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The Foolish Dictionary
by Gideon Wurdz
An exhausting work of reference to un…certain English words； their
origin； meaning； legitimate and illegitimate use； confused by a few
pictures ＇not included＇ by WALLACE GOLDSMITH。
Executed by GIDEON WURDZ
Master of Pholly； Doctor of Loquacious Lunacy； Fellow of the Royal
Gibe Society； etc。； etc。
To MY DOG；
Who first heard these lines
And didn't run away MAD；
I Reverently Dedicate
This Tome。
〃A Fool may give a Wise Man counsel。〃
Preface。
In this age of the arduous pursuit of peace； prosperity and
pleasure； the smallest contribution to the gaiety； if not to the
wisdom； of nations can scarcely be unwelcome。 With this in mind；
the author has prepared 〃The Foolish Dictionary；〃 not in serious
emulation of the worthierand wordierworks of Webster and
Worcester； but rather in the playful spirit of the parodist； who
would gladly direct the faint rays from his flickering candle of
fun to the shrine of their great memories。
With half a million English words to choose from； modesty has been
the watchword； and the author has confined himself to the treatment
of only about half a thousand。 How wise； flippant； sober or
stupid； this treatment has been； it is for the reader alone to
judge。 However； if from epigram； derivative or pure absurdity；
there be born a single laugh between the lids； the laborer will
accredit himself worthy of his hire。
In further explanation it should be said that some slight deference
has been made to other wits； and the definitions include a few
quotations from the great minds of the past and present。 As for
the rest； the jury will please acknowledge a plea of guilty from
GIDEON WURDZ。
ABBREVIATIONS。
Bet。 Between。
Dist。 Distinguish。
Eng。 English。
Fr。 French。
Ger。 German。
Grk。 Greek。
Lat。 Latin。
Syn。 Synonym。
v。 i。 Verb intransitive。
v。 t。 Verb transitive。
It's a long lane that has no ashbarrel。
A
Distilled waters run deep。
ABSINTHE From two Latin words； ad； and sinistrum； meaning 〃to the
bad。〃 If in doubt； try one。 （Old adage； 〃Absinthe makes the jag
last longer）。〃
ABSTINENCE From the Persian ab； water； and stein； or tankard。
Hence； water tankard； or 〃water wagon。〃
ACCESSION A beheading process by which you may either win or lose
a political job。 Old spelling； Axe…session。
ACCIDENT A condition of affairs in which presence of mind is good；
but absence of body better。
ADAMANT From 〃Adam's Aunt；〃 reputed to be a hard character。
Hence； anything tough； or hard。
ADORE From add； annex； and ore； meaning wealth。 Example； foreign
nobles who marry American heiresses adore them。
ADVICE A commodity peddled by your lawyer and given away by your
mother…in…law； but impossible to dispose of yourself。 Famous as
the one thing which it is 〃More blessed to give than receive。〃
GOOD ADVICE Something old men give young men when they can no
longer give them a bad example。
ADVERSITY A bottomless lake； surrounded by near…sighted friends。
AFFINITY Complimentary term for your husband or your wife。
Sometimes a synonym for 〃Your finish。〃
AFTERTHOUGHT A tardy sense of prudence that prompts one to try to
shut his mouth about the time he has put his foot in it。
AGE Something to brag about in your wine…cellar and forget in a
birth…day book。 The boast of an old vintage； the bug a boo of an
old maid。
ALCOHOL A liquid good for preserving almost everything except
secrets。
ALDERMAN A political office known as the Crook's Road to Wealth。
From Eng。 all； and Greek derma； meaning skin〃all skin。〃
ALIMONY An expensive soothing syrup； prescribed by the judge for a
divorcee's bleeding heart。 （Old spelling； allay money）。
ALLOPATHY From Eng。 all； everybody； and Grk。 pathos； pain。 Pain
for everybody。 HOMOEOPATHY From Grk。 homoios； same； and pathos。
Pain； just the same。
ALPHABET A toy for the children found in books； blocks； pictures
and vermicelli soup。 Contains 26 letters and only three syllables。
ANCESTORS The originators of the Family Tree； a remarkable sex
paradox in which the Ann sisters are always the four fathers。
ANGEL A heavenly ineligible； with wings and a harp； or； an earthly
eligible； with money and a heart。
ANTI…ROOMS Euphemistic term for Canfield's； New York City。
ANTI…IMPERIALIST A patriot whose conscience works overtime。
ANTIMONY A metallic substance discovered by Valentine in 1450； and
now extensively used in the artsparticularly poker。
APPENDICITIS A modern pain； costing about 200 more than the old…
fashioned stomach…ache。
ARGUMENT Breaking and entering the ear； assault and battery on the
brain and disturbing the peace。
ARSON Derived from the Hebrew。 （See INSURANCE）。
ARTIST Commonly； the individual long haired and short…suited；
having a positive pose and an uncertain income。 Often shy on meal…
tickets but strong on technique and the price of tripe sandwiches。
An artist may be a barber； a boot…black； a Sargent or a Paderewski。
ATHLETE A dignified bunch of muscles； unable to split wood or sift
the ashes。
AUGUR One who bored the ancients with prophecies。
AUTOMOBILE From Eng。 ought to； and Lat。 moveo； to move。 A vehicle
which ought to move； but frequently can't。
AUTOMBILIST A land lubber on wheels made up to resemble a deep sea
diver。
Fine feathers make fine feather…beds。
B
A stitch in time saves embarrassing exposure。
BABY From Grk。 babai； wonderful。 Parents are yet to be heard from
who don't think theirs is a 〃wonder。〃 A nocturnal animal to which
everyone in a sleeping…car is eager to give a wide berth。
BACHELOR From Latin baculus； a stick； unattached。 Hence； an
unattached man； which any lady may stick； stick to； or get stuck
on。
BACKBITER A mosquito。
BALANCE Something wanted by book…keepers and often lost by topers。
May be found in a cash…book or the kangaroo gait。
BANDIT An outlaw。 See ALDERMAN。
BARBER A brilliant conversationalist； who occasionally shaves and
cuts hair。 Syn。 for Phonograph。
BARS Things found in harbors； hotels； fences； prisons； courts and
music。 （Those found in courts and in music are full of beats）。
BARGAIN A disease common to women； caught in the Sunday papers and
developed in department Stores on Mondays。 Symptoms； loud talk；
pushing and shoving； a combination prize…fight and football
scrimmage。 （Old spelling 'Bark…gain）。
BASEBALL A game in which the young man who bravely strikes out for
himself receives no praise for it。
BAT Senior partner of Bat； Ball & Co。； and never found without the
rest of the firm； as it takes several high…balls to make one short
bat。
BEACH A strip of sand； skirted by water； covered with lady…killers
in summer； life…savers in winter； and used as a havenor heaven
for Smacks the year around。
BENEDICT A married male。
BENEDICTINE A married female。
BENEDICTION Their children。
BERTH An aid to sleep； invented by Pullman。 Lower preferred。
BIRTH An aid to life； discovered by Woman。 Higher preferred。
BICYCLE…SKIRT A abbreviated garment tha