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ebb。
UMBRELLA A good thing to put up in a showeror pawn…shop； but；
like skating； never seen after Lent。
UNBOSOMED A shirt just returned from a steam laundry。
UNION An ailing individual frequently troubled by scabs and liable
to strike without warning。
UMPIRE No jeweler； but a high authority on diamonds。
USHER One who takes a leading part in a theatre。
VACCINATION Where 〃jabbing the needle〃 is never a vice。
VAUDEVILLE From Lat。 vaut； good for； and villageois； countryman。
Good for countrymen。
VERANDA An open…air enclosure often used as a spoon…holder。
VEST A waistcoat sold at halfprice。
VIRTUE A quality oftentimes associated with intelligence； but
rarely with beauty。
VULGARITY The conduct of others。
A rolling stone gathers no mossexcept at roulette。
W
But a stony roll always gathers the stony stare。
WAITER An Inn…experienced servant。
WAR A wholesale means of making heroes which； if planned in a
small way； would produce only murderers。
WATER A thin substance applied to stocks with which to soak
buyers。
WEDDING A trade in which the bride is generally given away； and
the groom is often sold。
WEEDS Found in gardens and widows。 For removing easily； marry the
widow。
WICKEDNESS A myth invented by good people to account for the
singular attractiveness of others。
WIDOW The wife of a golfer during the open season； unless she
golfs； too。 In that event the children are golf orphans。
WHISKY Trouble put up in liquid form。
WIND An aerial phenomenon； superinduced by an ephemeral agitation
of the nebular strata； whereby air； （hot or cold）； impelled into
transitory activity； generates a prolonged passage through space；
owing to certain occult ethereal stimuli； and results in zephyrs；
breezes； blows； blow…outs； blizzards； gales； simoons； hurricanes；
tornadoes or typhoons。 Barred from Kansas Cyclone…cellars but
frequently blended with Chicago tonguecanned or conversational。
WOMAN An aspiring creature whose political sphere is still
slightly flattened at the polls。
WORD Something you must keep after giving it to another。
WORRY A state of mind that leads some persons to fear； every time
the tide goes out； that it won't come in again。
WRINKLES A merchant's trade…marks。
It's the first straw hat which shows how the wind blows。
X Y Z
A Ride goeth before a Fall。See Automobile； Bucking Broncho；
Bicycle； Air…Ship； Patrol…Wagon； Rail； and Go…Cart。
X RAYS Ten dollars from a friend。
YARN An essential in fabricationeither woven or narrated。 Mill
yarns are highly colored； those spun at sea much more so。
YAWL Either the shape of a boat or the sound of a cat； but never a
cat…boat。
YAWNS The air…breaks on a sleeper。
YEAR A period originally including 365 days； now 325； since the
other 40 are Lent。
YELLOW FEVER A passion for reading the Hearst newspapers。
YOLK The legacy of the hen and the burden of its lay。
YOKE The inheritance of the hen…pecked and the burden of the
married。
YULE…LOG A Christmas protege of the grate； too young to smoke； too
tough to burn and too green to warm up to anybody。
YOUTH The dynamo that makes the world go round； a product of its
own generation； with its wires carrying Power into the high places
of Earth and with its currents of Thought short…circuited only by
bigoted Old Age。
ZEALOT One who loves morality so well he will commit crime to
maintain it。
ZEBRA The crook among horses； condemned to wear stripes for life。
ZERO Originally； nothing； but now meaning a good deal on a
thermometer or bank…draft； and comprising two…thirds of the 400。
ZIGZAG The popular route after a heavy dinner。 Old adage； 〃The
longest way round is the drunkard's way home！〃
ZOUAVE The original Mrs。 Bloomer。
Postage and Postal Information。
How to Mail a Letter。
After writing it； place it in a square or oblong enveloperound
ones are no longer fashionableseal it on the back and write a
legible address on the front； then take a two…cent stamp； give it a
good licking and retire it to the cornerthe upper； right…hand
corner； on the outsidenever inside； as the postmaster is not a
clairvoyant。 Drop it in a letter box and trust to luck。 If it's a
love letter； it will probably reach her all right； for Cupid is a
faithful postman and carries a stout pair of wings。 If it's a
bill； by all means have it registered； otherwise； your debtor will
swear he never got it。 If it's cash for your tailor； heed the
post…office warning； 〃Don't send money through the mails。〃 Wait
until you happen to meet him on the street。 If he sees you first；
you lose。
First…class Matter。
Anything you are ashamed to have the postmaster or postmistress
read； and therefore seal up； is known as first…class matter。 Also；
postal cards； where you're only allowed to argue on one side。 If
you think your letter should travel slowly； invest ten cents in a
Special Delivery Stamp。 This will insure a nice； leisurely
journey； lasting from one to two days longer than by the cheap two…
cent route。
Second…class Matter。
This class was originated for the benefit of Patent Medicine
Mixers； who print circulars on 〃What Ails You〃 four times a year；
and pepper the land with 〃Before…and…after…taking〃 caricatures； at
the rate of one cent a pound。
Third…class Matter。
While the quack nostrums travel second…class for one cent a pound；
books； engravings； manuscript copy； and works of art have to go
third…class and are taxed one cent for every two ounces。 They must
also be left open for inspection； thus affording the post…office
employee a fleeting acquaintance with something really useful。
Fourth…class Matter。
Everything not included in the above； except poisons； explosives；
live animals； insects； inflammable articles； and things giving off
a bad odor。 The last two do not include The Police Gazette or The
Philistine。
A Few Mythological and Classical Names。
Brought down to date in brief Notes by the Editor。
ACHILLES。 A courageous Greek； who did a general slaughtering
business in Troy in 1180 B。 C。； but was finally pinked in the heel
his only vulnerable spotand died。
Long life often depends on being well heeled。
ADONIS。 A beautiful youth； beloved by Venus and killed by a boar。
Bores have been the death of us ever since。
BACCHUS。 A brewer； who supplied the Gods with nectar； the beer
that made Olympus famous。
Those desiring a drink； please ask Dickens if 〃Bacchus is willin'。〃
CASTOR AND POLLOX。 Two clever sports and twin brothers from
Greece； Castor being a horse…trainer and Pollux a pugilist； whose
sister； Helen； a respectable； married woman； disgraced the family
by eloping with Paris。
Just because a man can break a broncho or win a prize fight； it's
no sign he can manage a woman。
CERBERUS。 A dog with three heads； a serpent's tail and several
snakes around his neck； who guarded the main entrance to Hades。
When a man begins to see snakes and one head looks like three； it's
a cinch he's not far from Hell。
CHARON。 The gloomy gondolier of the Styx； who carried the dead to
the Other Worldif they