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that the search for the lost man was being carried on at my instigation；
and that from day to day there was a bare possibility of my hearing of
him； if there was no more。
The office of the lawyer whom I had consulted during my previous visit to
London； lay in my way to the terminus。 I drove there next； and was
fortunate enough to find him still at business。
No tidings had yet been heard of Oscar。 The lawyer； however； proved to be
useful by giving me a letter of introduction to a person at Marseilles；
accustomed to conduct difficult confidential inquiries； and having agents
whom he could employ in all the great cities of Europe。 A man of Oscar's
startling personal appearance would be surely more or less easy to trace；
if the right machinery to do it could only be set at work。 My savings
would suffice for this purpose to a certain extentand to that extent I
resolved that they should be used when I reached my journey's end。
It was a troubled sea on the channel passage that night。 I remained on
deck； accepting any inconvenience rather than descend into the atmosphere
of the cabin。 As I looked out to sea on one side and on the other； the
dark waste of tossing waters seemed to be the fit and dreary type of the
dark prospect that was before me。 On the trackless path that we were
ploughing； a faint misty moonlight shed its doubtful ray。 Like the
doubtful light of hope； faintly flickering on my mind when I thought of
the coming time！
CHAPTER THE FORTY…SECOND
The Story of Lucilla： told by Herself
IN my description of what Lucilla said and did； on the occasion when the
surgeon was teaching her to use her sight； it will be remembered that she
is represented as having been particularly anxious to be allowed to try
how she could write。
The motive at the bottom of this was the motive which is always at the
bottom of a woman's conduct when she loves。 Her one ambition is to
present herself to advantage； even in the most trifling matters； before
the man on whom her heart is fixed。 Lucilla's one ambition with Oscar；
was this and no more。
Conscious that her handwritingthus far； painfully and incompletely
guided by her sense of touchmust present itself in sadly unfavorable
contrast to the handwriting of other women who could see； she persisted
in petitioning Grosse to permit her to learn to 〃write with her eyes
instead of her finger；〃 until she fairly wearied out the worthy German's
power of resistance。 The rapid improvement in her sight； after her
removal to the sea…side； justified him （as I was afterwards informed） in
letting her have her way。 Little by little； using her eyes for a longer
and longer time on each succeeding day； she mastered the serious
difficulty of teaching herself to write by sight instead of by touch。
Beginning with lines in copybooks； she got on to writing easy words to
dictation。 From that again； she advanced to writing notes； and from
writing notes to keeping a journalthis last； at the suggestion of her
aunt； who had lived in the days before penny postage； when people kept
journals； and wrote long lettersin short； when people had time to think
of themselves； and； more wonderful still； to write about it too。
Lucilla's Journal at Ramsgate lies before me as I trace these lines。
I had planned at first to make use of it； so as to continue the course of
my narrative without a check； still writing in my own personas I have
written thus far； and as I propose to write again； at the time when I
reappear on the scene。
But on thinking over it once more； and after reading the Journal again；
it strikes me as the wiser proceeding to let Lucilla tell the story of
her life at Ramsgate； herself： adding notes of my own occasionally； where
they appear to be required。 Variety； freshness； and realityI believe I
shall secure them all three by following this plan。 Why is History in
general （I know there are brilliant exceptions to the rule） such dull
reading？ Because it is the narrative of events； written at second hand。
Now I will be anything else you please； except dull。 You may say I have
been dull already？ As I am an honest woman； I don't agree with you。 There
are some people who bring dull minds to their readingand then blame the
writer for it。 I say no more。
Consider it as arranged； then。 During my absence on the Continent；
Lucilla shall tell the story of events at Ramsgate。 （And I will sprinkle
a few notes over it； here and there； signed P。）
Lucilla's Journal
_East Cliff Ramsgate； August_ 28th。A fortnight to…day since my aunt and
I arrived at this place。 I sent Zillah back to the rectory from London。
Her rheumatic infirmities trouble her tenfold； poor old soul； in the
moist air of the seaside。
How has my writing got on for the last week？ I am becoming a little
better satisfied with it。 I use my pen more easily； my hand is less like
the hand of a backward child than it was。 I shall be able to write as
well as other ladies do when I am Oscar's wife。
＇Note。She is easily satisfied； poor dear。 Her improved handwriting is
sadly crooked。 Some of the letters embrace each other at close quarters
like dear friends； and some start asunder like bitter enemies。 This is
not to reflect on Lucillabut to excuse myself； if I make any mistakes
in transcribing the Journal。 Now let her go on。P。＇
Oscar's wife！ when shall I be Oscar's wife？ I have not so much as seen
him yet。 SomethingI am afraid a difficulty with his brotherstill
keeps him on the Continent。 The tone in which he writes continues to have
a certain reserve in it which disquiets and puzzles me。 Am I quite as
happy as I expected to be when I recovered my sight？ Not yet！
It is not Oscar's fault； if I am out of spirits every now and then。 It is
my own fault。 I have offended my father； and I sometimes fear I have not
acted justly towards Madame Pratolungo。 These things vex me。
It seems to be my fate to be always misunderstood。 My sudden flight from
the rectory meant no disrespect to my father。 I left as I did； because I
was quite incapable of facing the woman whom I had once dearly
lovedthinking of her as I think now。 It is so unendurable to feel that
your confidence is lost in a person whom you once trusted without limit；
and to go on meeting that person every hour in the day with a smooth
face； as if nothing had happened！ The impulse to escape more meetings
（when I discovered that she had left the house for a walk） was
irresistible。 I should do it again； if I was in the same position again。
I have hinted at this in writing to my father； telling him that something
unpleasant had happened between Madame Pratolungo and me； and that I went
away so suddenly； on that account alone。 No use！ He has not answered my
letter。 I have written since to my step…mother。 Mrs。 Finch's reply has
informed me of the unjust manner in which he speaks of my aunt。 Without
the slightest reason for it； he is even more deeply offended with Miss
Batchford than he is with me！
Sad as this estrangement is； there is one consolationso far as I am
concerned； it will not last。 My father and I are sure； sooner or later；
to come to an understanding together。 When I return to