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CROOK One who exceeds the speed limit in Law & Order Ave。 A
Misfit in the Straight and Narrow Way。
CROW A bird that never complains without caws。
CULTURE A degree of mental development that produces tailor…made
women； fantastically…sheared poodles and dock tailed horses。
CUPID A driver of sharp darts。
CUPIDITY A driver of sharp deals。
CYNIC A man who knows the price of everything and the value of
nothing。
All work and no play makes Jack A Dead One。
D
Out of fight； out of coin。The Pugilist's Plaint。
DABBLE v。 t。； To play in water。 DABBLE IN STOCKSSame thing。
DACHSHUND A low…down dog。
DANCE A brisk； physical exercise； invented by St。 Vitus。
DATES A fruit commonly plucked from the Family Tree and spread on
the leaves of history。 （Dist。 bet。 Dates and Peaches； which are
often associated）。
DEAD Without life。 See Boston。
DEADER Pompeii。
DEADEST Philadelphia。
DEADBEAT One who makes a soft living by sponging it。
DEBT A big word beginning with Owe； which grows bigger the more it
is contracted。
DEE…LIGHTED An Oyster Bay localism； derived from delighted。
（Patent and Dramatic rights to this word are； until March 4； 1905；
the exclusive property of T。 Roosevelt； Esq。 Subsequent editions
of The Foolish Dictionary will define the word at length）。
DELEGATE From Eng。 dally； to loaf； and Fr。 gate； spoiled。 A
spoiled loafer。
DEMAGOGUE From Grk。 demos； people； and Eng。 gag。 One who gags the
people。
DEMOCRACY A mysterious country； bounded on the east by Richard
Olney； on the west by Willie Bryan； on the north by Dave Hill and
on the south by Bennie Pitchfork Tillman。
DEN A cavity。
DENT To punch。
DENTIST One who punches the face and fills cavities。
DEUCE An honest card； in fact the only one that is never known to
beat tray。
DEVIL An old rascal mentioned in the Bible； now reported engaged
to Mary McLane。
DIAMOND A bright gem the sparkle of which sometimes renders a
woman stone…blind to the defects of the man proffering it。
DIARY An honest autobiography。 A good keepsake； but a bad give…
away。
DIGNITY A narrow； unstable bearing which mental spindle…shanks try
to stand upon when they have no other support。
DICKENS An author； polite term for the devil。
DIE An effect。
DIET Frequently a cause。
DIMPLE A ripple in the gentle whirlpool of a pretty woman's smile。
DIPLOMAT An international liar； with an elastic conscience and a
rubber neck。
DISCOUNT Something often sold in place of goods。
DISCRETION An instinctive perception that enables us to say； 〃Oh；
shut up！〃 to the small； weak man； and 〃I beg your pardon； but I do
not entirely agree with your views；〃 to the large； strong one。
DIVE A gambler's retreat。
DIVIDENDS A gambler's reward。
DIVORCE Nominally； separation of husband and wife from the bonds
of matrimony。 In the vicinity of Newport it is frequently a legal
formula that immediately precedes a fashionable wedding。
DOCK A place for laying up。
DOCTOR One who lays you up。
DREAM What a man may call a woman； though a Pill may have
suggested it。 Sweethearts are dreams because they seldom come
true； wives； because they're often a night…mare； and both because
they go by contraries。
DRAFT （DRAUGHT） What gives a cold； cures a cold； and pays the
doctor's bill。
DROP…STITCH A kind of feminine hosiery designed to prevent the men
from paying too much attention to the open…work； 〃peek…a…boo〃
shirt…waist。
DRUM Something noisy； and made to beat。
DRUMMER Something noisy； but impossible to beat。 From the Grk。
drimus； meaning sharp。 Hence； something sharp； that always carries
its point and sticks whoever it can。
DUST Mud with the juice squeezed out。
DYNAMITE The peroration of an anarchist's argument。
DYSPEPSIA A good foundation for a bad temper
Out of sight； only in mind。'Ballad of the Blind Beggar。'
E
A word to the wise is useless。
EAGLE The national bird of a Christian country； （the United
States。） Presumably chosen on account of its being a bird of pray。
EARL A title of nobility。
EARLY A title of stupidity。 See old saw； 〃Early to bed and early
to rise； Makes a man a farmer！〃
EARTH A solid substance； much desired by the seasick。
ECHO The only thing that can cheat a woman out of the last word。
ECONOMY Denying ourselves a necessary today in order to buy a
luxury to…morrow。
EGG A wholesome； yet fowl； product； of no use until broken。
Sometimes a cure for indigestion or bad acting。
ELECTION A periodical picnic for the American People。 Held in
booths； where the Voter puts in his ballot； and The Machine elects
whatever it chooses。 A day when the lowliest may make their mark
and even beggars may ride； when the Glad Mit gets promiscuous and
everything is fullparticularly the lodging…houses。
ENCORE A greedy theatre…goer's desire to get more than his money's
worth。 From the Fr。 en； among； and cochon； pig；common among
pigs。
ENGAGEMENT In war； a battle。 In love； the salubrious calm that
precedes the real hostilities。
ENTHUSIAST One who preaches four times as much as he believes and
believes four times as much as a sane man ought to。
EPITAPH A statement that usually lies above about the one who lies
beneath。
EQUATOR An imaginary line around the earth。 Recently held by J。
P。 Morgan。
ERR To make a mistake。
ERRATIC Full of mistakes。
ETHER One of the world's three great composersthe others being
Gas and Chloroformwhose airs are popular among the suffering。
ETIQUETTE A convenient code of conduct which makes Lying a virtue
and Snobbishness a righteous deed。
EVOLUTION A clever trick performed by one Darwin； who made a
monkey of Adam。
EXCURSION From ex； former； and Grk。 kairo； to enjoy。 Hence； a
tiresome journeyformerly an enjoymentsold at half price。
EXERCISE Bodily exertion requiring a 10；000 gymnasium； a ten…acre
lot and impossible raiment。 Originally confined to the wash…tub
and the wood…pile。
EXPANSION A combination of Grand Larceny and Piracy； involving the
destruction of the Constitution and Declaration of Independence。
Boston。 The benevolent assimilation of previously oppressed
peoples。Washington； D。C。 A doubtful commercial experiment。Wall
Street。 The white man's burden。Kipling。
EXPLOSION A good chance to begin at the bottom and work up。
EXPOSITION An overgrown Department Store； usually opened a year or
two behind time。
It's never too late to spend。
F
A bird on the plate is worth two on the bonnet。
FACE A fertile； open expanse； lying midway between collar button
and scalp； and full of cheek； chin and chatter。 The crop of the
male face is hair； harvested daily by a lather； or allowed to run
to mutton…chops； spinach or full lace curtains。 The female face
product is powder； whence the expression； 〃Shoot off your face。〃
Each is supplied with lamps； snufflers and bread boxes。
FAILURE The quickest method known for making money。
FEINT A pugilist's bluff。
FAINT A woman's bluff。
FAITH A mental accomplishment whereby an ear…ache becomes a
Symphony Concert； a broken finger a diamon