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a cinch he's not far from Hell。
CHARON。 The gloomy gondolier of the Styx； who carried the dead to
the Other Worldif they paid him first。
And even to…day； he who patronizes Rapid Transit must pay his fare
in advance。
CUPID。 The son of Venus and the God of Love； who with bow and
arrows punctured men's bosoms with the darts of admiration。
But now…a…days the arrow's not in it with a snug bathing suit or a
decollette gown。
DAEDALUS。 The original Santos Dumont； who invented and
successfully operated a flying…machine that would fly。 His son；
Icarus； tried the trick； went too high and fell into the sea。
A flier frequently precedes a fallespecially in Wall Street。
DIANA。 The goddess of the chase； unmarried。
And this is very fitting。 May the chase always be for the
unmarried only！
HERCULES。 The Gritty Greek （no relation to the Terrible Turk）； an
independent laborer； who always had a good job awaiting him。
It is interesting to recall the days when non…union labor had all
the work it wanted。
IXION。 A king of Thessaly； who for his sins was broken on a wheel。
And men have been going broke on 〃the wheel〃 ever since。
LOTUS EATERS。 A gang of ancient vegetarians； who chewed leaves and
went to sleep。
Now succeeded by a club of New Yorkers； who chew the rag and keep
awake。
MERCURY。 A celestial messenger…boy； who wore wings on his shoes
and knew how 〃to get there〃 in a hurry。
Now they all wear hobbles； and never exceed the speed limit in a
public thoroughfare。
MIDAS。 A Greek king； who had the power of turning into gold all
that he touched。
That's nothing！ There are plenty of men to…day who always get gold
whoever they touch。
SAPPHO。 A love…lorn poetess； who； failing to win the man she first
loved； cured herself by jumping into the Mediterranean。
She probably acted on the old advice； 〃There's plenty more fish in
the sea！〃
TANTALUS。 A proud king； who suffered in Hades the agonies of
hunger and thirst； with food and drink always in sight； but always
beyond reach。
Here on earth； the 50…cent table d'hote accomplishes the same
resultbesides costing you the fifty。
TROY。 An ancient； oriental city； which took in a wooden horse and
saw the domestic finish of Helen and Paris。
Do not confuse with Troy； N。 Y。； where they only take in washing
and provide a domestic finish for collars and shirts。
VULCAN。 The Olympian blacksmith； who always had his hammer with
him。
But not all who carry hammers are blacksmiths。
Legal and Local Holidays in the United States。
JANUARY 1； New Year's Day。 On this day the Flowing Bowl is filled
and emptiedand the Genial Palm circulated in forty…three States
and Territories out of forty…nine。 In Massachusetts； New
Hampshire； Rhode Island； Arkansas； Oklahoma and the Indian
Territory there is no celebration。 The natives are too busy
collecting good resolutions and bad bills。
FEBRUARY 22； Washington's Birthday。 （George； not Booker）； is
remembered by thirty…eight of the States。 On this day； in the
public schools； are shown pictures of George Chopping the Cherry
Tree and Breaking Up the Delaware Ice Trust； Valley Forge in
Winter； and Mt。 Vernon on a Busy Day。 The Pride of the Class
recites Washington's 〃Farewell to the Army；〃 Minnie the Spieler
belabors the piano with the 〃Washington Post March；〃 and the
scholars all eat Washington Pie； made of 〃Columbia； the Jam of the
Ocean。〃
MARCH 17； St。 Patrick's Day and Evacuation Day； when the British
redcoats got out of Boston and Patrick evicted the snakes from
Ireland。 For observing the day； wear a turkey…red coat； or vest；
and put a bit of green ribbon； or a shamrock； in the buttonhole
the green above the red。 On Easter day； wear a scrambled egg in
the same place。
APRIL 19； Patriot's Day。 A New England successor to FAST DAYthe
slowest day of the year。 Originally invented for Fasting and
Prayer。 Now used exclusively for opening the Baseball Season；
Locating a Seashore Home for the Summer； and watching Red…Shirted
Diogenes at his Tub。
Little drops of water；
Little lines of hose；
Make the mighty Muster
As ev'ry Laddie knows。
MAY 1； Moving Day。 Observed everywhere by The Restless Tenant。
APRIL 26； MAY 30 Memorial Days In 〃Dixie〃； In the North。 A
Symphony in Blue and Gray。
JUNE 17； Bunker Hill Day。 Celebrated in Boston； Mass。； by a
procession of the Ancient and horrible Distillery Company； a few of
the City Fathers in hacks； a picked bunch of Navy Yard sailors and
occasionally a few samples from a Wild West Show。 For 24 hours；
pistols and firecrackers are allowed to mutilate Young America ad
lib。
JULY 4； Independence Day。 A national holiday； invented for the
benefit of popcorn and peanut promoters； tin horn and toy…balloon
vendors； lemonade chemists； dealers in explosives； physicians and
surgeons。 A grand chance for the citizen…soldier to hear the roar
of battle； smell powder； shoot the neighbor's cat； and lose a
night's restor a finger。
LABOR DAY； First Monday in September。 The only day when labor
works overtime。 An occasion when the workingman takes a cane in
place of a dinner…pail and proudly tramps the streets behind a real
silk banner and a Hod Carrier on a Cart Horse。
THANKSGIVING DAY （Last Thursday in November）。 A day devoted to the
annual division of Turkeywith Greece on the sideby the Hung'ry
folks。
DECEMBER 25； Christmas Day。 Another national holiday； marked by
the following observances： Filling the young and helpless with a
lot of fiction about Santa Claus； the old chimney fakir； who went
up the flue long ago； making a clothesline of the mantelpiece and
robbing the forest of its young； swapping several things we'd like
to keep for a lot of stuff we don't want； and； finally； putting on
in church a Sunday night performance of light opera； known as 〃The
Sabbath School Concert。〃
End