the secret places of the heart-第19章

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ents；　all　doing　nothing　at　all　except　talk　about　the　things　they　were　going　to　do。　I　suppose　I　profited　by　the　contrast；　being　older　and　with　my　hands　full　of　affairs。　Perhaps　something　had　happened　that　had　made　her　recoil　towards　my　sort　of　thing。　I　don't　know。　But　she　just　let　herself　go　at　me。〃　〃And　you？〃　〃Let　myself　go　too。　I'd　never　met　anything　like　her　before。　It　was　her　wit　took　me。　It　didn't　occur　to　me　that　she　wasn't　my　contemporary　and　as　able　as　I　was。　As　able　to　take　care　of　herself。　All　sorts　of　considerations　that　I　should　have　shown　to　a　sillier　woman　I　never　dreamt　of　showing　to　her。　I　had　never　met　anyone　so　mentally　brilliant　before　or　so　helpless　and　headlong。　And　so　here　we　are　on　each　other's　hands！　〃　〃But　the　child？　〃It　happened　to　us。　For　four　years　now　things　have　just　happened　to　us。　All　the　time　I　have　been　overworking；　first　at　explosives　and　now　at　this　fuel　business。　She　too　is　full　of　her　work。　〃Nothing　stops　that　though　everything　seems　to　interfere　with　it。　And　in　a　distraught；　preoccupied　way　we　are　abominably　fond　of　each　other。　'Fond'　is　the　word。　But　we　are　both　too　busy　to　look　after　either　ourselves　or　each　other。　〃She　is　much　more　incapable　than　I　am；〃　said　Sir　Richmond　as　if　he　delivered　a　weighed　and　very　important　judgment。　〃You　see　very　much　of　each　other？〃　〃She　has　a　flat　in　Chelsea　and　a　little　cottage　in　South　Cornwall；　and　we　sometimes　snatch　a　few　days　together；　away　somewhere　in　Surrey　or　up　the　Thames　or　at　such　a　place　as　Southend　where　one　is　lost　in　a　crowd　of　inconspicuous　people。　〃Then　things　go　wellthey　usually　go　well　at　the　startwe　are　glorious　companions。　She　is　happy；　she　is　creative；　she　will　light　up　a　new　place　with　flashes　of　humour；　with　a　keenness　of　appreciation　。　。　。　。　〃　〃But　things　do　not　always　go　well？〃　〃Things；〃　said　Sir　Richmond　with　the　deliberation　of　a　man　who　measures　his　words；　〃are　apt　to　go　wrong。　。　。　。　At　the　flat　there　is　constant　trouble　with　the　servants；　they　bully　her。　A　woman　is　more　entangled　with　servants　than　a　man。　Women　in　that　position　seem　to　resent　the　work　and　freedom　of　other　women。　Her　servants　won't　leave　her　in　peace　as　they　would　leave　a　man；　they　make　trouble　for　her。　。　。　。　And　when　we　have　had　a　few　days　anywhere　away；　even　if　nothing　in　particular　has　gone　wrong〃　Sir　Richmond　stopped　short。　〃When　they　go　wrong　it　is　generally　her　fault；〃　the　doctor　sounded。　〃Almost　always。〃　〃But　if　they　don't？〃　said　the　psychiatrist。　〃It　is　difficult　to　describe。　。　。　。　The　essential　incompatibility　of　the　whole　thing　comes　out。〃　The　doctor　maintained　his　expression　of　intelligent　interest。　〃She　wants　to　go　on　with　her　work。　She　is　able　to　work　anywhere。　All　she　wants　is　just　cardboard　and　ink。　My　mind　on　the　other　hand　turns　back　to　the　Fuel　Commission　。　。　。　。〃　〃Then　any　little　thing　makes　trouble。〃　〃Any　little　thing　makes　trouble。　And　we　always　drift　round　to　the　same　discussion；　whether　we　ought　really　to　go　on　together。〃　〃It　is　you　begin　that？〃　〃Yes；　I　start　that。　You　see　she　is　perfectly　contented　when　I　am　about。　She　is　as　fond　of　me　as　I　am　of　her。〃　〃Fonder　perhaps。〃　'I　don't　know。　But　she　isadhesive。　Emotionally　adhesive。　All　she　wants　to　do　is　just　to　settle　down　when　I　am　there　and　go　on　with　her　work。　But　then；　you　see；　there　is　MY　work。〃　〃Exactly。　。　。　。　After　all　it　seems　to　me　that　your　great　trouble　is　not　in　yourselves　but　in　social　institutions。　Which　haven't　yet　fitted　themselves　to　people　like　you　two。　It　is　the　sense　of　uncertainty　makes　her；　as　you　say；　adhesive。　Nervously　so。　If　we　were　indeed　living　in　a　new　age　Instead　of　the　moral　ruins　of　a　shattered　one〃　〃We　can't　alter　the　age　we　live　in；〃　said　Sir　Richmond　a　little　testily。　〃No。　Exactly。　But　we　CAN　realize；　in　any　particular　situation；　that　it　is　not　the　individuals　to　blame　but　the　misfit　of　ideas　and　forms　and　prejudices。〃　〃No；〃　said　Sir　Richmond；　obstinately　rejecting　this　pacifying　suggestion；　〃she　could　adapt　herself。　If　she　cared　enough。〃　〃But　how？〃　〃She　will　not　take　the　slightest　trouble　to　adjust　herself　to　the　peculiarities　of　our　position。　。　。　。　She　could　be　cleverer。　Other　women　are　cleverer。　Any　other　woman　almost　would　be　cleverer　than　she　is。〃　〃But　if　she　was　cleverer；　she　wouldn't　be　the　genius　she　is。　She　would　just　be　any　other　woman。〃　〃Perhaps　she　would；〃　said　Sir　Richmond　darkly　and　desperately。　〃Perhaps　she　would。　Perhaps　it　would　be　better　if　she　was。〃　Dr。　Martineau　raised　his　eyebrows　in　a　furtive　aside。　〃But　here　you　see　that　it　is　that　in　my　case；　the　fundamental　incompatibility　between　one's　affections　and　one's　wider　conception　of　duty　and　work　comes　in。　We　cannot　change　social　institutions　in　a　year　or　a　lifetime。　We　can　never　change　them　to　suit　an　individual　case。　That　would　be　like　suspending　the　laws　of　gravitation　in　order　to　move　a　piano。　As　things　are；　Martin　is　no　good　to　me；　no　help　to　me。　She　is　a　rival　to　my　duty。　She　feels　that。　She　is　hostile　to　my　duty。　A　definite　antagonism　has　developed。　She　feels　and　treats　fueland　everything　to　do　with　fuel　as　a　bore。　It　is　an　attack。　We　quarrel　on　that。　It　isn't　as　though　I　found　it　so　easy　to　stick　to　my　work　that　I　could　disregard　her　hostility。　And　I　can't　bear　to　part　from　her。　I　threaten　it；　distress　her　excessively　and　then　I　am　overcome　by　sympathy　for　her　and　I　go　back　to　her。　。　。　。　In　the　ordinary　course　of　things　I　should　be　with　her　now。〃　〃If　it　were　not　for　the　carbuncle？〃　〃If　it　were　not　for　the　carbuncle。　She　does　not　care　for　me　to　see　her　disfigured。　She　does　not　understand〃　Sir　Richmond　was　at　a　loss　for　a　phrase〃that　it　is　not　her　good　looks。〃　〃She　won't　let　you　go　to　her？〃　〃It　amounts　to　that。　。　。　。　And　soon　there　will　be　all　the　trouble　about　educating　the　girl。　Whatever　happens；　she　must　have　as　good　a　chance　asanyone。　。　。　。　〃　〃Ah！　That　is　worrying　you　too！〃　〃Frightfully　at　times。　If　it　were　a　boy　it　would　be　easier。　It　needs　constant　tact　and　dexterity　to　fix　things　up。　Neither　of　us　have　any。　It　needs　attention。　。　。　。　〃　Sir　Richmond　mused　darkly。　Dr。　Martineau　thought　aloud。　〃An　incompetent　delightful　person　with　Martin　Leeds's　sense　of　humour。　And　her　powers　of　expression。　She　must　be　attractive　to　many　people。　She　could　probably　do　without　you。　If　once　you　parted。〃　Sir　Richmond　turned　on　him　eagerly。　〃You　think　I　ought　to　part　from　her？　On　her　account？〃　〃On　her　account。　It　might　pain　her。　But　once　the　thing　was　done〃　〃I　want　to　part。　I　believe　I　ought　to　part。〃　〃Well？〃　〃But　then　my　affection　comes　in。〃　〃That　extraordinaryTENDERNESS　of　yours？〃　〃I'm　afraid。〃　〃Of　what？〃　〃Anyone　might　get　hold　of　herif　I　let　her　down。　She　hasn't　a　tithe　of　the　ordinary　coolheaded　calculation　of　an　average　woman。　。　。　。　I've　a　duty　to　her　genius。　I've　got　to　take　care　of　her。〃　To　which　the　doctor　made　no　reply。　〃Nevertheless　the　idea　of　parting　has　been　very　much　in　my　mind　lately。〃　〃Letting　her　go　FREE？〃　〃You　can　put　it　in　that　way　if　you　like。〃　〃It　might　not　be　a　fatal　operation　for　either　of　you。〃　〃And　yet　there　are　moods　when　parting　is　an　intolerable　idea。　When　one　is　invaded　by　a　flood　of　affection。〃。　。　。　。　And　old　habits　of　association。〃　Dr。　Martineau　thought。　Was　that　the　right　word；affection？　Perhaps　it　was。　They　had　come　out　on　the　towing　path　close　by　the　lock　and　they　foun