to　look　at　it　before　you　are　called　upon　to　make　decisions。　And　there　is　something　in　your　blood　that　urges　you　to　decisive　acts。　Your　mind；　your　reason　resists。　〃Give　me　time；〃　it　says。　〃They　clamour　at　you　with　treats；　crowds；　shows；　theatres；　all　sorts　of　things；　lovers　buzz　at　you；　each　trying　to　fix　you　part　of　his　life　when　you　are　trying　to　get　clear　to　live　a　little　of　your　own。〃　Her　father　had　had　one　merit　at　any　rate。　He　had　been　jealous　of　her　lovers　and　very　ready　to　interfere。　〃I　wanted　a　lover　to　love；〃　she　said。　〃Every　girl　of　course　wants　that。　I　wanted　to　be　tremendously　excited。　。　。　。　And　at　the　same　time　I　dreaded　the　enormous　interference。　。　。　。　〃I　wasn't　temperamentally　a　cold　girl。　Men　interested　and　excited　me；　but　there　were　a　lot　of　men　about　and　they　clashed　with　each　other。　Perhaps　way　down　in　some　out　of　the　way　place　I　should　have　fallen　in　love　quite　easily　with　the　one　man　who　came　along。　But　no　man　fixed　his　image。　After　a　year　or　so　I　think　I　began　to　lose　the　power　which　is　natural　to　a　young　girl　of　falling　very　easily　into　love。　I　became　critical　of　the　youths　and　men　who　were　attracted　to　me　and　I　became　analytical　about　myself。　。　。　。　〃I　suppose　it　is　because　you　and　I　are　going　to　part　so　soon　that　I　can　speak　so　freely　to　you。　。　。　。　But　there　are　things　about　myself　that　I　have　never　had　out　even　with　myself。　I　can　talk　to　myself　in　you〃　She　paused　baffled。　〃I　know　exactly；〃　said　Sir　Richmond。　〃In　my　composition　I　perceive　there　have　always　been　two　ruling　strains。　I　was　a　spoilt　child　at　home；　a　rather　reserved　girl　at　school；　keen　on　my　dignity。　I　liked　respect。　I　didn't　give　myself　away。　I