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at government。
REFORMER One who； when he smells a rat； is eager to let the cat
out of the bag。
REGISTER The only autograph album which it costs you money to
write in。
REGRETS An excuse for non…attendance at a social function。
Occasionally； an expression of sorrow； usually； a paean of praise
at deliverance from evil。
RELATIONS A tedious pack of people who haven't the remotest
knowledge of how to live nor the smallest instinct about when to
die。
RELIGION A cloak used by some persons in this world who will be
warm enough without one in the next。
R。 E。 MORSE A veteran General who commands the largest army in the
world。
REPARTEE The sassy habit of talking back。
REPUTATION A personal possession； frequently not discovered until
lost。
RESIDENCE A rural locality inhabited annuallyfor a few hoursby
a rich New Yorker or Bostonian。
RESOLUTION A fragile bit of crockery fashioned on the first day of
January and usually broken on the second。
RESORT （SUMMER） A place where the tired grow more tired。 From
Eng。 rest； and Grk。 orizo； to limit。 A place where rest is
limited。
REST A trade in which every hobo holds a Union Card for life。
RESTAURANT An institution for the spread of dyspepsia。 From Lat。
restauro； to repair； and Grk。 anti； against。 After patronizing；
you're 〃up against repairs。〃
RHETORIC Language in a dress suit。
RICE An effective field…piece； used for assaulting Chinamen or the
newly…married。
ROQUEFORT A kind of cheese whose odor puts it easily in the first
rank。
ROYCROFTER A successful book…maker on the East Aurora turf。 From
Fr。 roi； king； and old Saxon crofter； or grafter。 King of
Grafters。
RUMOR The long…distance champion of the Human Racea monster with
more tales
than an octopus。
RUST Physical dullness。
RUSTIC Mental dullness。
Beggars should never be choosersthough the beggar often chews
what he begs。
S
A miss is as good as her smile。
SADDUCEE A person holding skeptical religious views。 Hopeless；
hence sad you see。
SAILOR A man who makes his living on water but never touches it on
shore。
SANDWICH An unsuccessful attempt to make both ends meat。
SAUSAGE An aftermath of the dog…days。
SCAFFOLD A work of art that rarely fails to get a hanging。
SCARECROW An operator who repeatedly corners corn； without caws。
SCORCHER A chauffeur in an all…fired hurry。
SCULPTOR A poor unfortunate who makes faces and busts。
SELF…MADE Complimentary term for a respectable crook。
SHAMROCK A three…time loser as a racer at sea； but a four…time
winner as an 〃ad。〃 for teaand Sir T。
SHEPHERD One who depends on a crook for a living。
SHIRT Every man's bosom friend。
SILVER A metallic form of opium； smoked by Presidential
impossibilities。
SINNER A stupid person who gets found out。
SNAP A brisk； energetic quality that enables a man with ginger to
take the cake。
SNORE An unfavorable report from headquarters。
SOROSIS A female gas company that lays its pipes on cultivated
grounds。
SPAGHETTI A table…dish eaten only by Italians and jugglers。 From
Lat。 spadix； branch； or fork； and gestamen； burden。 A burden for
the fork。
SPIDER A busy weaver and a good correspondent； who drops a line by
every post。
STARS The greatest astronomers known； having studded the heavens
for ages。
STAYS A sort of straight…jacket employed in reforming women。
STOCKINGS Woman's only savings for A Rainy Day。
STOCKS An unreliable commodity bought and sold by gamblers。 If
you win； it's an investment； if you lose； a speculation。
STOVE…PIPE A movable cylinder used as a receptacle for smoke and
profanity。
SPRING Formerly a very delightful season but now obsolete except
in poetry and the Old Farmer's Almanac。
SPINSTER An ember from which the sparks have flown。
SUBWAY In Boston； a place where one may enjoy continuous
disturbance of the peace； disorderly conduct； assault and battery；
riot and rebellion。 These events are allowed by law； and the
entry…fee is five cents。
SUCCESS A goal usually reached by those who employ their time in
cultivating a more definite aim in life rather than in searching
for a larger target。
SUMMER An oppressive and expensive season invented by rural
cottage and hotel owners； railroad and steamboat companies and the
Iceman。
SUN A yellow arrival from Way Down East； who goes west daily；
operates a heating and lighting trust； draws water； prints
pictures； develops crops； liquidates the ice business and tans
skins on the side。 Profits by his daily rays and always has a
shine。
SYMPATHY Feeling for others very noticeable in Blind Man's Buff。
SYNDICATE A conspiracy to extend the modest business established
by Captain Kidd。
Fortune knocks only once at a man's doorAnd she's the worst
Knocker in the world。
T
Brevity is the soul of witand the sole charm of a bicycle skirt。
TAILOR One who takes your measure on first sight； gives you a fit；
sews you up and follows suit until paid。
TALK A continuous performance playing daily and nightly
engagements； with Woman as the star and Man confined in the Family
Circle。
TELEGRAM A form of correspondence sent by a man in a hurry and
carried by a boy in sleep。
TELEPHONE From Eng。 tell； to talk； and Grk。 phonos； murder。 A
machine in which talk is murdered。
TENNIS A game in which the participants enjoy a racket on the side
and raise the deuce over a net； while the volleys drive them from
set to set and love scores as often as it's mentioned。
TEMPER A quality； the loss of which is likely to make a knife
blade dull and a woman's tongue sharp。
THERMOMETER A short； glass tube that regulates the weatherand
usually does a poor job。
THIRST A sensation immediately following a short session at the
free lunch stand。
TIDE An old friend who comes and goes daily but is all in whenever
he gets over the bay。
TITIAN The color a poor red…headed girl's hair becomes as soon as
her father strikes oil。
TIPS Wages we pay other people's hired help。
TOBACCO A nauseating plant that is consumed by but two creatures；
a large； green worm andman。 The worm doesn't know any better。
TONGUE An unruly member that is frequently put out； yet an artist
who's a hard worker at the palate and a great wag among women。
TOUCH A habit common to the impecunious； causing in its victim a
feeling of faintness； followed by a chill or a sense of loss。
TRANSFER A small bit of paper of remarkable strength； being able
to carry a heavy man several miles。
TROLLEY…CAR A conveyance filled with advertisements； and
occasionally passengers； and operated by Poles。
TROUBLE Something that many are looking for but no one wants。
TRUST A small body of capital entirely surrounded by water。
TWINS Insult added to Injury。
TWISTERS An undesirable thing to have on hand。
Its a wise son who can get two birds with One Bone。
U V
There is a tide in the affairs of men； which； taken at the flood；
leads on to FortuneBut most of us catch our watered stock on the
ebb。
UMBRELLA A good thing to put up in a showeror pawn…shop； but；
like skating；