the secret places of the heart-第17章

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witty。　He　gets　a　laugh　round　the　table　at　my　expense。　Young　Dent；　the　more　intelligent　of　the　labour　men；　reads　me　a　lecture　in　committee　manners。　Old　Cassidy　sees　HIS　opening　and　jabs　some　ridiculous　petty　accusation　at　me　and　gets　me　spluttering　self…defence　like　a　fool。　All　my　stock　goes　down；　and　as　my　stock　goes　down　the　chances　of　a　good　report　dwindle。　Young　Dent　grieves　to　see　me　injuring　my　own　case。　Too　damned　a　fool　to　see　what　will　happen　to　the　report！　You　see　if　only　they　can　convince　themselves　I　am　just　a　prig　and　an　egotist　and　an　impractical　bore；　they　escape　from　a　great　deal　more　than　my　poor　propositions。　They　escape　from　the　doubt　in　themselves。　By　dismissing　me　they　dismiss　their　own　consciences。　And　then　they　can　scamper　off　and　be　sensible　little　piggy…wigs　and　not　bother　any　more　about　what　is　to　happen　to　mankind　in　the　long　run。　。　。　。　Do　you　begin　to　realize　the　sort　of　fight；　upside　down　in　a　dustbin；　that　that　Committee　is　for　me？〃　〃You　have　to　go　through　with　it；〃　Dr。　Martineau　repeated。　〃I　have。　If　I　can。　But　I　warn　you　I　have　been　near　breaking　point。　And　if　I　tumble　off　the　high　horse；　if　I　can't　keep　going　regularly　there　to　ride　the　moral　high　horse；　that　Committee　will　slump　into　utter　scoundrelism。　It　will　turn　out　a　long；　inconsistent；　botched；　unreadable　report　that　will　back　up　all　sorts　of　humbugging　bargains　and　sham　settlements。　It　will　contain　some　half…baked　scheme　to　pacify　the　miners　at　the　expense　of　the　general　welfare。　It　won't　even　succeed　in　doing　that。　But　in　the　general　confusion　old　Cassidy　will　get　away　with　a　series　of　hauls　that　may　run　into　millions。　Which　will　last　his　timedamn　him！　And　that　is　where　we　are。　。　。　。　Oh！　I　know！　I　know！　。　。　。　。　I　must　do　this　job。　I　don't　need　any　telling　that　my　life　will　be　nothing　and　mean　nothing　unless　I　bring　this　thing　through。　。　。　。　〃But　the　thanklessness　of　playing　this　lone　hand！〃　The　doctor　watched　his　friend's　resentful　black　silhouette　against　the　lights　on　the　steely　river；　and　said　nothing　for　awhile。　〃Why　did　I　ever　undertake　to　play　it？〃　Sir　Richmond　appealed。　〃Why　has　it　been　put　upon　me？　Seeing　what　a　poor　thing　I　am；　why　am　I　not　a　poor　thing　altogether？〃　Section　8　〃I　think　I　understand　that　loneliness　of　yours；　said　the　doctor　after　an　interval。　〃I　am　INTOLERABLE　to　myself。〃　〃And　I　think　it　explains　why　it　is　that　you　turn　to　women　as　you　do。　You　want　help；　you　want　reassurance。　And　you　feel　they　can　give　it。〃　〃I　wonder　if　it　has　been　quite　like　that；〃　Sir　Richmond　reflected。　By　an　effort　Dr。　Martineau　refrained　from　mentioning　the　mother　complex。　〃You　want　help　and　reassurance　as　a　child　does；〃　he　said。　〃Women　and　women　alone　seem　capable　of　giving　that；　of　telling　you　that　you　are　surely　right；　that　notwithstanding　your　blunders　you　are　right；　that　even　when　you　are　wrong　it　doesn't　so　much　matter；　you　are　still　in　spirit　right。　They　can　show　their　belief　in　you　as　no　man　can。　With　all　their　being　they　can　do　that。〃　〃Yes；　I　suppose　they　could。〃　〃They　can。　You　have　said　already　that　women　are　necessary　to　make　things　real　for　you。〃　〃Not　my　work；〃　said　Sir　Richmond。　〃I　admit　that　it　might　be　like　that；　but　it　isn't　like　that。　It　has　not　worked　out　like　that。　The　two　drives　go　on　side　by　side　in　me。　They　have　no　logical　connexion。　All　I　can　say　is　that　for　me；　with　my　bifid　temperament；　one　makes　a　rest　from　the　other；　and　is　so　far　refreshment　and　a　renewal　of　energy。　But　I　do　not　find　women　coming　into　my　work　in　any　effectual　way。　〃　The　doctor　reflected　further。　〃I　suppose；〃　he　began　and　stopped　short。　He　heard　Sir　Richmond　move　in　his　chair；　creaking　an　interrogation。　〃You　have　never；〃　said　the　doctor；　〃turned　to　the　idea　of　God？〃　Sir　Richmond　grunted　and　made　no　other　answer　for　the　better　part　of　a　minute。　As　Dr。　Martineau　waited　for　his　companion　to　speak；　a　falling　star　streaked　the　deep　blue　above　them。　〃I　can't　believe　in　a　God；〃　said　Sir　Richmond。　〃Something　after　the　fashion　of　a　God；〃　said　the　doctor　insidiously。　〃No；〃　said　Sir　Richmond。　〃Nothing　that　reassures。〃　〃But　this　loneliness；　this　craving　for　companionship。　。　。　。〃　〃We　have　all　been　through　that；〃　said　Sir　Richmond。　〃We　have　all　in　our　time　lain　very　still　in　the　darkness　with　our　souls　crying　out　for　the　fellowship　of　God；　demanding　some　sign；　some　personal　response。　The　faintest　feeling　of　assurance　would　have　satisfied　us。〃　〃And　there　has　never　been　a　response？〃　〃Have　YOU　ever　had　a　response？〃　〃Once　I　seemed　to　have　a　feeling　of　exaltation　and　security。〃　〃Well？〃　〃Perhaps　I　only　persuaded　myself　that　I　had。　I　had　been　reading　William　James　on　religious　experiences　and　I　was　thinking　very　much　of　Conversion。　I　tried　to　experience　Conversion。　。　。　。〃　〃Yes？　〃　〃It　faded。〃　〃It　always　fades；〃　said　Sir　Richmond　with　anger　in　his　voice。　〃I　wonder　how　many　people　there　are　nowadays　who　have　passed　through　this　last　experience　of　ineffectual　invocation；　this　appeal　to　the　fading　shadow　of　a　vanished　God。　In　the　night。　In　utter　loneliness。　Answer　me！　Speak　to　me！　Does　he　answer？　In　the　silence　you　hear　the　little　blood　vessels　whisper　in　your　ears。　You　see　a　faint　glow　of　colour　on　the　darkness。　。　。　。　〃　Dr。　Martineau　sat　without　a　word。　〃I　can　believe　that　over　all　things　Righteousness　rules。　I　can　believe　that。　But　Righteousness　is　not　friendliness　nor　mercy　nor　comfort　nor　any　such　dear　and　intimate　things。　This　cuddling　up　to　Righteousness！　It　is　a　dream；　a　delusion　and　a　phase。　I've　tried　all　that　long　ago。　I've　given　it　up　long　ago。　I've　grown　out　of　it。　Men　doafter　forty。　Our　souls　were　made　in　the　squatting…place　of　the　submen　of　ancient　times。　They　are　made　out　of　primitive　needs　and　they　die　before　our　bodies　as　those　needs　are　satisfied。　Only　young　people　have　souls；　complete。　The　need　for　a　personal　God；　feared　but　reassuring；　is　a　youth's　need。　I　no　longer　fear　the　Old　Man　nor　want　to　propitiate　the　Old　Man　nor　believe　he　matters　any　more。　I'm　a　bit　of　an　Old　Man　myself　I　discover。　Yes。　But　the　other　thing　still　remains。　〃　〃The　Great　Mother　of　the　Gods；〃　said　Dr。　Martineaustill　clinging　to　his　theories。　〃The　need　of　the　woman；〃　said　Sir　Richmond。　〃I　want　mating　because　it　is　my　nature　to　mate。　I　want　fellowship　because　I　am　a　social　animal　and　I　want　it　from　another　social　animal。　Not　from　any　Godany　inconceivable　God。　Who　fades　and　disappears。　No。　。　。　。　〃Perhaps　that　other　need　will　fade　presently。　I　do　not　know。　Perhaps　it　lasts　as　long　as　life　does。　How　can　I　tell？〃　He　was　silent　for　a　little　while。　Then　his　voice　sounded　in　the　night；　as　if　he　spoke　to　himself。　〃But　as　for　the　God　of　All　Things　consoling　and　helping！　Imagine　it！　That　up　there　having　fellowship　with　me！　I　would　as　soon　think　of　cooling　my　throat　with　the　Milky　Way　or　shaking　hands　with　those　stars。〃

CHAPTER　THE　FIFTH　IN　THE　LAND　OF　THE　FORGOTTEN　PEOPLES

Section　1　A　gust　of　confidence　on　the　part　of　a　person　naturally　or　habitually　reserved　will　often　be　followed　by　a　phase　of　recoil。　At　breakfast　next　morning　their　overnight　talk　seemed　to　both　Sir　Richmond　and　Dr。　Martineau　like　something　each　had　dreamt　about　the　other；　a　quite　impossible　excess　of　intimacy。　They　discussed　the　weather；　which　seemed　to　be　settling　down　to　the　utmost　serenity　of　which　the　English　spring　is